BPDFamily.com

I'm not really sure how to articulate this, but to me it seems like in the end they are masters at making us feel the loss.  Having gone through the ringer over the past few years, being isolated from friends, family and activities that I used to enjoy... .near the end here I am finding myself feeling an incredibly sense of loss... .an incredible sense of doubt in what really happened. 

I think what makes it all so hard is she really has become a better person through this whole process... .she has new friends, is more fit than ever and has prospered financially... .and me... .I've lost connection with friends, my children, my family, have been financially crippled and am in arguably the worst shape of my life physically and emotionally... .I think I see what I've fallen into, has she become all that I have left so that is why I am feeling this way?

Hey NewStart, I'm sorry to learn of your situation, which is quite familiar to me, because I was once in your shoes.  Perhaps you could fill us in on your current situation with your SO?  The place to start, I suggest, is with self-care, by returning the focus to yourself.  It's easy to lose oneself in the throes of a BPD r/s.  Caretaking someone else means avoid or denying self-care.  Suggest you change that dynamic as a way to take a baby step towards feeling better.

LuckyJim

This makes it extremely hard to move on. I know exactly what you are feeling and you are not alone.

I often say, look at what they make us give.
It is because I too gave up everything, friends, family, money, hobbies, everything to build a life with her.
Then just like you, mine decided she was done and she had already been building new friendships and new life. She left when she was ready and had a support staff in place.

It may seem like she has become a better person and maybe for a while she has, but you know deep down it won't last and she will come crashing down. Not that you should take comfort in someone else's failures but I often fear that my ex will do well simply because that means everything she said about me is true that I am the cause of all her problems.
It isn't true though. It can't be.

We give and they take, until there's nothing left in the tank.  Or at least that's what happened to me.

No, Hisaccount, you're not the cause of all her problems, though a pwBPD will blame you in order to offload the responsibility onto someone else.  Your task, I suggest, is to let go of the blame.  It's poisonous, but is harmless if you don't ingest it.

It's possible to recover a lot of lost ground, however, with friends and family who know who you are deep down, before the BPD tsunami hit.

LuckyJim

Hey LJ,  Current situation is that we've been on brink of divorce for several months.  She said it was over and that we needed to make an appointment to see a mediator to figure out how to split things up and I said ok let's just get it done.  At the eleventh hour she broke down and said we can't do it, she'll change etc.  Now... .right back to the same spot or probably worse... .she artfully reeled me back in and dumped me on my head.  This time it seems worse, because it feels like she knows she doesn't have to rage anymore, she's now manipulating with silent treatment, guilt and the knowledge that I'm isolated and not feeling good about myself.

And like you Hisaccount, it's me not her at this point, I'm my own worst enemy at this point.  She's turned the screws and now it's not me thinking poorly of her, it's morphed to a certain self loathing and that drives the aspect that I might actually miss her if she's gone... .that the breakdown has been my fault.

That is what I have done my whole life. I feel like a failure for not making her happy. I tell myself I could have done more, or I could have tried harder. I beat myself up.

It never would have been enough though.
Other people can accept faults. BPD cannot. There is no gray it is black or white. If I crack a joke that can be taken in a bad way then I am mean. If I mis spoke it doesn't matter it is on the books now and used against me.

Even know my heart tells me I could have done things differently or should have but my head says it would not have mattered.

No, I doubt that anything either of you could have done would have changed the outcome, so don't beat yourselves up!  BPD, needless to say, is an extremely complex disorder that is hard to comprehend unless you have been in a r/s with a pwBPD.  It's so far out of the realm of what most have experienced in their relationships and marriages that it is difficult for outsiders to relate.

It may sound trite to say focus on your own care, yet that is an effective starting point.  Someday, I predict, you will be grateful that you decided to leave, though I know it doesn't feel like that now.

LJ

LJ, you're correct that there's nothing on can do to change things, but even when we know this when someone we care about manipulates and treats us the way they do... .it is so hard to wrap your head around... .so hard to not be hit by.

So my current situation, she's gone from we absolutely have to make this work to pretty much giving me the silent treatment and working on developing friendships outside of our relationship with no energy spent on us. It's always so confusing and exhausting and when it's all said and done... .everyone thinks I'm some sort of @$$#%!&... .

So, here I sit on the couch watching her kids tonight while she's out... .yeah and barley a simple thanks... .