BPDFamily.com

Xw always told me I was never there for her this still plays on me. Things from way back when we lived together are coming to my mind. It seems no matter how good I was to her it meant nothing, she only wanted my family out of my life, with this Xw was absolutely relentless. There is so much to this sickness and lately so much of her crazy making is on my mind. It's like I was always being devalued, she wanted nothing from me. If she would be coming home late I would tell her to call and I would get supper started, she wouldn't, I would say call and I can put tea on, and at least have a hot cup of tea ready. She would never call. It's like she hated me being a good man. She had a knack to make me feel bad about her not accepting my good gestures, things a good partner does. Than she would turn around and say I don't know how to be a husband. There was always some kind of a turmoil. I am very empathic probably an empath. I was always in a mental mess with her, often sick, my joints and bones were always sore. I was a sponge for her toxic poison. It plays on me mentally, knowing, especially now, that I was a good man to her and devalued and belittled in every way.

You know that you did your best in a situation where no-one's best would have been good enough, and that you are good now.

I don't know how much of the BPD/NPD manipulation is intentional, but I do suspect it was learned at an early age as a means of getting attention, so it would have become ingrained as 'normal' behaviour, probably without conscious awareness. If something is normal to you then you don't notice you're doing it.

I think these people's minds are so disordered and in a constant state of flux that neither we nor they can expect to understand how their thinking processes work. We have logical reasons for the way we behave, they likely do not.

Buy yourself a present and hang out with psychologically healthy people. 

I guess all of us on here deserve a present. Xw's mother was sexually abused by her father and Xw spent every weekend with her grandfather until the abuse came out when Xw was a teenager. I strongly expect Xw was also molested, if not she was the only grandchild that wasn't. I suspect much of xw's behaviour is born out of this. Xw's father jumped to xw's mothers wishes. Xw's mother would call xw's at work everyday sometimes twice a day to come running home for some non existent problem. Xw did this to me and does it to her BF. Xw had her BF come after me one time for a non existent problem. He was unaware, thought he was protecting her rescuing her. But I knew what was going on.

So your ex and her family have a terrible background of abuse. That is very sad, but far too complex for you to think you can begin to solve it.
Accept that you cannot mend her, you will only be sacrificing yourself to add to the list of casualties. Leave it to the professionals.

Somehow I think the confusion for us is we have a normal emotional temperament and thought process and they do not, therefore we have no choice but to be confused. Mine was after for months to move in, I finally did, then two months later I find her text saying she felt smothered and was never alone. With us both working we spent maybe the time between 8-12 together a day, sometimes less sometimes more. If that's smothering being with your partner for 4 hours a day, there is something seriously wrong. She would constantly talk about wanting babies and marriage with me, going so far as to get upset if I didn't seem excited. Then some time later it would be I never want to get married I can do it on my own, and I don't want anymore children, she would invariably say that. I always knew once that started a breakup was coming, and we have been through 4. She would constantly wonder why I didn't text her or say something underhand about it, but she never would me. It always felt like a mind game. If I didn't do things I was an ass, if I did I was smothering and a pushover. Always a no win situation.

Julia S, I feel bad for xw. I never brought the abuse up to her and never brought it up to me, in fact she kept her past tightly locked away, never talked about it at all. I would tell xw things about my child hood and family things we would do and she would get extremely sarcastic saying oh yes your perfect family. Sometimes she would get close, things would be good and I would think wow things are going good, she finely sees me as a good person, than right out of the blue she would say, you think things are good but they are not, what are you going to do about your family? I was always kept off balance. It got to the point where I thought something is wrong, I can't be this horrible terrable person she says I am, I was in a very bad mental state, drained. I begged her to come to counselling she was dead set against it totally refused. She said our marriage meant nothing to her and wasn't afraid to divorce me, I begged but she said it was easier to leave me and so she did.

See, you did everything you could. But maybe the thought of facing the past in therapy was just too terrifying for her, and the normality - for her - of the reality she was used to was preferable.

 

I really wonder if most people with BPD were sexually abused by their family members? Is this usually the case?

Makes me so sad that this type of behavior goes on in the world.

HI burnerin, it is very sad. I'm not sure, I can't say if sex abuse is common in people with NPD/BPD. I can't say Xw was abused. Her mother was, aunts, uncles, all abused by the father. The grand children, xw's first cousins were pretty well all abused. It baffles me why xw's mother knowingly exposed her own children to a sexual predator. My T say if Xw wasn't abused she has the traits of someone abused. Xw mother, for lack of a better word can be quiet crazy and did not seek any councelling for the abuse, in fact Xw mother warned me to stop asking Xw to come to councelling when our marriage was falling apart. Her whole family kind of went snaky when I was pushing councelling. Maybe Xw doesn't have a personality disorder, maybe it's learned behaviours she saw growing up.

Well, my ex was sexually abused by her sister. Maybe not so much abused, cause she wanted it from her, but I also think her sister made her do  it sometimes?... So it just makes me feel like their brains develope a way of coping with this trauma at a young age, and they have to find ways to protect themselves. 

How does one man get away with all of this sexual abuse? It is so frustrating.  I hope he is in jail now? Since people know about it? Idk how laws with that work.

He went to jail. Is dead now.

It's my opinion bus boy, that they are aware of the confusion and chaos they cause. I don't think they like themselves very much. But tbey know what they are doing.

As an amusing aside, mine stole my phone in court yesterday. I called security and she still refused to give it back. I think she was looking for evidence of an affair she accused me of having with her new husband's ex wife.  Then she told security she is going to sell it for money. Then he said "Mam that man is going to file a criminal charge of theft against you if you don't give it back". She said "OK have it back".

I can't make this nonsense up

Moselle, that's pretty hay wire stuff. I have proof of a money order receipt, proof from the bank that Xw cashed the money order and she is still insisting she didn't get Septembers child support payment.

Sorry man. Its all crazy making. In the moment they are feeling intense pain and they just start making things up that seem logical to them but to anyone else seems off the wall.

The feeling is the fact to them, and they make up the other details, or story to suit how they are feeling. It looks like lies to us from our reality, because they are making up things that never happened. It looks totally normal from their reality which says:

"I'm feeling angry, having a rage. Someone must have made me feel this. It's Moselle or bus boy that caused it. Therefore he didn't pay, or is having an affair, or was violent towards me. I can therefore steal his phone, file a DV,  tell the judge he hasn't paid. He has hurt me therefore I will hurt him in as may ways as possible "

It must be a tortured reality for them. Thank goodness we are out of that chaotic  confusing mess.

Thank goodness is right. The crazy making will probably never totally end but it's getting less and less. As I'm getting better at detaching and getting fewer and fewer texts from xw, she is probably giving to my replacement what I use to get.