BPDFamily.com

I have just come out of a relationship with a woman who has BPD and I really need to share my story and seek some advice.  This website has really helped me to understand more about BPD and I look forward to any advice!

I was with my BPD GF for 1 year and we had a good year.  Looking back, I passed quite a number of red flags (she has mum/dad issues related to being adopted and then being sent to boarding school, constant mood swings, eating disorder, explosive anger over minor things, tried to commit suicide when a teenager, she stated that she feared being abandoned and so on + 30 other flags... )

However, despite all of the background problems we got on well, loved one another,  had a great sex life and spent quality time together as a couple and I got to know her children and friends etc.  I think you would refer to her as high functioning as she trys very hard to ensure that she looks perfect on the outside when it comes to her job, house and children etc.  She works very hard and is a highly regarded and successful member of her team at work.

Around 2 weeks ago I discovered that she had been having an affair with a married guy for the entire duration of our relationship, who she has been seeing for around 4 years on and off.  He had no clue I was on the scene and obviously it was news to me!

On all of this coming out into the open, she confessed that whilst she was seeing this other guy for 4 years (basically daytime sex as she was at home a lot and he's a driver who was regularly in the area  ), he was not the one she wanted and she planned to go to love and sex addicts therapy to try and get over him. This was all part of her grand plan to try and recover our relationship. (Apparently, she needs therapy as he has this hold over her?)

In addition to her plan for therapy, she begged me for forgiveness, said she would do anything to fix the mess, wrote long messages declaring her undying love etc.  Me being madly and blindly in love and probably in denial, wanted to believe that she was serious about a new beginning and agreed to try again.

 So, on the agreement that we needed a couple of weeks over Christmas to clear our heads, we agreed to just minimal contact to allow us to think things over, with the intention of getting together on xmas day.

In the past week she has been calling me and messaging me and sounding positive, she even had me speak to her parents on the telephone to talk about her love and sex therapy as she needed help with the money. This was obviously a difficult conversation for me based on this other guy being the cause and her parents being very conservative on issues such as this.

Today I discovered that whilst she was talking about us to try again, she was still seeing the other guy and having sex. In fact this guy that she wanted to seek therapy for has now become 'the one' and she wants to give it a go with him.  I think a large factor in this is that he has now left his wife and two kids, although she always said that she did not want him to do that etc etc...  

With our relationship coming to such an abrupt end and her already with her affair partner (they have just spent this weekend together) I am at a complete loss as to how I move on from here.  I feel resentful that he now has a chance of a happy relationship with her, I feel jealous that he is enjoying amazing sex with her and I feel wholly inadequate that she appears to have chosen an unavailable and married man over me. 

I know that I have issues to address seeing that I miss her so much, I was the typical nice guy in the relationship who felt lucky to be with such a beautiful, sexual and highly intelligent woman.  In the relationship, I often felt i was walking on egg shells given her mood swings and inability to take any instruction or constructive criticism.

I need to make some sense of all of this - today she said that she thinks I was her stability, always there for her, whereas he was the person she would go to at an emotional level... You can imagine how that made me feel about the past year given that the relationship already feels like a complete illusion!

I cannot understand how she could date two men at the same time, why she even started dating me and why she is committing to a guy that she has only ever spent 'affair' time with and is going to have to leave his family to be with.

The other awful thing is that I miss her a lot and have been constantly ruminanting about the possibility of being back with her!  Although I understand that would be an awful idea

If any one can offer me any advice or guidance as to how I make sense of this situation much appreciated.  Also any guidance on any good resources to help me recover would be great.

Welcome to the family

It is all about attachments with a borderline; once you get too close they fear engulfment and resulting abandonment, they will go back to an ex. or find another replacement to soothe their greatest fear of abandonment and being alone.

The book "stop walking on egg shells" is a good starter for learning why things went the way they did.
Other books I found helpful were "tears and healing", "co-dependant no more", "the search for the real self".
The right therapist can also be very helpful.

I read through many archived posts on this site when I was trying to figure out what the hell was happening to me; the more I learned about the disorder, found out I wasn't alone, and learned about why I accepted what I did and tried so hard to make it work, the easier it was to detach.