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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: Jeffery on December 20, 2016, 11:48:20 AM



Title: need advice
Post by: Jeffery on December 20, 2016, 11:48:20 AM
Hello, I have never reached out like this, so please bare with me. I have been in a relationship with my wife for 17 years, it has been rocky from the very start. We have a beautiful daughter (now 15) whom we both love dearly, she is truly the glue which keeps us trying to improve. It has taken me many years to realize I may be living with someone who is not normal and struggles with BPD. It was suggested to me that my wife may have BPD from a wonderful counselor I have seen on and off for some time now. He suggested I read "walking on eggshells" which I did and then it became more clear as to what might be going on. I must say that my particular situation is not as extreme as some of the examples in the book, but it sure has been a source of continuous pain. Now that my daughter is older, she is starting to deal with the same issues I have for many years. One of the concerns I have is that my wife's BPD is going to have a negative impact on my daughter as I really don't know how it will impact her. Here are a few issues I have been dealing with, so any advice as to how best navigate would be appreciated! I have been told for many years that I don't love my wife enough, I am a "good time" guy and just don't know how to relate in a relationship. I am told that I should be with someone else, someone younger and more beautiful who enjoys the activities I do. I am told on a regular basis that "this relationship just isn't working for me (wife) and it needs to be improved or else. I have told my wife that I don't want to argue in front of my child, but this is never honored. I feel that I am constantly trying to deflect or keep from saying the one wrong thing that will throw her into a rage. Then, if I do get frustrated and say the wrong thing, it escalates to where I am being "talked at" for many hours but am told that I am the one doing all the talking? My wife does not like my side of the family and avoids being with them at all costs, yet she says she is supporting and loving of them and that they do not support her? My wife is a bit older than me, so doing or being around any younger couple is always a "issue". Holidays are always hard as they seem to escalate the issues. My wife is seldom light and happy, she mostly complains or is critical of myself and daughter. I have asked my wife to go to counseling, however, this has never been agreed to. She says she does not have the time or energy to deal with it (however, she did with x husband). My wife can be very loving, her family means everything to her, she spends most of her time trying to make my daughters life just right. She does not work, she is always busy (not sure with what) and always seems rushed. I want things to be better, but can't ever really work on it with her. I never feel heard or listened to, if I have a different view point from her it is getting difficult to express because she then gets upset. I need some advice, I am getting tired of repeating the same old patterns day after day, week after week, year after year. I want to feel peace in my life again!


Title: Re: need advice
Post by: drained1996 on December 20, 2016, 02:08:17 PM
Hi Jeffery,

*welcome*

Your story is one that is very familiar around here.  You've found a place where those that have or are going through the same things have come together to share and learn with each other. 
One thing many of us have learned is that we cannot change them, but we can however change how we react to and communicate with them.  The tools and lessons in the right top margin of this page outline specific ways to do that.  Implementing a working knowledge of the illness and its nuances with these and other things you can learn here offer a chance to better your own situation. 
If you will take a look around at the stories of others, you will realize how similar many are to yours... .it helps to understand you are not alone in your struggles!  In that reading, I personally found much help in digesting others responses in those thread posts as there was a lot of helpful guidance and links to useful information.  I also found sharing to be very therapeutic, and I learned that the more I shared the more I got in return.  Feel free to share any thoughts, feeling, or questions anytime!  You've found the right place.  We are here to walk with you.   


Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Naughty Nibbler on December 20, 2016, 06:24:37 PM
Hi Jeffrey:    
I'd like to join Drained1966 in welcoming you:  

Quote from: Jeffery
I have asked my wife to go to counseling, however, this has never been agreed to. She says she does not have the time or energy to deal with it (however, she did with x husband).    
Have you ever spoken to her X, for his prospective on their failed relationship?  His side will likely differ from hers.  Sounds like she hasn't shared any history regarding her mental health.  Are you aware of or have you seen evidence of mental health/behavioral issues with other members of your wife's family?


Quote from: Jeffery
She does not work, she is always busy (not sure with what) and always seems rushed  
That could fit the description of someone who is a perfectionist, procrastinates and/or has difficulty making decisions.  People with these issues can tend to wait for the last minute to do things, relying on the last-minute pressure to force them to perform (gain the momentum to do certain things).

