BPDFamily.com

If you follow my story,
my uBPD/NPDexgfs'  EX friend and I met sometime last month to share information in regards to my Exgf. This resolved some confusion on both our parts etc.

Unfortunately I checked my exes twitter again and read she is having a wonderful sex life with her gf. It really got to me. I was reminded though that at least my ex didn't lie to me that she would never love her friend back / the one that was triangulated when things were rocky between us.

I wished her luck. I told her that her ex friend told me about her new gf. I told her  I missed loving her but this is for the best for us.

My ex thanked me.
She basically said

"Yes, I have found the right one. Finally. I never thought it could be possible to be honest but it happened. I don't regret our relationship. I still have happy memories. And you were so hot. Hotter than my ex friend"


If I overanalyse what she said (or maybe im not) then I was only 'love' by her cos of shallow reasons. I feel crushed. They declared their love for each other in August and we broke up sometime between the months of June/July.
They've been travelling a lot and  it just seems all amazing and happy on her side whereas I continue to grieve.

She is happy to stay connected as friends but reminds me that I cant have her "on tap" anymore. That she is happily committed to this new gf and this is it.

I don't know where I'm getting at. I want to feel better. Her replying positively makes me think did she ever have BPD/NPD in the first place? Whatever she has, I shouldn't forget the bad that was in our relationship too. I don't know. That feeling that I was wrong and just didn't know how to make her happy. That somebody else can make it work with her better especially that they have a lot of $$.
I need to keep trying to dettach. I am kidding myself to think that the reason she kept my contact was because she wasnt over me completely or afraid to risk losing me. I shouldnt care. I havent stopped hurting myself. I know better.

Am I fool to think she really found the one and got really lucky? It has nothing to do with me anymore, I know but it still hurts that shes fallen inlove with someone else and truly moved on.

A fool?  No. But don't think for a second that she's found "the one". Sure, she's found "the one for the moment". That will not last. I promise. I found myself in the same boat with my ex who left me for a co worker of ours. Yes, we all still work together and that's been an absolute joy   

Anyway, during the honeymoon phase, they were all about each other. They walked by my office door often bragging about the awesome amount of sex they had experienced the night before. She had told me he was my replacement because she felt she didn't deserve me and all sorts of other confusing things to me only to turn around and do that sort of stuff to me. It was very hurtful. She currently lives with my "replacement" and they have been together a year.

So how do I know she hasn't found the one you may be asking by now... .well, that's easy. She's BPD for one thing. For another, she's trying to have a tryst with me because she's "still head over heels in love with me" (her exact words).

Your ex hasn't found the one. Trust me. She's just found the one that'll put up with the abuse... .for now.

Oh I am sorry that really sucks that you work with her. How far are you with your healing you think? That's a difficult situation to be in.

See with the ex friend that my exgf triangulated with me 6 or so months ago wasn't very attractive for lack of a better description so I could understand why she was still lusting over me and wanted to have me on the side which she was looking for another replacement - apart from the friend.

This new person just sounds like such a catch you know? I don't know what she looks like. She is going to help my ex with stuff like job interviews and her resume. Shes got a great job etc. and they've shared bank accounts already and they're just become so close so fast.  I'm thinking to myself, no wonder my ex picked her. Theres a lot to idealise right now and she isn't very good at finding jobs and here is a person that can really support her financially and career-wise.
But all this outside stuff probably won't change a thing. If this girl doesn't flee soon then it just means she's ok with putting up with abuse. I imagine the girl getting really attached because my ex and her have been travelling to so many different places, its really like they are having their honeymoon. So many holidays. So much lovebombing.

For sure there will be arguments along the way and such which will make my exes reactions/behaviours more obvious as time passes. The whole difficulty with compromising and the fact that she can never say sorry.

They've been online chatting since August but met up finally in October and then moved in together at the beginning of November... So based on that I am just going to count it as a 1 month into the relationship since theyve just moved in together.

