BPDFamily.com

I could write a book about my relationship. I'm sure you all could.

The thing is I have never really told anyone the real extent of my problems. It's not that I'm a particularly private person I guess it's just embarrassing that I have got myself into this situation.


Anyway, here it goes. I'll try to keep it as short as I can but I don't think it'll stay that way.

I met my partner J when I was 17 and he was 27. We've been together ever since. (I'm now 34).
J was a junky at the time - although I didn't realise this till a few months later and I didn't realise how bad it was for at least a year. Not sure why I stayed when I found out - I guess I was young, naive and in love. It was my first proper relationship.
I probably had a pretty low self-esteem too - infact I probably still do.

Back then the BPD wasn't bad at all - an overreaction or tantrum every couple of months maybe - we used to laugh about it afterwards and say it was 'his time of the month'.
The drugs hid the true extent of what he was really feeling though which I guess is why he did them. He had a very big family and he seemed to get along with them ok.  Although his mum was a bit strange and very controlling. Infact one day I realised she was giving him her morphine (she had been prescribed for cancer) in return for running errands for her.

He still had some friends back then too, he enjoyed going out and doing stuff, we had a lot of fun times and he was really handsome and easygoing. But most of all he treated me like a queen - like I was the love of his life and he couldn't live without me. I guess he made me feel special and I had never really felt special before.

For some reason my parents let him move in with me, even though he was 10 years older, I was still at school and they knew he had a drug problem. My dad is an ex-addict too and I think he thought he could help him.
He was also really charming and caring. Just a great guy to be around so I guess they didn't think it was so bad.

A year later I moved away to study and he followed. While I studied, he worked, switched downers for uppers and got a pretty bad meth habit.

This is when the BPD started to come out more and more. At the time I thought it was just meth rage and probably some of it was, but a lot of it was probably BPD too.

I tried to help him  come off the drugs but as I'm sure many of you know; If a drug addict wants to keep using, there's not really much you can do, so I just threw myself into my work.

I finished with great marks, got an internship at an amazing company and then a job, but a year later when I was 22, I was horrified to find I had accidentally fallen pregnant.

At the time I was very close to leaving him. My life was moving up and I was growing up, but he just kept spirally downwards. The rages got worse. I'm pretty sure he had cheated on me (although he swore he didn't and I've never bought it up since) and he kept moving from job to job as he just couldn't seem to get along with anyone he worked with.

After a very frank discussion, I decided to keep the baby and he decided to get clean.

Since then he's been off all hard drugs and no longer drinks. But he does smoke about an ounce of weed a week.

I went back to work after 3 months off and my son went into childcare.
Then a year later I was pregnant again and, coincidentally at the same time his 11 year old son decided to move across the country to live with us.

I was still very junior at work, so not earning a lot. But I had an amazing job with the chance of a great career with really good money. He wasn't earning much more than me with little prospect of moving up, so together we decided that he would become the stay at home dad and I would continue to work. It wasn't something I pushed him into. He was very excited about the idea.

But it just got worse from there.

He was absolutly horrible to my poor sweet stepson K.
A monster.
It was shocking. Although I had seen him get angry a lot he had never really been nasty. But he was awful to the poor kid. Not really any physical abuse but definitely emotional and verbal. I didn't know what to do. I should have sent K back to his mum straight away but she wasn't much better so I thought at least if he was with us I could be there for him.

Up until then we had always been a team. I was always on his side, helping him, being there for him. But, there was no way I could just stand by and let it happen. So every time he started on K, I was there pushing him away, protecting K and standing up for him.

At the time I thought he might have bipolar as he would get severely depressed but also very manic - not just ragey, shouty talk at me manic but also loud over the top happy manic  - running around and squealing, doing all sorts of weird stuff.

By this stage he had also cut off all ties with his family and friends. Every one of them eventually 'wronged' him in some way or another. He spent all day looking after our kids with very little adult contact. He was actually brilliant with the little ones - he doted on them and adored them and did everything a loving dad should do but I still worried that I was leaving them in the hands of someone who could snap at any minute.

At the time I had very few other options though. I was 24 years old, working a very high-stress job and still earning very little while supporting a family of 5. I couldn't afford to leave work or put the kids into care.

I had also become very good at ignoring problems, blocking out the bad stuff, forgetting all the horrible things that had happened.

So I just carried on and pretended to the rest of the world (and myself) that everything was fine.

Eventually I talked him into getting help and he did for a while, with a vengeance. He went to a psychologist who diagnosed him with BPD, he also went to every parenting course he could find. He tried and tried and tried but it was almost like the more he tried the worse he felt towards K. As if all this trying actually made him feel more entitled to be angry at him.

When he was 14, K moved back to his mum's, left school and spent his days smoking weed and lying in bed. He's 21 now and has finally got his first job. 7 years later! He is still the nicest, smartest, most polite and respectful kid you could ever meet. But he has 0 self-esteem. And it's no wonder when he has two parents like his.

By that time the damage between J and me was done.

I had lost respect for him and he knew it. And boy did it make him hate me.