Quote from: Jeffery
Now that my daughter is older (15), she is starting to deal with the same issues I have for many years. One of the concerns I have is that my wife's BPD is going to have a negative impact on my daughter as I really don't know how it will impact her.    

Have you seen any pattern of behavior issues with your daughter?  Perhaps if some issues arise between your daughter and her mother, you might want to have your daughter join in on a counseling session or two.  Not from the prospective of learning about BPD (or that her mom may have it), but from the prospective of dealing with certain behaviors her mom may exhibit and how your daughter might process her feelings in that regard.

Some of the basic tools that Drained1966 mentioned are a good place to start learning some communication tools.  It can be helpful to study some of the tools like Validation, SET, JADE, etc. and discuss them in therapy sessions.  Practice sessions can be helpful.





Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Jeffery on December 21, 2016, 09:01:48 AM
Wow, amazing insight, especially the part about her being a perfectionist, difficulty making decisions and procrastinating. I think this is why it is ALWAYS so stressful when we travel, she feels behind or unorganized and then projects this out to myself and daughter, happens every time. The question is how do you respond to someone who starts blaming you for their issues. Can you believe it has taken 17 years for me to even realize this? I often take it personally, react, defend, then it can fuel the fire and next thing she is talking about other issues and the weekly comment of "this just is not working for me" is tossed out there. Things quickly explode and get out of control. My defense has been to say "sorry" (if I had a dollar for every "sorry" I would be a billionair!). I realize all I am trying to do is settle her down, it does not feel right to me to say it, or listen to her without being able to really respond or be heard. But I do it with the goal of just being able to move on as quickly as possible. This leaves me feeling bad since I end up repressing my feelings, anger, and resentment. All of this contributes to the disharmony in our relationship. As far as her X, I have never talked to him about his perspective. He is a really nice guy, gentle soul, and seemed to always be there for her. Through their divorce, they held to the highest standards for my step daughter. According to her, they grew apart because of his religion which she did not support. He is a very social guy, she tends to keep much more to herself with very few close friends. My daughter seems to be very strong, I am noticing that she will confront or question my wife about some of her actions now. I am just afraid that it could escalate now that she is a teen and that she will start to think it is "her" without realizing her mother has BPD. 


Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Naughty Nibbler on December 21, 2016, 11:30:08 AM
Hey Jeffery:

Quote from: Jeffery
Amazing insight, especially the part about her being a perfectionist, difficulty making decisions and procrastinating.   
A critical parent can be the root cause of this, or sometimes people with some level of ADD/ADHD can exhibit those issues.

People with strong BPD traits can take this to another level with SPLITTING.  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0) "All or nothing", all good or all bad.

It can be a tough behavior to modify, if she won't acknowledge the problem and have a desire to modify it.  Hopefully, you can balance out the messages your daughter gets and that she learns that it okay to sometimes make a mistake (learn from them) and that everything doesn't have to always be perfect, just "good enough for the situation" (perhaps, sometimes strive for perfection)
Quote from: Jeffery
  I often take it personally, react, defend, then it can fuel the fire and next thing she is talking about other issues and the weekly comment of "this just is not working for me" is tossed out there. 

The technique below can be helpful:
AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0)

Quote from: Jeffery
How do you respond to someone who starts blaming you for their issues.
The link below leads to some suggestions on how to stop the "blame game".

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=87204.0

Quote from: Jeffery
Through their divorce, they held to the highest standards. . .According to her, they grew apart because of his religion which she did not support. He is a very social guy, she tends to keep much more to herself with very few close friends.   
It seems to be a common situation for people with BPD traits or anxiety problems.  For some, it can be an issue with social anxiety.  It can be stressful for the perfectionist, who might think they have to measure up to the expectations of others (or care too much about what others think).

Quote from: Jeffery
  I am noticing that she will confront or question my wife about some of her actions now. I am just afraid that it could escalate now that she is a teen and that she will start to think it is "her" without realizing her mother has BPD. 

