BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I have a partner with BPD who I absolutely love and adore, but I feel I am losing my patience. My partner constantly thinks I am lying to her, cheating on her, or that I don't love her. She is constantly looking for "clues" and makes connections between whatever things she finds, takes everything out of context, gives negative meaning to everything, etc. I have received insults, accusations, offenses, even physical attacks and I am starting to respond, and I don't want to.

I know it is not my partner's fault. She doesn't chose to behave like this and that is why I forgive her and I want to keep being in a relationship with her, but I feel my feelings and emotions are not considered. I feel alone and lost.

I have done everything I can and everything she wants and has asked for. I have closed my social media because it triggers her. I don't have friends here in town so I feel isolated now. I don't go out or do anything without her so she doesn't feel triggered and abandoned by me. Butit is not enough. I am tired.

She will start therapy tomorrow but I am scared it isis too late. I cry every day, I live in fear of her mood swings and rage, I can't endure more fighting. I feel I live in a nightmare and since I know she lives in a worse one, I just swallow everything.

Thanks for reading me.

Hey Lulu you are not alone!

I also love and adore my undiagnosed and untreated BPD spouse.  I get the same accusations;  I have my phone, emails, social media accounts scrubbed by her periodically.  I have deleted friends that are not everyday friends on facebook and have since deactivated my fb account at her request.  everything is my fault and even problems she brings upon herself, get linked back to being because of me.  I have stopped talking to my brothers, my parents because of how it triggers her;  I have stopped talking to my oldest daughter because of how it triggers her.  I am isolated, physically, emotionally and verbally abused.  The fights are always right around the corner and are as predictable as the sun.

For me, I am also learning I have a choice and the tools I am learning at this site as well as through my counselor are helping me take my life back.

hang in there.  Read, share, and listen.

I am new to this also but there is a wealth of knowledge here! 

Thank you Mecaco. I hope I can find some support and resources in here. It is really frustrating.

read, share, listen,... .you will find the support!

been with my BPD,npd spouse for 24 years it never gets easier , it never goes away ,its never your turn ,if you can accept that and take really good care of yourself ,be extra kind to you! its a kind extra-ordinary loving person that can be with someone who suffers from this!do not cut off your friends and family ! you need them !aviod conflict always have a place to go even if its window shopping or to a park , feed the ducks, feel the breeze ,appreciate the blue sky and remember this craziness is not all there is to life, remember most threats are empty ,and not worth being sucked into the conflict!you can love and self presserve!

If you can hold on to hope that the therapy will begin to help a little... .it might really help. Take care of yourself. Get therapy too . You need someone to talk to. Build a foundation of hope.

I understand how you feel. I have an undiagnosed GF. She somehow gets every post I make on FB in her news feed. We have some mutual friends, and if I post on one of them, for anything, and she is unhappy with me I hear about it. This woman is just someone I like, she is not someone I would ever date. I doubt she would date me if I was inclined either.

She told me I was flirting on FB if I liked a woman's comment. I said, I thought that meant I agreed with what she said. Nope.

I can't tell if I am being fussed at, or if she is just fussing in general.

I handled it well for a while, but it has gotten progressively harder. The problem is nothing I do seems to work. If I am quiet, I hear about it. If I leave, I hear about it. If I yell, I am an A hole. I wish there was a right answer.

She gets upset about the dumbest things. I call it a critical spirit. I told her the other day that I thought both of us could do ourselves a favor and focus on the good things we do. I think its a trap in society in general. We fuss about everything.

Good luck with it. I sure feel your pain. It's hard. Very hard.

You are so not alone. I just joined this board to because I need someone to talk to as well and to learn the best thing to do.
I have no friends, no contact with family and he gets mad if I talk to my oldest daughter and do not report every word.
I am 100% isolated. I can not even walk the dogs during the day (even though he has me on the phone) because he thinks I'd be sleeping with someone I met on the streets.
I go nowhere without him and when he's at work, I am on the phone with me. Hence, I don't have a job and hear it that he has to support me.
It's a very hard place to be in, especially when you love someone.
I'm looking forward to the support here.

I so feel for you.  I too knot the torture of isolation.  My entire social life is work ant the pharmacy. I will pray for you.

Hi there, Lulu8

You are welcome here.

This state of hyper-vigilance and aggression from your partner must be exhausting to live with. It's no wonder you find yourself starting to respond, if you feel you are being constantly mistrusted, misconstrued, and attacked in some way. That is bound to create stress in you!


It is not your partner's "fault" in the sense that she may have a mental illness which makes it very difficult for her to see the difference between her emotions and the facts. BPD is characterized by strong and swiftly changing emotions and impulsive behaviours, which together mean that she feels something and acts on it, without stopping to consider if her feeling is in line with reality and if her reaction is appropriate.

You are the one who will have to do that - step back and see the emotion and the reaction as two separate things and work out how *you* can maybe react differently in future. That's a learning process with which we can help you.


Of course you are tired. Anyone would be. The first rule if you are in a relationship with a pwBPD, is to take care of yourself. Agreeing to unreasonable demands such as cutting off your other friendships and activities is not only very damaging to you personally, but also to the relationship. You need your strength, in any r/s but especially in one with a person with BPD.

How long have you been together? Have you found things gradually getting worse? Do you live together?


You can stop swallowing everything, Lulu8. That course of action will not make things better. You want to be with this person, yet you feel you live in a nightmare. But you are torn because you fear that her nightmare is worse than your own and you don't know how to help her or yourself or the relationship. Would that be right?

It's been almost a week since your partner started therapy? How did that go?
Has she been diagnosed with BPD or what is she getting therapy for?

Do come back to us and answer my questions? In the meantime, can I suggest you have a look through some of the resources in the banner on the right here --->? The "Perspective Articles" and "Setting Boundaries" seem to me to be good places to start.

Your life can improve, but you might want to start taking a little more care of yourself for that to happen. Have you considered therapy just for some extra support? A book that many members have found helpful is "Stop Walking on Eggshells"  (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-walking-on-eggshells)

Understanding the disorder is helpful. Also very helpful and very important is understanding what communication techniques you can use to stop fighting all the time and to let you regain a sense of your own life.

Wishing you a peaceful Christmas and looking forward to hearing more from you soon  

   ~VitaminC

The first thing an abuser does is "isolate his victim". Just an FYI.

I could not even begin to deal with someone like that.