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I broke up with my BPD ex last week after 2 years (where I was told I'm abusive and couldn't seem to do anything right despite listening, changing, and giving everything I had.) A few months ago she asked for an open relationship, I insisted I couldn't and she harangued me for not "coming to this with love and compassion so she could gain autonomy over her body and heal." Something didn't sit right and last week I found out she'd already been sleeping with someone else since March, convinced that person's gf at the time to let it continue, and lied to me over and over again.

She doesn't seem to even realize she cheated and was conniving/manipulative not only with me but the other person's partner at the time. I went no contact but just spotted a message from her that goes along the lines of:
"I'm sorry our attacks on each other and different styles of communication led us here. There's mental illness and pain and love on both sides, please don't let pride get in the way of an amicable ending. I deserve one more conversation."

I'm floored. She literally spent months telling me I was "the one", accusing me of wanting to see other people (I didn't), and yelling at me over getting upset over "the idea" of an open relationship - when she was screwing someone else the entire time!

Is she ever going to feel remorse, sadness, or anything other than this delusional justification and higher-than-thou attitude?

And now, even after all of this, after all of the screaming, shoving, threats, years of emotional abuse, and nearly a year of cheating, I still want her back. I desperately want her to check into an institution, to get back on meds, and really start therapy to get better so that we can share the life we dreamed of. No matter how much I ruminate on how malicious, hurtful, and conniving she was, I can't shake how much I love and in love with her I am.

Hey sabriega, do you see the contradiction here? You know she treated you poorly, yet you still want her back. That's pretty normal in most cases. It's an effect of trauma bonding.

Describe the love that you feel. Why do you think you feel that way?

It floored me a bit to read this - this is exactly what happened to me. Of course at the time she asked there was "no one else"; then she admitted there was but that they only met for coffee and kissed a few times; later (of course) I found out they had an affair.

After the "we met for coffee conversation" I told her that I thought she needed a therapist - and she agreed. She once told me that her therapist told her that her request (for the open r/s) was unhealthy.

Our r/s ended when I found out she remained in touch with her affair partner through the year she was in therapy - even though she promised to stop.  

Your situation is emotionally abusive. You don't owe her "one last conversation." What you do owe YOURSELF is to protect your wounded heart at all costs. This person's words and behavior, if she does have BPD, will never be something you can make sense of. After all, it's a mental illness. There's nothing logical about it.

Your residual feelings for her are normal - but don't let them guide your behavior. Her chaos will be part of the equation in any r/s, and even with therapy there are no guarantees - I found out the hard way. If you were able to rekindle the r/s, could you live with unfaithfulness, or in an open r/s? I couldn't - no matter how much I loved her.

Your heightened emotions will begin to fade over time, and then you will begin to wonder why you were so terribly, achingly drawn to someone who had such little regard for your heart. You deserve much, much more.

HI sabriega

I just want you to know your not alone and that your post is a carbon copy of what happened to me.
It seems like there is no remorse , no feelings(only their selfish feelings count), no loyalty,all lies and manipulations. I found out as well there was several people on the side all the while my exBP gf was with me. I was so dumbfounded when I found out all she has been betraying  me with. It hurts and its not fair to honest loving people like us. I feel we can understand them as much as this site or any textbook can tell us. But deep down we will never fully comprehend their actions and why they do what they do. We are a different breed than them. She will never own up to what she has done with any remorse. You deserve so much better. It won't be easy but No Contact  is the way to go. Get on the path to healing and leave her behind.

As far as wanting her back ... .I think to an extent we all want them back but you have to realize the way we see the relationship is NOT the way they see it. They are distorted and warped because of the BPD. We truly loved them with everything we had but it will NEVER be like we want it to. It is impossible without them admitting to and seeking some therapy for this problem. And as jhkbuzz stated therapy might not even be the solution.


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