BPDFamily.com

My husband's ex has fostered a completely destructive and contentious legal battle over custody of his son, going on now for four years and $50,000+.  I've been to a therapist, my husband has been to a therapist, and we've been to therapy together to try to deal with how stressful this is in our lives.  She's done just about everything she can to make this as difficult as possible -- she wants my husband to have no part in their child's life together AT ALL, and will stop at nothing -- and is being bankrolled by her father to do it (she can't hold down a job and her and her new husband can barely make ends meet, they live in borderline poverty and meanwhile wage this crazy-expensive legal battle). She has lied that my husband abused her during their marriage, that she is afraid of him and afraid for their child when he is with us, that my husband abuses me, that he emotionally abuses their son (NONE of this is true).  She recently called DCF to report my husband for "abuse" -- they investigated, and just like the two therapists that have observed him multiple times interacting with the child and conducted independent psychological examinations, found that everything she said was unsubstantiated and that he is a perfectly fit parent.   No matter what she has done (most recently not exchanging the child for over 3 months for court-ordered visitation) the court seems to do nothing.  She isn't punished, found in contempt, or has to face any consequences for her actions, so she keeps doing it.  She currently is outright refusing to communicate with my husband to coordinate visitation. When confronted by my husband's attorney, she replies that it is all my husband's fault, that he wasn't communicating enough with her. WHAT? She is the most deciteful and duplicitous person I have ever encountered.  Nothing is her fault, everything is the responsibility of everyone else, and she can't possibly be wrong. We don't know what do do anymore, we feel like giving up. The court system has been a joke, and she's turning his son against him.  DCF, after they concluded their investigation, recommended therapy for their son, because this is so contentious and he is starting to lie and have negative behaviors. We've wanted him in therapy for years.  We don't even know if she'll let him go.  I'm worried she's going to emotionally and psychologically scar this kid beyond repair.   It is so hard to keep going -- our court case is now headed for the Supreme Court on appeal in the state where the case is located. My husband and I will be expecting our first child soon, and I just want her drama, mess, and negativity out of my life!

Sorry to hear what you are going through. A few things that I do may be helpful.
I only communicate through email. In fact, I had it put in our court order. This way, when in court, there is no he said/she said without evidence
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Document everything you can and try to make it as easy for you as you can. Another reason I only communicate through email.

I was falsely accused of assault and went to jail for two weeks. After I got out I purchased a video recorder and an small audio recorder. They are with me whenever I may be near my ex: school functions, doc appointments, pick ups, etc. Our order states that during pick ups ex must stay in her residence until I drive away. The first time I went to pick our boys up after getting out of jail she came out and started walking towards my car. I turned the video recorder on and pointed it directly at her. She uturned and went back in her place. Same thing happened the second time. After that she brought it up every time we were in court. I get yelled at by the judge and that is about it. It is illegal in my state. My atty told me I better stop or I could get in trouble. I then started pointing the camera directly at myself. It is not illegal to record yourself. My atty thought that was arguable in court and told me to continue.
 
All my email communication is short and to the point. I only discuss pick up times, etc. I do not discuss parenting issues in my house or ex's house. That is called parallel parenting. Ex will send email that are pages long with all kinds of accusations. If there is something about pick up times or something similar I respond to that and that only. Three to five sentences is my usual rule. I go that from this site.

It took me from 2007 until sometime in 2010 to get to that point. It was a learning process.
I had three protection orders filed against me, child protective services was called two or three times, police were called numerous times, and a bunch of other things.
 
Learning how to handle things with my ex required me to emotionally detach before I could find solutions.

Example, ex files a protection order against me saying she was afraid that I was going to harm her when I went to pick the boys up. My solution was to pick the boys up at their school which she refused to agree to prior. My problem was when I picked the boys up at her place she would send them out without their school bags and would not let them have them. I am a school teacher and she knew that upset me. Picking the boys up at school solved her fears and solved my issue. I never brought up my issue in court since it wasn't really relevant to the protection order. The judge liked my idea and asked ex if she agreed. She agreed because she had nothing to counter in court. I had my atty write the revision right there and had the judge sign it along with ex and I. The next day I went to pick the boys up at school and was told that I was not allowed to pick them up without ex's prior approval. I handed a copy of the order from the day before. They told me it was not valid because it was hand written. I told them to send a fax to their legal dept and they would say it was okay. Fifteen minutes later I was walking out with both boys. Never had that issue again. Eventually the school figured ex out.

Another example, I went to pick our youngest up at her place. The order says that I am to call her cell and hang up when he voicemail turns on. The boys should come out in 5 minutes. I waited 15 minutes with nothing. I called again. I waited 15 minutes and then called the police. They showed up and told me there was nothing they could do since this was a civil matter. I would have to call my atty and have him figure it out. I explained that I was concwerned for everyone's well being in the house and asked them to do a wellness check. They have to do that by law. As soon as their feet touched her driveway the door opened and out came our son. Never had that issue again.

