BPDFamily.com

I have been posting in a few of the forums, as my relationship seems to change on a whim these days... .My partner exhibits many traits of BPD and meets a lot of the criteria of childhood traumas that are listed that stymie healthly childhood emotional development. I am no clinician and cannot say she has BPD and feel a bit guilty for my uneducated, amateur diagnosis. But i'm not an idiot and there are just to many coincidences to ignore the possiblity. Sadly though, people will show you what you see in them and I am really trying hard to see the person first and the disorder second but it is difficult as I learn more about BPD. I can no longer turn a blind eye to the damage that can be caused by some of these behaviours exibited.

First, i'm trying to save the relationship, then we are broken up and I'm moving out, now she misses me and wants me to come back... .(as long as i stop smoking) at least I am starting to see some of the behaviours for what they really are and understand where they come from, it keeps me from taking all the blame and thinking I'm the crazy one... .

Long story short, she kicked me out of the house last week and ended it. Apparently the whole failure of the relationship is MY fault.

Reasons:

1) We fight a lot. (pretty much in circles)
2) I smoke (context: I relapsed almost 2 years ago shortly after we started dating. She would smoke 1 or 2 in the evenings and one day I thought I could handle just 1... .well I learned that lesson)
3) I don't make heathy food  for her kids for dinners.
4) I don't meditate anymore
5) I break all my promises... .

There are countless other things that she will cite at any given time depending on the situation. In any event I have heard her concerns endlessly and she continues to bring them up. I take full ownership of the smoking, I never wanted to relaspe and before my successful quit before I relapsed I had smoked for 18 years. I am struggling through the process again and DO want to stop (well sometimes I don't because it also gives me the space temporarily for 5 minutes to shut my mind off to all the crazy making... .) I rarely, if ever, hear her take responsibility for her behaviours and of the changes she wishes to make to improve her quality of life/mental health and the onis seem to fall on me to make the majority of the changes. Now she says if I were to just quit smoking I could move back, like smoking was the only issue at hand here. She feels like I am choosing to smoke over her and her kids. That, to me would feel extremely painful if someone conciously made a desicion to choose something else over me and my kid. I get that, but I am the type of person who doesn't think in black and white and am open to other ideas, or objective suggestions to look at a situation differently. Change the way you look at something and you change the way you feel about it? Am I right? Sadly, she does not think like this and there is no understanding on her part that this is a disease and an addiction. A personal struggle and hell that I must face if I have any hope to quit.

This has had a significant impact on my own mental health and self esteem, which hasn't helped me in the stop smoking process. I am taking steps top re-connect with myself and my values and learning to establish proper boudaries and how to enforce them (for lack of a better saying) I stated to her last night, that i'm sorry that she feels like I am choosing a drug over her and her kids, and what a painful experience that must be for her. I continued by saying that while it feels that way, it is not true, and I am fighting a battle of addiction that has nothing to do with anyone but me. I also stated to her that I will no longer engage in discussing this topic and be forced to give timelines of when I am going to stop when I have not committed to myself when I am going to stop, as it will only set me up for failure. I explained to her that if she wishes to discuss this topic or any of the other 4 topics she has mentioned in the past as to what is wrong in this relations ship that we do so with a counsellor. We have couples counselling scheduled for the new year. Only then will it be a safe environment to discuss these topics as we seem to repeat this cycle.

I am only recently begining to rediscover what my core values are so that I can understand when I feel like my boundaries have been tested (or over run) and to respond more effectively, with kindness as opposed to reacting defensively which has been the case in the last 8-10 months. The more I understand about BPD and it's behaviours is helping me achieve these things as they will serve me in all my relationships (friend, family, strangers, romantic partners, and children)

I guess what I'm asking is, what can I do to improve my boundary setting? My attempt last night made me feel more empowered (I wasn't a wreck and insecure after listening to her) as I am actively living to my values (as I understand them more) in how I wish to be treated and respected, but I know I can do better. Any suggestions would be a great help. I am not ready to give up on my relationship with her, and I don't think she is either. Our motives might be a little different, but I believe her love for me is authentic as she knows love to be as is mine for her as I understand it.

(wow, that went on longer than I thought, if anyone read the whole thing I commend you lol)