My ex hasn't painted me black. We are on good terms atm and I am on her friendslist on an alternative messenger type account (so only messaging, not really seeing any pictures etc.) She is encouraging me to meet new people and yeah nothing bad to say about me but thanks for all the happy memories. Shes not currently out to hurt me or make me feel bad like she used to but more like a lot of encouragement to give others more of a chance to 'charm' me.  Explained to her how I just havent been that interested in my dates so far.

Declaring love to this new girl after a month of our last break up. Shes seems so certain this is the perfect one for her and it just happened she just got lucky... etc. but you're right, I need to remember they are still in the honeymoon period. I need to stop comparing myself to the replacement. Once I graduate perhaps I will feel better about my sitution but I should feel better about myself right now. I should be loved for who I am not just what I have and that is my guess for why she likes this new person too. For the financial security. I could be entirely wrong and just being a little bitter and insecure in that way but yeah... .it doesn't really matter why she chose her.

She fell out of love so quickly and then fell in love again just like that.

Honest question. How realistically can you fall in love with someone in a month? Guess what, my ex and I declared our love for each other after a month BUT now I realise how silly that was. I was in love with being idolised. I actually knew very little about my ex, her past and all her little nuances that would actually determine whether we are compatible in the "forever" sense.

And guess what, in my delirium I overlooked and blaintantly ignored glaring holes in her story and the fact that her words never quite matched her actions.

Four years into our relationship I was comfortable (despite a lot of crazy) and I was looking forward, and only finally starting to develop that deep, deep connection-style bond that allows couples to stay married forever.

Guess what, her love for me was like a sparkler, it hit four years and fizzled out. devaluation hit and all hell broke loose. I truly realised this person who had parroted my aspirations wanted nothing to do with them (or me) and I was quickly replaced.

Don't buy into eternal love after 30 days, I don't buy into it after 365, trust in your opinions and your wisdom. You are on here for a reason.

Perhaps (because it is the holidays) you try and enforce a period of NC, use this time to focus on other friendships and family, it's possible you are experiencing FOG.

Regardless, have a safe and happy holidays :)

Thanks Ahoy, happy holidays to you too.

Realistically I think it's impossible! It's insane! It's unhealthy. You need time to dettach.

I think I declared my love for her after 3-4months. That's still pretty early to be honest. The idolisation phase feels really nice, doesn't it? I felt like her 'hero' She was so happy. I loved feeling appreciated and like she was grateful to have me no matter what I did. There was no judgement, just the feeling of total acceptance. That's what made it seem perfect. The "unconditional" attention/love that was shown to me for a brief period.
Especially that I didn't have a lot of money etc. I just felt that maybe I was truly appreciated for who I am. That me having no money had me feeling safe or higher chance I'd have an authentic genuine kind of love with someone... haha boy was I WRONG.

So out of nowhere it just fizzled out? Im guessing that you had more than one idealisation stage? or was it more, the first year and then the rest of the years sucked? 4 years of idealisation if thats what you meant seems uncommon so that's pretty interesting. Do you know how long your exes relationships normally last?

Mine says merely weeks to 3 months on average. Sometimes longer but has never had a year long relationship so far. I don't know why I feel like that could change for the new girl though. Maybe thats just me comparing myself and how I am a broke student and putting myself down in a way. I still think that the new girl has a lot to offer that I can't and can see why she is sought after right now. My ex has me almost convinced that this is truly the one that will work out for her. They are apparently working in the same field and have the same kind of hobbies and skills. This person with all that financial stability, helping her get a job, them travelling the world, them having loads of stuff will increase the amount of months/years of them being together. Even if I'm right and they go 1+ years together and this girl breaks my record of longest person my exgf has ever been with, it all ends the same destructive way.

I remember thinking that her ex friend and her had more in common and that was the advantage the ex friend had over me. When my ex was trying to mess with me I was getting insecure that I was no longer interesting to my exgf since we didnt share the same interests but I was wrong. Losing a 'close' friend... her best friend forever... was not a loss for her either, especially that my ex is in a new relationship she couldn't care less about her. And it's interesting because I really thought that them having more in common (for us it was more chemistry and the physical sides than same hobbies) meant they had a closer bond but looks like she didn't seem to care that she lost another friend.