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE:
Learning about the drama triangle can be helpful with situations that involve you, your wife and your daughter.  Take note of what not to do and how to use the Caring/Winning Triangle.  There are a couple of links at the end of the article that will take you to a couple of discussion threads.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Check out some of the links and let us know what you think.  It can be helpful to take some of the information form the lessons and practice with your counselor.  Your counselor can help you navigate situations with your wife and daughter.  The combination of you personal research and reinforcement from the counselor, can be a winning combination.





Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Jeffery on December 21, 2016, 12:19:26 PM
Thank you so much for this feedback, I am quite grateful I signed up for this site and to really see other dealing with similar situations! I like the "stop accusing me and blaming me right now, stop it!" since I often do feel abused when she is talking "at me" for hours on end. Funny thing is, if I try to interject a comment, she claims I have been talking the entire time and cut her off. Or, when I try to express my feelings to her, she will then just be done and run off, seems she is not able to listen to my feelings without being threatened. Which is why I have stopped trying to express myself and resorted to listening to her, with the hope it will end soon so I can get on with what I was doing. It is a really crappy feeling when you can't express yourself or have a conversation, you feel helpless. My daughter will say to us, why are you fighting? Then my wife says, this is not a fight, we are just having a conversation-really? If I accidentally say the wrong thing, then she goes with it and things spiral, almost as if she was searching for this to grab onto (bait)? Once things do spiral, I have gotten into the habit of just listening, almost glazed over, essentially letting her abuse me because it sure is not a two sided conversation. So if I say "stop it", she will take that is a threat, I am quite sure of this. Then, it will escalate more, so if I want to work on all of this, I will need to take a "time out". I have done this in the past and it causes a weeks worth of anguish. Even if I say I am going to take a break and walk the dog around the block, she takes this as I am playing a power trip on her! She will tell my daughter that Daddy can't work things out and needs to leave, he is spineless or not up to working on the relationship. So the "time out" causes so much riff that I don't resort to it. But then again, If I commit to change, I realize things may need to get worse before they get better.


Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Naughty Nibbler on December 21, 2016, 01:13:27 PM
Quote from: Jeffery
So the "time out" causes so much riff that I don't resort to it. But then again, If I commit to change, I realize things may need to get worse before they get better. 

Setting boundaries and enforcing them is not easy.  You have to be consistent with enforcement.  Your daughter is likely able to discern which one of you is the problem.

BOUNDARIES (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0)

When your wife makes a statement such as this:
"She will tell my daughter that Daddy can't work things out and needs to leave, he is spineless or not up to working on the relationship."

You might try using an "I" statement (calmly):
When: You call me spinless, or say I can't work things out
I Feel (enter a feeling):  i.e. Angry (hopeless, etc.)
Because:  I've suggested counseling, but you won't participate.

The tutorials below might be helpful:

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message

www.compassioncoach.com/blog/when-use-i-statements

www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/i-statements


Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Jeffery on December 26, 2016, 04:03:18 PM
Thanks again for all of your advice, definitely helpful. We are coming off of a somewhat depressing Holiday, so it is good to feel like I am beginning to understand things more. One thought I have is that I am curious if a person with BPD will ever go to counseling? I ask since my wife has always told me that she is not willing to go to counseling because she does not have the time or energy to deal with it. This is a big issue to me, because I am not sure how things will improve if she ultimately refuses to see that she is (at least part) of the problem. I will continue to do everything I can, learn more, practice various strategies here, but not sure if it will be enough. Do you think that my changes in how I relate to her will potentially force her to alter her behavior? The other day, I came home from a trip and was talking to her from the airport about some difficult family dynamics she is having. I felt like I was dealing with it really well and was supportive. When I came home, she continued to voice her frustrations and then spin to the point where "I am not being supportive enough", don't love her, we might just not be a good fit", etc! I kept calm even though I felt like yelling at the top of my lungs, as she continued. I eventually realized that my "not feeding into it by becoming defensive" was upsetting to her. She took at as "I simply don't care because I am not being emotional enough". So then I am the unloving husband because I am not reacting enough and that is a threat to her. What are your thoughts on this?


Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Naughty Nibbler on December 26, 2016, 08:14:39 PM
Hi Jeffery: *)

Quote from: Jeffery
I am curious if a person with BPD will ever go to counseling? I ask since my wife has always told me that she is not willing to go to counseling because she does not have the time or energy to deal with it.   
You can't predict whether she will ever go to counseling.  Saying she doesn't have the time and energy to go, says that she doesn't want to devote time and energy into improving the relationship.   You may need to set a boundary to shut down her complaints, when she continues to try and blame you for problems with the relationship.

Quote from: Jeffery
So then I am the unloving husband because I am not reacting enough and that is a threat to her. What are your thoughts on this?   

You can't be responsible for her emotions.  Boundaries can be used to put a stop to her behavior, when she tries to blame you.  She won't like it, but if your stay consistent and firm with them, you might have some success.

US: The Dysfunctional Dance - Self-inflicted Wounds
You might find this Workshop information helpful, the entire workshop is at the link below.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=66672.0;all

Excerpts from the workshop are quoted below:

Quote from: Topic 1.24 - The Dysfunctional Dance - Self-Inflicted Wounds

US: The Dysfunctional Dance - Self-inflicted Wounds

Many of us are in oppressive relationships with our self esteem eroding... .what part of this "abuse" is self inflicted? How do we contribute to the dysfunctional dance?

One example... .

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. (info) says "we are being victims anytime we give another person the power to define our worth. We are being victims anytime we blame another for our feelings of fear, anger, hurt, aloneness, jealousy, disappointment, and so on."

Paul uses the following to exemplify her point... .

When I asked Don why he sits and listens to Joyce, he stated that he hoped if he listened to her she would listen to him. I asked if she ever does listen during these conflicts, and he answered "No."

"Why do you need her to listen to you?"

"I want to explain to her why I did what I did with the children."

"Why do you need to explain it to her?"

"So she won't be mad at me."

According to Dr. Paul, Don allows himself to be yelled at by Joyce as his way of trying to control Joyce, hoping to get her to approve of him. Then he tried to explain to further control how she feels about him. When she won't listen, he feels victimized by her yelling, blaming her for being such an angry, controlling person.

If Don were willing to take responsibility for approving of himself, he would not listen to Joyce when she was yelling at him. Instead, he would set a limit against being yelled at, stating that he would listen to her only when she spoke to him with respect and only when she was open to learning with him. But as long as she has to approve of him for him to feel secure or worthy, he will not set this limit. Until Don takes responsibility for his security and worth, instead of handing this job to Joyce, he will be a victim of her unloving behavior.

Taking responsibility for our own feelings of worth and lovability, instead of giving that job to others, moves us out from being victims.

. . . .With weak boundaries, we become sponges who allow our bps to step inside our inner self, suck up our energy, and define our world for us.
  We permit them to tell us what to do, when to do it, and who to do it with. With each passing day, our self esteem deteriorates, and our ability to defend ourselves decreases.   

Nons tend to be compassionate, giving, and sometimes needy people.  At some point in the relationship we might have recognized that our bps were in pain and out of control.  We were moved to give more of ourselves than was healthy. Or, we may have stepped in to take responsibility for their life. (Sometimes it's easier to deal with someone else's issues than it is to address our own.)  We either didn't know how (or were afraid) to set limits, or didn't know what our limits were.  So the dysfunctional dance began. 


Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Jeffery on January 02, 2017, 01:25:10 PM
Great, thanks for all that information, it is all very helpful. I get the boundary thing, but it seems so much easier said than done. For example, this past week we visited my wife's family, her mother recently had surgery and is really not capable of taking care of herself anymore. We spent two days visiting assisted living facilities and discussing options with her siblings. We changed plans from visiting my family to driving a 1000 plus miles to see her family. My daughter accompanied us on all of this, not quite the vacation she was hoping for. After a few days, we made our way to our cabin and had a couple days to ourselves, which was much needed given some of the stresses from the visit. One evening, I was showing my daughter a article about the founder of snapchat, she was curious about him and the differences between a private company and public company. As I was explaining this, my wife stormed into the room and said that I should not be promoting social media to my daughter. I tried to explain that this is not what I was doing and that I would agree that snapchat is not a positive platform for kids. But, she did not really hear me and continued to blast me for doing this, promoting social media. My daughter was taken back too, it was so obvious she was completely out of line. So now she says something to her, like "Mom, what the heck, Dad was just showing me an article". Next thing, I am the horrible dad who turns my daughter on her, us against her! So now it is 11:00 at night, we are all exhausted and I just want rest. So, she demands we go into the lower level to discuss more. At this point, the "I am not sure we are suited for each other" and "you don't love me" comments come out. I sit and listen, not because I want to take any abuse, but because I want this to end and get some rest. I lie by telling her I understand I was out of line. She finally calms down and we all go to sleep. I sleep like crap because I repressed my feelings, I feel she is so wrong, but I can't express myself to her. This, I think, is the crux of all of this for me. I feel stuck because I can't discuss my feelings without her blowing up or exasperating the situation. I hold it inside, feeling maybe I am to blame? But deep inside I know I am not, she is sick and needs help. I have set boundaries in the past, but things just totally blow up when I do. If I say "stop, I will not listen anymore", the ___ hits the fan. My main concern then is that I don't want my daughter to have to deal with this, she deserves a better family life. So, instead of setting a boundary, I listen in the hope that it fades away, keep things as quiet as possible, take the blame and move on. I think in all of this, I am realizing I am trying to protect my daughter more than anything.  Any advice?


Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Naughty Nibbler on January 02, 2017, 06:10:00 PM
Jeffery:   *)
Don't give up.  It takes some practice.  Like with a fitness effort, the phrase, "no pain, no gain" can apply.  It will likely get worse before it gets better, you just have to hang in there.  It could be helpful for you to read and gain an understanding of extinction bursts.

EXTINCTION BURSTS:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

Quote from: Jeffery
So, she demands we go into the lower level to discuss more. At this point, the "I am not sure we are suited for each other" and "you don't love me" comments come out. I sit and listen, not because I want to take any abuse, but because I want this to end and get some rest. I lie by telling her I understand I was out of line. She finally calms down and we all go to sleep. I sleep like crap because I repressed my feelings
It is important that you are consistent, each and every time.  You can't lie and agree that you are out of line, if you aren't.  

You must shut down her comments of, "you don't love me" and "we aren't suited for each other".  Sounds like she uses this every time there is a disagreement.  You need to tell her something like, "I love you, but that doesn't mean we have to agree on everything, I won't discuss _____ any further". You might need to plan on sleeping on the couch, or in a spare room, until she recovers.  

When you validate the invalid (saying you were out of line, when you weren't), you reinforce and perpetuate her behavior.  If you aren't seeing your counselor right now, it might be helpful to go back for a few sessions to give you some extra support to tackle this issue head on.  Perhaps, you could do some role playing with your counselor, to help you get used to enforcing this boundary.  

Quote from: Jeffery
My daughter was taken back too, it was so obvious she was completely out of line. So now she says something to her, like "Mom, what the heck, Dad was just showing me an article". Next thing, I am the horrible dad who turns my daughter on her, us against her!  
This can be an opportunity for a private, after-the-fact teachable moment with your daughter.  You don't want to degrade your wife to you daughter, but it could be an opportunity to teach you daughter to avoid circular arguments (don't JADE) with her mom.

Your daughter is discovering her mom's problem.  Without mentioning BPD, just coach you daughter to NOT argue with her mom.  Just take her aside, when you can arrange a private moment with her (without your wife being around).  Revisit the dialog you had and suggest not JADEing.  It is a strategy that will help develop her emotional intelligence.  Perhaps, you could copy and past some dialog from the article here on Avoiding Circular Arguments (don't JADE), into something like a Word document or perhaps an email to yourself. You don't want to tip any cards regarding this website, but sharing some printed excerpts could be helpful, during a discussion.

Don't give up.  You just had a practice session that didn't go right.  You were at the cabin, and you daughter joined the conflict.  Just dust yourself off, think through some practice dialog, then just do it.  Plan on taking some heat and what you will do while she cools off.




Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Jeffery on January 03, 2017, 10:10:27 AM
great, thanks again for some super advice. I would agree on seeing my counselor again, he is very good and am sure will be able to help me initiate some changes. unfortunately (or fortunately) I was able to put some of this to practice this morning, it wasn't easy. it started with a simple discussion about how overbooked our daughter is, my wife does not want her to join the track team. to make a long story short, I stated that I would support our daughter should she decide to participate in track. that was the trigger, and next thing I know, we are back to "you don't support me", "I am depressed and struggling", "we don't have a life", etc, etc... .She then mocked me and started talking at me, in which my response was, "sorry, I am not going to be mocked or part of a discussion which is not respectful". I then went in the kitchen to make a egg, she then pushed me out of the way and turned the burner off, stating I can't do this to her (shut her out). I told her again, I am not trying to shut you out, but we need to change our patterns, during the new year I will no longer be in a discussion which is not respectful. I am again met with, "you can't do this to me, you are cold hearted and mean, you obviously don't care about me or this relationship". And, told me I am simply on a power trip to set a boundary. we eventually regrouped and continued the discussion. she told me I treated her terribly, and I asked what specifically I did? she could not come up with anything other than "your wall went up". so this wall thing has been an issue for many years, but I again told her we need to change our patterns and that I am not going to be in conversations which are not respectful. when I left the house, she was not talking to me but I told her I care about our relationship and hope we can make some positive changes, then left. this is definitely two steps back, hopefully one step forward. I hope I am on the right track. thanks


Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Naughty Nibbler on January 03, 2017, 09:27:16 PM
Jeffery:
Good Job  |iiii 

Just keep doing more of the same, and don't waiver, even once.  It's going to be stressful for you for awhile, but this is the only way you can hope to alter her behavior and gain some respect.   |iiii


Title: Re: need advice
Post by: shoshotmedic on January 04, 2017, 12:49:01 AM
I can most certainly understand and relate to your position. I am reading a book called I hate You - Don't Leave Me as suggested by a military Doc. I just started Ch 7, and so far it is SPOT on.

I am following the rules outlined by the author (S.E.T. - UP) and understand that it is a marathon, not a sprint. Furthermore, I am becoming increasingly self-aware which dealing with my wife's issues has forced me to confront.

I would add fuel to the fire by acting out and being disrespectful right back because I need the feeling of being valued and respected by those closest to me (my own PTSD/Adjustment disorder) and BPD traits exhibit little to zero empathy. I had to learn more about myself which in turn I have learned to cope with the side effects (which compound and play into my own negative feelings of being a failure, worthless, or she's not worth it let other men deal with it, etc) of trying to make a relationship with BPD traits work.

Consistency and perseverance if you want it to work.


Title: Re: need advice
Post by: Jeffery on January 04, 2017, 09:51:59 AM
agreed, but this is so hard! last night, I again stated my position that I will not engage in the conversation when she is being disrespectful. of course, she feels that my position is being as disrespectful as one can possibly be. after a couple of tries (of a respectful conversation), I told her I needed to get some sleep and would go in the back room. I also told her I would appreciate her not waking me up in the middle of the night. well, about 1:00 am, she barged in the room, woke me up, and raised her voice so our daughter would hear her (she knows this hurts me). I again told her, I can't do this, I had nowhere to go so I had to grab my coat and head out in negative degree temps and drive around. when I returned, I went back in the room and was not woken up again, thank god! this morning we had another conversation, I told her that in the new year I can't participate in conversations which are disrespectful, that I love her and my intentions are that we can work towards a healthy relationship. she can't seem to understand any of this, it is all taken as me being on a powertrip, losing it, and not being there for her. that said, she did not talk at me or raise her voice, it was a little better. this is hard, I feel it is really hurting her, but I also realize it is what needs to be done if we have any chance of improving our situation.


Title: Re: need advice
Post by: drained1996 on January 04, 2017, 10:37:16 AM
Consistency and time will be your friend.  It'll get more comfortable for you as you continue... .like making a new good habit... .and the boundaries you are setting will begin to sink in for her... .if you continue to enforce them.  Remain kind, compassionate and validating when possible.
Be compassionate with yourself as well.  The circumstances you are facing would be difficult for anyone to deal with, so don't expect yourself to be perfect.  We are here to walk with you... .and you're doing very well walking on your own right now!   |iiii