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I’m having a hard time now that the holidays are coming up. I’ve been so busy lately and with the new job situation working with my BPDex it feels like I’m taking steps backward. I’m feeling restless and down. I try to look at myself and what’s going on but I feel like I’m stuck.

I know I don’t want him back. I know he’s troubled. I know what a nice guy he can be. I know that the nicest thing he could do for me was to let me go when he did. I know that he’s with my replacement and the cycle will continue, at some point. I know it probably works for how long it works now, because she has less boundaries. I know I’m strong. I know he’s not the one… Gosh I know a lot of things…

But the working together makes it hard. It’s because it actually goes really well. But I keep taking the bait. I’m not initiating anything, but he does: conversation, a text last week…  I am cordial, try to be indifferent (I actually think that he really thinks that I am), I’m being the best version of me…  It’s just the small things: saying I look nice in that dress or asking at what time I get off. I wonder how I got to this point? Now we’re just strangers with memories and it looks like even the memories are not there anymore with him. It’s like everything is erased from that time. Without taking any responsibility of what happened. Why can’t I let go of that?

What I figured out is that I thought that he would never leave. Just because he’s so different from what I usually go for and stand for. I mean, he has a very different background, has had problems with the law when he was younger, he has different morals and values… And I kinda feel bad about myself for that: I actually thought I’m the best he’ll ever have. A well-educated woman, with a strong head on her shoulders, who’s actually done pretty well for herself. And that makes me a horrible person. Does anyone recognize this?

XOXO

 
I know the holidays can be hard. Esp with all the nostalgia between sappy holiday movies and family gatherings, it's hard not to reminisce.

Do you have any time off over the holidays? Is there something you can do to keep you busy and not ruminating?

I am a pretty big advocate of social groups. I run a group on meetup.com and that helped me immensely through all this. The last thing you want to be is a ":)ebbie Downer" to strangers so you talk about things OTHER than your ex. If you have any groups in your area I really encourage you to check them out, it's free to join and there might be a trivia night or crafting event where you can meet some new people and have fun doing something.

I know what you mean about being well-educated and doing well. My ex was over 50K in debt with a gambling problem. I am pretty frugal and live below my means. This relationship ALMOST ruined me financially.

It's amazing how we become attracted and even addicted to a bad relationship with a person who is not at all like us, the opposite of everything we ever wanted.
I wanted to save mine and "saw the good" in her. I suspect that is what you did as well.

My best advise is try to get back to enjoying life without this person. I know you have to deal with him at work but if you can compartmentalize your interactions with him it will help. What I mean is, once your interactions are done for the day, clear your head and do something just for you, even if it's a walk to get your favorite ice cream or a trip to the gym to work out, maybe treat yourself to a massage afterwards.

Go to the cheap show and get yourself a small popcorn and treat yourself... .you don't have to share! :)

The hardest part when these relationships end is that the drama ends. I never considered myself a drama queen but I became addicted to the drama. I remember walking with my dog a year after the break up. It was fall and it was just us and the crunching leaves. Everything was calm, quiet.

I now enjoy the peace again. I mentioned in another post, having dated a BPD I realized I had also surrounded myself with unhealthy people. I let go of about 10 people this year who were psychologically/verbally abusive and can truly say I am happier. My ex's sister works with me and she along with my former best friend (who was a confidant during my relationship with my ex) have tried to ruin me at work. My ex BFF "un-closeted" me and has spread vicious rumors.

It sucks. It sucks being betrayed but you know what?

I don't react. I truly believe "loose lips sink ships". Both these people are viewed badly by management and colleagues.  I am content and happy, I project that and it pisses them off more unfortunately... .

but I am going places. I carry myself with dignity and respect. Two things these people know nothing about.

Stacy, Meditate, reflect, but don't ruminate. You have so much good in your life and yes, your ex sees that.

Don't let him frazzle you. You have the potential to go far... .
he won't.

PW