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so last night things started out ok but there was a tension in the air.  I could almost taste it.  It turns out I am a shi**y husband, I have caused her many problems by sending her to jail (domestic violence), I cant be depended on, I am not with her mentally or emotionally which means I am cheating on her and I travel too much (two overnight trips last week - my job requires under 10% travel) and I am probably just traveling to see my mistress.  My family sucks and cant be depended on and family friends do more for us than my own family.  Further I never made it up to her for having to take the two overnight trips last week.  I don't take her on dates, and what are my plans to make it up to her. 

I stayed mostly silent during the exchange (interestingly, later she told me I did nothing but berate her), but in the end I made a mistake.  I told her I hadn't planned on a date with her because although I love her, getting my neck bit off every other day for the past several weeks, I did not feel like a date with her. 

she told me that was great.  that I was an A$$hole and a shi**y husband and that after I put the kids to bed I needed to pack my bags and just leave.  Take my dogs and just leave.

I put the kids to bed and when I came back downstairs she was asleep, I wrapped some Christmas presents and went to bed.  In the morning she seemed more back to normal and I told her that I do love her and that I do want us to get back to the point where we have dates and the enjoyment we had when we were first dating.

looking back on it, I stayed mindful for the first 90%.  I didn't react emotionally to the barrage.  I stayed calm.  Inside I was still fearful and I spoke to explain when I should not have.

In the heat of the moment it is hard to remember and it is easy to react.

However I did better last night than in previous exchanges and I am learning.  last night - I should not have explained, and I should have validated her feeling of anger more.

Sounds like you did pretty well to me.  Validating is not excusing or agreeing that she is right.  You are just acknowledging that she has her own feelings.  Once challenge, a big one, is to get your pwBPD to understand you can both have different feelings about the same idea or event and still survive.  But that's prolly down the road.  For now, you kinda just stick to "I realize you are upset."  Period.  No justifications, no explanations.  Nothing like that will change her mind or head off the freight train of her emotions. 

That said, it's okay to speak your mind and be honest - "You're not acting like someone I feel like going out to dinner with," is just honest.  And while it's not okay for her to be abusive in response, but if you know it will happen and can distance yourself from accepting the blame and anger, and think of it sliding off you, that's progress.  You will not find some magic tool to both make all dysregulation stop, or to get her to see she's being unreasonable.  But you can see that you are not in the wrong for feeling how you do, and also see you are not alone.

Have you ever asked her about offering a solution for you're having to work so much?  Like does she work?  Would she consider a part-time job so you can take a pay cut for no longer traveling?  (Not really suggesting it, but I wanted to know if she ever offered solutions or just dumped it all on you to "fix".  Also, how come you're the only one who can plan a date?  She can't have the kids at a sitter and surprise YOU with a night out when you come home?  Is she not an adult, too?  Can't she make a nice dinner and pick a movie to rent to spend time together?  What is she expecting from a "date"? 

I'm getting a lot of the infidelity accusations against me right now, too.  Funny thing is - H is the one who cheated years back.  Never me.  He is the only person I have ever kissed or been intimate with, but for years and years he's been convinced I am/have been cheating.  He has nightmares about it apparently, and I think a lot of his anger in the day time is him taking his anger at "dream-me" out on me in real life.  It hurts.  I've never been unfaithful.  No one else would think to accuse me of such, but  they also don't have BPD

Isilme ... .thanks for the reply and support.

I do feel like I did ok being able to give honest feedback even though I was scared to do so.  Of the two trips last week, one was for an interview and the other was normal work (budget meetings with finance etc).  She does work one day per week, and although she could work more days she opts not to because she wants to be present for our kids (3 and 5).  She has planned dates but she doesn't like to because she feels I get all the benefits without doing any of the work and that makes her resentful.

Regarding infidelity, I have cheated on her maybe 3.5 years ago and I flirted with a person maybe 2 years ago.  I was wrong in doing both and it has only served to build my shame up higher.  I can give dozens of reasons why I did it but at the end of the day it was wrong and I had choices.

as far as making things right - I try and I try but sometimes I wonder if the damage is too great.

I can relate to this. It always baffles me how a person can think that if they chew your A out all the time, that it might make you not want to be around them all the time. Or not want to talk.

Just for giggles, go to youtube, and look up a song by the Notorious Cherrybombs, called "Its hard to kiss the lips".  It should make you feel better.

In fact, I am gonna take my own advice.