One more example, school called and said our oldest vomited in school. I happened to be nearby and said I would pick him up. It was mom's custodial time but she didn't answer her phone. The school left a voicemail for her too and she didn't call back until I was almost home. I sent an email when I got home giving her the facts. She demanded I drive our son to her place. I replied that our son was in bed with chills, nauseous, and a fever and I had no intention of getting him out of bed except to take him to the hospital or doctors. She raged in her reply and I repeated exactly what I said the first time. I received a call from the police a few hours later asking me what was going on. I explained the situation. The officer thought I was doing the right thing and asked me to reach out to ex. I sent another email telling her that officer xyz called me and I explained the situation. I told her I would email her the next day to let her know how he was doing.

It can be draining in the beginning. It gets easier the better you establish boundaries and stick with them. Focusing on my boys and ignoring the bs from ex really made things better.

Also, I found an attorney that understood what I was dealing with and he helped a lot in court to straighten out custody issues so things got easier.

I learned something very valuable during this journey. Courts must base their decisions on the evidence presented. Verbal testimony is not as strong as evidence. Evidence is a hassle in court because you need three copies of everything, it must be presented as evidence, it is then numbered, etc. It is a procedure that slows down the court. Judges and attys don't like slowing things down. Oh well. Presented evidence holds more sway when it is presented as such. Also, if it is ignored in the decision then you can contest the decision based on that. Judges know that and don't like being challenged like that.

Your atty may be able to ask that ex pays court costs since she is causing the problems. It may not be granted but keep asking as it may happen at some point in time. Having solutions and consequences for not following a court order helps the judge make a decision that is favorable.

One custody hearing the judge said he was not going to make a ruling. He said that each one of us was to have two weeks to hand in to him what each thought was fair. I spelled out 14 issues. Ex handed a two page paper saying I was abusive and should not be allowed to see our boys. The judge copied 13 out of my 14

points and that became a big part of our current custody order. That was in 2010.

I remember when I was so frustrated learning that my ex's allegations were repeatedly found "unsubstantiated" and cases closed.  One after the other and each one was handled separately as though it was the first report.  I figure there's a concept in handling allegations similar to whistleblowers, don't punish the reporter or else it might hinder future allegations.  Unfortunately courts and agencies are very slow to view serial unsubstantiated accusers as misuers of the protection laws, or vexatious litigants.  Their approach is to look, check it out and close the case and move on to the next matter at hand.  Consequences, if any, seem to accumulate to an actionable level only after repeated abuses of the system.

For me, it took years for the consequences to sink in... .as reduced credibility.  Since cases in court took about 17 months from filing to determination for me, I didn't have many opportunities to get her behaviors addressed in court.  Only once, when I was seeking custody, 5 years after first landing in court and 3 years after the final decree, did the court put on paper that a small part of her testimony was "not credible".  That's passive courtspeak for Liar.

Thanks, everyone, for your responses so far.  My husband and his ex only communicate via text, so we always have written documentation in court. We constantly submit the texts as evidence of her unwillingness to communicate and open hostility.  We can't do email, as she refuses to use a computer or have the internet at her house.  I'm trying to really support my husband in not escalating conflicts with her and engaging in her negativity or argument-baiting -- to keep things only to the point about visitation, which he does for the most part. I know he gets really frustrated, because she either ignores him or does whatever she wants to do with no consequences. We don't talk about her parenting to her or to his son. 

We can't do school drop-offs/pick-ups anymore -- when the court ordered more time for my husband and that pick-ups/drop-offs should be at the child's school (something she was adamantly against), less than three weeks later she pulled their son out of school (without notifying the school or my husband) and moved 4.5 hours away.  She called my husband the night they arrived in their new town to tell him that the mid-week visitations just ordered by the court and his extended weekend time "wasn't going to work anymore". We've now been fighting the relocation since April.  We entered into a stipulation in court that we would drop the relocation objection, as long as the new visitation order by the judge didn't take away any of my husband's court-ordered overnights. The judge ordered them to work out a new visitation schedule, based on the stipulation.  They and their lawyers worked it out in a conference room, with a schedule that didn't take away any time from my husband, so he would get the child for all of summer break and alternating weekends. She gave her verbal agreement. Then, when in front of the judge, she went back and said, no, that she didn't agree and that it was too much time away from her for the child. The judge then mandated that both parties put forward their new proposed visitation schedule.  We submitted the same proposed schedule that she previously agreed on and which met the conditions of the stipulation to which she agreed. The judge ruled, three months later and on his last day on the bench before retiring, on a visitation schedule that took over 58 days away from my husband.  She subsequently has denied my husband 48 visitations since her move and won't communicate with him at all. In the meantime, she has called DCF and said that seeing his dad "isn't in the best interests" of the child.