My ex also still didn't apologise for messing with my head with the whole triangulation thing with the friend. I told her I understood why she did it. She felt hurt by me a time where I had second thoughts about her and it was payback to her. Of course she couldn't apologise to me. She didn't feel she was in the wrong at all. She felt entitled to do so and clearly that isn't something you do to someone you love. She didn't deny what she did or gaslight or defend, she just didn't say sorry for it or was concerned for the impact it had on me. My guess is she liked that it did. It's positive for her rather than to empathise with me. I am sure there is something wrong with the inability to ever say sorry. She just picked out what she wanted to hear from me that was appealing to her and replied accoringly mentioning a short thank you and that she is happy and all that stuff I shared already about finding the right person... ."finally" as she put it.

I dont post much here anymore. I still read alot of post but im so far out my relationship with my exBPDgf that now its just a bad memory. But your post took me back to the beginning of mine. In the early stages when she and I was talking about ourselves and are past relationships good ones and failed ones, I remember mine telling about " the ones" all four five relationships prior to me was " the one" and of course I also became " the one" and after me the guy she is with, is of course " the one" So i wouldnt put alot into the fact about " the one"

hi Curiously1,

i think of it this way:

my exes are pretty much all married with children, and im not. is that their success and my failure? i dont see it that way.

i was a better version of myself, brought new things id learned to each subsequent relationship (impossible for me to know about my exes but ill assume as much for them as well).

their relationship will be different than yours. better? worse? who can say. i dont think it has any bearing on you either way.

my ex broke up with me. ultimately (not even close to over night) i came to see that our relationship did not work and ended for good reason. i rest comfortably with the knowledge of that.

who broke up with who in your relationship? are you having regrets?

It's been a long time since I posted last here, but like mitchell16 this took me back too to the early days of my relationship with my exBPDgf.

So, mine declared her love for a guy she had just met at the time too. I knew the guy, we'd had some college classes together. She didn't know him from "adam" previously. But when she found him, she was sure to let me know how much better he was than I was. Of course, I was sort of reeling, but I didn't grovel much. I was already pretty worn out with her shenanigans by the time she met him, I just decided to let her go. She made sure to flaunt the relationship at all of our old haunts when I would be present too. It hurt, but as I came to find out, it only hurt because I was hurting for different reasons that my relationship with her represented and gave me false illusions toward.

Letting her go was easy, because after a couple of months with Mr. Perfect she moved a long ways away. I had intermittent communication with her prior, in the early stages of her relationship with Mr. Perfect, but I never once asked her to come back. I just continued to pose the question, "... .are you sure he's right for you?" Which she assured me he was "the one." So, when she moved, I decided it was a perfect time to go NC and held to that conviction ever since.

So, what happened?

Mr. Perfect eventually followed her to her new location. They got married, have kids now in college and it appears she's got the life she always wanted. How do I know this? Well, a few years ago, I started getting xmas cards sent to my house. I read the first one or two, now I don't and they don't come regularly anymore either. We've been apart for almost 30 years now.

So, what does that tell you?

Sure, someone with BPD can go make a life for themselves with someone and develop a seemingly perfect relationship with another individual, but why would she care about me? It's okay to care about past loved ones, but to my mind's eye, I think it is a whole lot more normal to just sort of look at it as in the past. For me the painful past. If she has feelings now and again, that's okay too. I certainly do, but there's too much distance now for anything new to emerge.

Do I resent the Mr. Perfect? Heck no, she was screwed up when I met her. If he can tolerate that, then he's got issues of his own to resolve. If he made life great for the two of them, then we should all be happy. I don't wish any failure upon anyone. They're success in staying together for nearly 30 years should be celebrated, not condemned. All I really know is she was never the "right" person for me, even though at the time I would have fought vehemently to prove anyone otherwise at the time.

I asked a family member once years ago what they thought about if I would have been okay getting married to her or not. The response was, "Heavens no! If you'd have married that person, you'd likely would be dead today." This person knew particularly well the pain I this person caused me and about most of her abusive behaviors while we were together.

