BPDFamily.com

The only thing she hasn't blocked me from because I don't have an account.  It seems as though she still uses it.  I can't help, but to look.  She recently posted a picture of her new tattoo.  I'm... .

Not sure how I feel.  

I miss her, a lot.  But I'm not sad.  

I guess that's improvement. :)

So you can make this useful burnerin.  First, what were you thinking and feeling as you decided to look for her on Instagram, how did you feel when you found her, and how did you feel looking, and how did you feel right after?  Getting into this stuff and discovering what emotions are triggered by what events is helpful as we detach, and once we're clear we can make decisions from that place, more informed and wiser.

Well, I was on Twitter, and decided to look her up.  I don't know why? Habit... .? I guess I still want to know stuff about her life.  What she's up to.  Just anything.  Since I figured out she cheated I wish I had someway to communicate to her to tell her that I know, and she can't play me for a fool this time. 

I saw her pictures on Twitter and I scrolled down to a link that was for her Instagram account. 

I couldn't help, but click it. 

As I looked through her pictures I noticed 3 pictures I haven't seen before. 

Two of her latest tattoos, and one of her having a drink that says she's been a month sober and that was a virgin drink she was having.

I wonder if I had anything to do with her wanting to get better SO BAD.  When we were together she was getting help from her therapist a lot.  I know she was talking about doing psychotherapy.  She wanted more than anything to get better and she would do whatever it takes. 

Since our break up she's been to the hospital 3 times, maybe 4? Because of me. I just want to know she's ok? Seeing her post on Instagram makes me feel like I can still be apart of her life and she doesn't have to know. 

I still really care about her.  I will never stop caring about her.  I just always want to know things about her.  I don't know why. 

I guess I'm just looking for hints of anything still there.  It surprises me that she still has me in some pictures on Instagram, but never posted any of her and her ex gf.  Or she deleted those, but not me. 

Makes me wonder if she will come back into my life.  I only want friendship from her.

Forgive me for picking and choosing from your post, but I just chose the highlights.  You care about her, you can't help yourself, you don't know why.  I understand.  And you're looking for hints of anything still there, and you only want friendship from her.  I understand that too, been there done that.  A little conflicted and confused, totally normal, and it's been about half an hour since you posted your discovery; how does it feel now?

Honestly, I feel alright.  :) The fact that I can still see her posts gives my heart some healing because I can still know some stuff without asking anybody, or going crazy not knowing.  It gives my mind a place to be ok. 

OK then!  It's helpful to stay in touch with our emotions, something we can forget how to do when we're in the intense interpersonal relationship that is a hallmark of one with a borderline.  And then, if something changes, we can adjust, as opposed to getting caught up in the emotion.  Take care of you!