All the anger he had repressed with drugs. All the anger that he had felt for his son, all the anger he felt for his family was directed at me.

The things he would say when he was angry were awful. The kind of things you wouldn't say to your worst enemy.
he would yell at me for hours about how horrible everyone and everything in his life was, how hard done by he was, how f'd up his childhood was. I didn't know how to react, Everything I did was wrong. Everything I said was wrong. If I walked away he would go wild, throw things, smash things and break things and he would just follow me around anyway, so I just had to stand there as he screamed in my face.

I thought about leaving constantly but then things would become good again or he would threaten suicide or I would freak out about what would happen to him if he did leave.

Over the years I've just got better at ignoring him. But I think this has made him worse.

He's still not working, even though the kids are 9 and 10 now and we really need the money. I get paid a very good wage but he spends every cent and more. he has ruined his credit rating and over the years I've racked up a HUGE amount of debt bailing him out and giving him everything he ever asks for. He spends his days smoking weed and spends hundreds of dollars a week on it. He has no friends and no family. He hates everyone and everything. He gets that black empty look in his eyes nearly every day now.

He texts and calls constantly when I'm at work and I have no choice but to listen as he goes on and on. One day when I stopped answering his calls  and he came to my work and followed me around screaming at me then screamed at my bosses and my workmates. It was probably one of the worst days of my life. I've always been very good at keeping my work life separate. It's my refuge, my escape so when he did that he took everything from me.

As good as I am at forgetting and pretending and ignoring there are things he has said that I just can't forget.
Things that have made me start to hate him. But for some reason I still can't leave. I'm trapped. I still love him. I still care about him. I still want this family to work but I just don't know how. I wish for his sake and mine there was some way he could get better. I know it must be awful to be him. I wish he could just see how wonderful his life could be if he stopped hating everyone around him. I have spent hours over the years reading all the advice on how to talk to someone with BPD, how to lay boundaries, how to validate how to make things work but when it comes to putting it into practise i have just never been able to do it. I forget what to do, I freak out, and my mind goes blank and every time I just do the wrong thing and make it worse.

But then maybe he doesn't want this anyway. Maybe he does mean it when he says he hates me or when he says he wants to leave. Maybe he would fall to bits if I left him or maybe I'm just really bad for him and without me he would be fine.
It's particularly bad at the moment. He's not slept in our room for a couple of weeks, texts me awful things contsantly and barely acknowledges me while I'm home, unless he has a reason to yell at me.
But then he might wake up tomorrow and be fine. And we'll pretend it never happened.

I just don't know what to do.

This isn't even half of it. This is just the start. But for now it will do.
If anyone has managed to get all the way down here then thank you. I just really needed to tell someone all of that as I know if I ever told any of my friends or my family members they would never look at me the same.

They do know bits, my family especially know a lot - they've seen it many times and been the victim of many rages. But I can't talk about it with them. I don't want them to worry but I also couldn't stand the pity, the judgment or the advice from people who don't really understand.

I just wish we could have a normal life. I wish we could be happy.

Sorry I'm new so let me know if this is in the wrong place. I think it might be... .

Hi coopyloopy (cute name) :)

I'd like to welcome you here. I read your post all through. Not so hard, you know; you have a long story to tell and you do it with equanimity and grace. How strong you are as a person comes through, as does your kindness and the care with which you approach the people in your life.

You've posted this in the right place. You have a long and difficult relationship that you want to improve - that is what this Board is for.

It sounds as if you've both made attempts over the years to get a handle on things and that sometimes this has worked, at least for a while. You say that a turning point was when you lost respect for him; that makes sense.  He had relied on you (in every way, it seems) for so many years to see him truly, to be his champion, to treat him as an equal even when he was not behaving like one. To feel that tremendous support of someone elses' faith be removed, would be very destabilizing, particularly for a pwBPD who needs that so much. Everyone has their limit, and at some point you reached yours.



You have that in common with many of us. It's hard to keep others in the loop when there are so many things happening all the time. There is barely time to react to the situations sometimes, nevermind to process them and talk it through with someone who is going to listen carefully and without jumping to judgement.



If you think that, then there is something concrete that you can work on. It's fruitful and good work.



Again, this will resonate for many. Think about what makes you feel 'special' nowadays; both in the relationship and outside of it.



This is how we soldier on. Sometimes this works, other times it doesn't. You can stop pretending here, with us. That was a big relief to me when I got to this site and it allowed me to begin to see things more clearly; to give myself permission to be angry, to feel sad, lonely, pathetic, ashamed, strong, tough, confused... .whatever.  



Becoming the target for anger that had been diffused or sprayed into different directions is hard. How long ago was this?


This kind of raging is terrible to bear. Please have a look at this thread (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=92543.0) in our Learning Centre. Before things in general can improve, some of the most destructive behaviours have to be got under control.



This is a familiar pattern for many of us. It creates some bad habits and expectations for both parties. Normalizing bad behaviour is easy to do and it happens gradually, that does not mean that it has to continue.


