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Hello, I am a female who has been married to another female for four years and together for ten. We share three teenagers together (from my previous relationship) and she has been there most of their lives. We have had our share of ups and downs. Her moods have been erratic for years, she has been unfaithful before. I have always felt insecure because of her excessive flirting in between trying to get over the cheating. She feels no empathy when she hurts my feelings. She smokes weed, drinks a lot (when she drinks), drives recklessly, you name it. She has low self- esteem. Everyone she meets that she is interested in (friend or lover) she morphs into who she believes will "capture them".
Im not saying she is a horribly person, she has good qualities too... .which is why I married her. She LOVES our children. She is a good mom to them. I have made my fair share of mistakes too. I thought we were finally on track and then BOOM... .She meets a girl at work. A girl who she now believes she is madly in love with. Now I am the enemy, everything I do is wrong. She lies to me about going to work. She believes that she loves me (she says), but she doesn't want to be married to me. She is hostile, blaming me for her infidelity. I am trying to hold on, I know she is sick, But I don't know what to do!
My daughter heard her today talking about her plan to want to leave us, lying to the new object of her affection about particulars of our life together (excluding me from stories, telling this girl her grandparents do not know we are together). IS THIS NORMAL FOR BPD and what do I do to help her? I know I cannot help someone who doesn't want help. But I am trying to find out how to deal rationally with an irrational person, save my marriage and possibly help her save herself.
Any advice welcomed!
Thank you!

Hi hopplesslyinBPD, 

*welcome*

I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're going throughput this, from what you're sharing with me hear, she's splitting if she has  bpdfamily, splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that protects against anxiety and stress, a pwBPD don't see people as an integrated whole.

Good people have bad qualities and bad people have good qualities. She's seeing you as all bad for now, there's also triangulation. When there's a lot of stress between two people in a r/s sometimes a partner will seek out a third person ( it doesn't always relate to another person, sometimes it can be working long hours at work to avoid the other person) to alleviate that pressure.

Your post strikes similarities with my story, I had a lot of conflict with my ex wife because it was an erratic r/s and I didn't understand why she was acting the way that she was, I triggered her fear of abandonment and she immediately started to see another man in our marriage. It wasn't that straight forward, there other elements to the demise of our marriage, for example she wasn't returning to her emotional baseline, if she was, sh wasn't there for very long, so instead of working on the marriage she started an affair.

That being said, I suggest to read as much a you can about BPD, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. It helps to talk to people that van relate with you and offer you guidance and support. I'm glad that you decided to join us 

Thank you for the response. She is very angry with me. Refuses to stop seeing  the other person. Acts like they're a drug to her. We don't spend time together because after a day of talking to the other person she is tired. She hangs up on me to talk to the other person. She will tell me she's leaving yet says she's staying until I finish school. This is all while making me feel like I'm going crazy too. She won't get help. She has been a victim of trauma in her teens, possible family history with a distant mother. I'm at a loss. I love her so much.

That's tough hopelesslyinBPD. I recall being left taking care of the ki by myself often so my ex wife could go out with her. I don't know about your wife but its that indifference that's painful. She'd blame me too if I asked her why she was going with friends with makeup on. I can relate with feeling like you're going crazy. Talking to people here will help you.

When are you done school? I get the feeling that your wife and the other person are not ready to be together, I that could be why your wife doesn't want to leave yet. What do you think?

I don't finish for another year and a half. I think she is afraid of being alone. Unsure of her yet not trusting me. I'm just about tired of being nice.

Fear of aloness is a core criterion for BPD, have you set limits with her in the past? If so, what happened?

I didn't know about this before. So this is new. What instances are limits set and how?