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It's been 5 weeks since our break up and my thoughts just go round and round.  The weird thing is she had pushed me away for months with her angry accusations of phantom affairs I was supposed to have had.  And her conversation just got increasingly self-obsessed.  I was avoiding her.

We didn't talk for 2 weeks, she announced a new man who 'looked after her', kind of 'you can't fire me, I quit'.  The whole way it was done was obvious, via texting/not texting suspiciously and was designed for maximum hurt.

She has stalked me on Facebook for years, admitted to going through my personal messages (probably the tip of the iceberg) and generally isolated me.  It has finally hit home that she's incredibly bad for me but my thoughts still go the way they go.

I realize that I've taken on her obsession and paranoia.  I think this is called 'sponging'.  It's bizarre that I kind of wanted it over but it's all I think about.  After weeks of grief and crying and denial, I've reached the stage where I accept her as being mentally ill in some way.  It's strange that I never did that consciously years ago.  I avoid Facebook but find myself wanting to know the truth of the last 5 years.  The worst part of this breakup was discovering what a supreme liar she is.  There are so many possibilities looking back and after going through denial, it's clear that she didn't just get good at lying recently.  Who the hell have I been with?

Anyone else find themselves becoming the worst part of their ex BPD?  It's frightening and I try to do other things but it won't go away.

I wasn't sure if my obsessing was a side effect of the trauma of the split or that it was due to the lack of closure or because she had been such an integral part of my existence for most of 7 years.

I'm almost 5 months out and was doing fine until I learned that she has been dating her replacement for at least a month plus. I haven't dated and thus took my vows very seriously, which has probably hurt me more as a result.

Do you live in the same town as her? I moved here to be with her so once I am further away, I am expecting to heal much faster.

Funny you should say that.  I moved 600 miles to be with her.  Naturally, her social group became mine, she isolated me sucessfully from any potential new friends that she considered a threat and in the end I wanted to hang out with her and her alone.

I feel as though, after 2 years of living here that I've suddenly landed in an alien environment even though I work here, have my own place etc.  She works around the corner from where I live and have had to find new routes to avoid seeing her car and possibly her.

The places we used to go out are now off limits.  She has an incredibly low tolerence for boredom and I now seem to view most people in the same way.  It's ultimately shallow and needs to be got over but it is a kind of drug.

I watched a video the other day, explains that we get addicted to the dopamine that we produce when we are with pwBPD? I'm not a doctor so I don't know but this makes sense to me. I've had break ups in my past, nothing like this. It has to be a brain chemistry thing because I cannot break it on my own.

I have heard that that's true of being in love generally Jerry.  I think it's something more.  Another frightening thing for me is that my ex wife has many of the same traits as my recent ex girlfiend, but the latter seemed the exact opposite of my wife at first .  I was only 6 months seperated from my wife when we met and still vulnerable and hurting.  It's somehow tempting to think of BPDs as cunning and vampires of some sort.  I think the truth is much more scary as it's a symbiotic relationship and she filled a hole in my life in much the same way as I did for her. 

Ya it's called "fleas", we spend so much time immersed in the senseless and irrational that we begin to loose touch with reality and loose ourselves. Stay strict NC long enough and you will get back to normal.

It's a horrible sensation when we realize our reality can be twisted by someone we believe loves us.

I know I've used defenses that were very unhealthy but they probably saved my sanity. I've seen and heard things no one should experience through out my life, my ex was by far the worst, after repeated exposure to these I just learned to tune them out, block it, tuck the memories away somewhere.

Not good