Not sure about this but I don't believe you can move that far away without notifying the other parent. I actually have it written in our order that any move that would not permit the court order to be followed needs court approval. I got that from online somewhere but it seemed at the time that it was a given even if it wasn't written in the order. I didn't want to take any chances with my ex. However, in your case, too much time may have passed to be able to do anything about it. Those kind of things need to be addressed immediately in court. The longer you wait the more courts will look at it as you already agreed so why did you wait until now to start a fight. If you have a good enough reason then it may be arguable in court. You need reasons and solutions in court. Judges want that because they really don't want to be the one making the decision. If you present a reasonable solution and the other party has nothing you can guess which way the judge will probably side.
You may want to talk to some attorneys to get other opinions about how things are going. My first attorney was very different then my attorney now. Back then I thought that attorneys knew exactly what to do and would handle all the twists and turns. I was wrong. My second and current attorney listens to my concerns and tells me how the courts in my area handle things and what I need to provide to accomplish my goal. Of course, it is not a guarantee but at least I know what to expect and it helps me anticipate roadblocks provided by my ex so I can avoid them before they happen.

We're not lawyers here, we're peer support.  But it seems to me that upon receipt of that ruling he should have filed for reconsideration, objection or appeal, whichever term would apply.  Did he have a lawyer?  That should have been offered as an option to consider pursuing.  Otherwise, once the time window ended without contesting it then he would be stuck with it... .and have an uphill struggle correcting that setback.


Not seeing a parent is NOT in the best interests of the child except in extreme circumstances.  Generally that is substantive child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment.  Lacking that then all she can do is obstruct but her allegations should largely end up unsubstantiated.  (Sadly, delays are the major result.  And another downside is that she can make new allegations when the older allegations fail again.)  Probably parental alienation too but for many years that's been hard to pursue in court.  Note that Dr Craig Childress has recently advanced an approach that casts alienation as an aspect of child abuse.  That seems to be getting more traction than Gardiner's PA & PAS approach decades ago.
https://drcraigchildressblog.com/

Hello,

Yes, so we've had a lawyer the whole time this has gone on.  Immediately after she relocated, we filed an objection to the relocation.  It went to a hearing, where we entered into the stipulation that was later ignored by the judge.  The new ruling was issued by the judge on his last day on the bench; he retired the next day, which led to the case going to a new judge when my husband's lawyer immediately filed a motion to vacate the order or reconsider.  The new judge said he would call the old judge to "see if he made a mistake" in ignoring the stipulation.  The old judge said he did not, so the new judge upheld the order.  My husbands attorney then filed an appeal, and it is now going to the Supreme Court in the state.  We are waiting for that.  In the meantime, we have been stuck in a catch-22 due to the appeal -- we can't file any contempt charges for the withheld visitations, as our lawyer has said it could damage the appeal (the court could see us filing contempt charges for not meeting the order as us "accepting" the new order, making an appeal invalid.  I've done research on this, and my dad and brother-in-law are both attorneys and concur that it could damage our appeal case). 

She responded to a text last week about visitation, because my husband's attorney called her attorney to try to figure out why she wouldn't communicate or exchange the child.  The reply, however, was to say that she wouldn't be exchanging the child that day (my husband had texted her 4 days previously to ask if she would be exchanging the child for his weekend, then again two days later, and she finally texted back two days after the second text -- 1 hour and 20 minutes before the exchange) because she had to work until 6pm (the exact time the child is supposed to be exchanged).  My husband followed up to see if she would exchange the child for the holiday visitation schedule, which all parties have had since summer, and to see if she would arrange to make up the time from the weekend, since she would be withholding it by making other plans to work until 6pm and not make the visitation exchange.  (For the holidays, my husband is supposed to pick the child up the day school gets out and have him until 2pm on Christmas day, then she gets the child from 2pm on Christmas day to the day school conveniences, alternating this arrangement on even and odd years. And then our alternating weekend schedule is supposed to resume.) It has now been four days without a response.  My husband requested she please let him know by Monday, Dec. 19th at noon.  When she didn't text by then, he texted her again.  We have yet to hear anything.

We were supposed to go to court on Dec. 14th for contempt charges from August (she filed them against my husband alleging he held the child a day longer than he was supposed to -- not the case, she has a history of "miscalculating" days and trying to interfere with my husband's time to cut it short).  However, she filed a continuance, saying she couldn't make it.  We're now set to go for that hearing on the 12th of January. 

Oh, and we keep citing alienation in court -- but the court doesn't seem to care, or it hasn't made a difference up to this point.  The psychologist who was in charge of the custody evaluation (which recommended my husband have much more time -- the order that was originally issued before she moved with the child and we got the second order which striped him of so much time and triggered her withholding the child for months) said in his evaluation that in our custody case "the greatest risk to the child is the mother's alienation and withholding of the child from the father".  This all seemed to go out the window when she moved, illegally, with the child.  It seemed the judge was just tired of this case, but it is no excuse to not do the work needed for his job and ensure what's best for the child. Once when we were in court he even said that this case was one of reasons he was retiring. I am hoping our new judge, if we ever get a chance to be in front of him, will see the overwhelming evidence for what it is -- that she is willfully alienating my husband's child from him, while my husband is just trying have a positive relationship with his son.

I believe the new judge will have to be shown all the evidence from the previous hearing. Then you can add the things that have occurred since that time. I found that overwhelming evidence is the surest way to accomplish something in court. Always keep in mind that you should not disparage the other party. Let your attorney do that.
I learned to play the game of finding solutions to problems and presenting it in court without saying out loud that my ex is the cause of all this nonsense.