Did you discuss this event afterwards? There needs to be a boundary here - some things have to be off limits, like your workplace. You might like to have a look at this link: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/fuzzetti.pdf, it's from the Lessons in the banner on the right hand side of this page.


Still loving him and wanting the family to work are good things. Feeling like you are trapped is not a good thing. Would you say it is more a case of wanting it to work for good reasons or feeling trapped, ie. you can't bring  yourself to leave. What are the reasons you want to stay? What is stopping you from leaving (or what is making you feel 'trapped'?


Can you recall a time when it did work? When you tried to put into practise some of the tools you had read about and managed to defuse a situation or bring yourself to a calmer place so you could deal with it afterwards?

There's theory, and then there's practise. As you know very well yourself. When dealing with difficult people who can become very irrational and are generally unpredictable, we have to be pretty clear about what courses of action are open to us and move through them systematically. Easier said than done, of course. But many members report success with the Communication Tools; although not overnight and not without instances where they just couldn't get it together in the moment.


Ok, well, let's see how we can not continue that one pattern. How you might begin to make incremental changes here that will result in better communication and more peaceful existence for you.

Do you think it would be helpful to describe one specific situation / incident, tell us how it unfolded, and then work out how else it could have been handled?  Other members will chime in, don't worry.

It's good to have you here, coopyloopy of the cute name.

Thanks for your kind words and advice. I really appreciate it. I was feeling pretty low last night after several days of crap.

He’s been much better tonight though and we’ve started talking again. He claimed he hadn’t been taking one of his meds, although sometimes I think he just uses that as an excuse for his behaviour.


This has been going on for years. It’s definitely the one thing I need the most help with so thank you for the link, I will have a read after this. My biggest problem is that I can’t stand being around anger and avoid conflict like the plague. It’s something I’ve just never been able to deal with (funny that this is where I ended up!). Anyway, he knows this and uses it against me, kind of like a toddler – have a tantrum and get what you want... .And I always give in. I'm like that with my kids too though. My 9 year old daughter still has massive tantrums if she doesn't get her own way... .Something she's inherited from her father I'm afraid. But I know I can't just blame him. It's all come from me rewarding the bad behaviour both with him and my kids. It’s not because I’m weak or pathetic, I like to think I’m a pretty strong person who can stand up for myself when I need to, but I also just hate drama and fighting. I think life’s too short to be miserable and I would rather everyone be happy. Clearly that’s not working for me!

But it's not just the tantrums it's also this obsessive righteousness that ends up spirally out of control. He'll rant for hours about the smallest thing getting more and more angry. Half the time what he says doesn't even make sense! It could be anything from something he read in the newspaper through to something his mum did when he was a kid or something my dad is doing that has nothing to do with him, at all. Anyway whatever it is, it always ends in having a go at me becuase I say the wrong thing.


I’m pretty sure I talked to him about this afterwards and asked him to never do it again. But he does use it to threaten me now and then. IE if you don’t answer the phone or if you hang up on me I’ll come to your work and make a scene. Obviously I’m doing something wrong here so will check out the link


I definitely want to make it work. It’s more that I feel trapped in the situation rather than in the relationship – if that makes sense. It feels like we’re in this holding pattern where I’m waiting for him to get better and he’s probably waiting for me to make things better and neither of us are achieving anything. We’re just making it worse for each other.  


When I try validating it never feels very genuine and he’s very perceptive so he can see if from a mile away and it just makes him worse. The only thing that does work is listening. I used to be able to sit there for hours and listen but over the years I’ve become less tolerant. And I have a lot less time now too. It’s also very draining listening to all that negativity and hearing the same things over and over.


This event is pretty minor in the scheme of things but it just happened this morning so it’s still fresh in my mind.

In the mornings he’s normally very hyperactive and easy to anger so he stays in bed until the very last minute so he can’t find something to go nuts about. Every morning I get up, get the kids ready for school. Then I wake him up on my way out the door and he drops the kids off at school.

Anyway this morning I missed my bus and took the car.
About halfway down the road I got a barrage texts, ranging from asking why I didn’t drop the kids off and ordering me to come home to get them, through to I hate you. I’m leaving you. I just want to die and so on.

So I turned around and went home. He yells at me as soon as I get in the door.
You only think about yourself. You’re a b@#$%. I hate you etc

I tried to remind him that the last time I dropped them off at school without talking about it beforehand I got raged at for ‘disrupting his routine’ but he didn’t want to listen so I just left with the kids before it got any worse.

The texts continued all morning.  I only replied to two of them. One that said he hadn’t been taking his Concerta and was going to stop taking the rest of his medication too. To which I said ‘that’s  not a good idea’ and another where he told me he wasn’t going to pick the kids up from school and I had to do it. To that I just said sorry I have meetings all afternoon.

All in all I thought this one wasn't too bad. Nothing was broken, nothing too horrible happened, I didn’t have to leave halfway through work and we ended the day being civil towards one another. But if there’s anything you think I could have done to improve it then please let me know, because although it wasn’t too bad, it’s definitely not ideal and not how I want to be living my life every day.  

Thanks again for all your he