Remember, nothing changes with these people. The inconsistent behavior is still likely there. The triangulation with other, I suspect in this case is present (e.g. xmas letter sent to former bfs, etc.). Just because two people are married and appear to have a wonderful life, doesn't mean that behind closed doors things are a disaster. Don't be fooled by pictures, Facebook posts, etc.

Let it go. Work on yourself and find someone that really truly knows how and wants to love you.

She broke up with me overnight because I reminded her of the sleepless nights she endured when I brought up something that was concerning me and called it a dealbreaker. She normally doesnt breakup and comes back. I had the silent treatment for a week if you recall then asked her on messenger if we're still ok. She said sorry its over and how felt guilty but that I will never change for her. As in shes had enough of me bringing up my current concerns. I had a feeling she was talking to someone new to be able function without me. Typically it is push/pull, makeup with kisses or sex but without any improvement on her part after things are discussed.

Contacting her again just reaffirmed why things could not last with us and it's all the 'what could be' potentials in my head - which I  now know she has little to no capacity for.

My only regret is that I didn't end the relationship sooner when I was having second thoughts which was right at the beginning. It was constantly at the back of my mind when I was with her. 

I did emotionally cheat on her because I felt like I wasn't getting enough from her. She lacked the emotional depth, self reflection and understanding I wanted. I was truly convinced she could not survive without me and the way she presented I wasnt sure how shed cope being alone. After the emotional attachment got stronger overtime (even though I knew I deserved more), I found it hard to leave because of FOG. I couldn't break up with her no matter how emotionally painful and unappealing it was to be with her not really feeling like she is right for me. I always thought about leaving and yet I feel like the most emotionally wrecked by the end of it ... .funny enough. So I did fall for her despite many of the most undesirable qualities she had. My excuse each time was... consider that everyone has flaws and this girl seems to love you to death more than anyone has despite of her obvious issues.

I am feeling emotionally drained at the moment just after that interaction and she didn't do much but remind me of this consistent hopeless feeling I used to have when I wanted to get through to her.

I know what we had was shallow for most regular non disordered people but deep down I feel like she needs someone to still care about her unconditionally. I am at a crossroads here thinking somehow itll work as long as Im just now a chatbox on a screen or we arent always in close physical contact. 

A part of me is still stubborn to keep her as a contact to see her rise and fall and that I am right about who she really is and how incapable she is no matter who the person or circumstance. Its a way to validate me I guess. Another part of me still wants to be concerned about her at a distance, hoping that loving her or showing care for her this way is the actual way to be closest to her.  Any thoughts on this?

I'm soft when it comes to knowing about her upbringing and how she lost her mother etc. She wants someone to care for her but to an unhealthy extent. I think she's into ageplay too. She really wants to be a child and have the partner act more like the mother she lost. I notice she switches roles as well. If she isnt playing the helpless child then she acting abusive knowitall and then youre called immature. My guess for not experiencing much of my exes darkest sides was because staying mostly the helpless child worked better on me... and the overtly sadistic persona  worked well on the ex friend. No idea why she got real bad with her. What I do know is being her primary person or romantic monogamous partner in her life is just not going to be that emotionally satisfying for me.

If she really is full blown NPD/BPD she will not be able to notice much of the care and love I have for her no matter how much I give and give and give. That hope that I can make her a little more well still sticks to me
If she really isnt a PD maybe she can change or get better.

We wont ever see each other again since shes moved interstate to be with the new person and who knows for how long this new relationship will last. I know this is a part of my addiction to her. Wanting to still check in with her now and again. I need to stop acting like as if my life is always tied to her but I need someone to convince me why I even thought about doing this to  myself.

I think im still doing fine. I am functioning well. Ive been completely dedicated in taking good care of my body and eating well and exercising. It shouldnt come off as a surprise anymore how much healthier I look without her and people asking about what I do to have nice skin etc. Im happy and greatful for the friends I have made since our break up and who I probably wouldn't have if I were still in that unsatisfying r/s with her.

We do not really talk on Skype. She just replied to my goodluck in her new relationship message. I dont think shell intiate chatting with me and I dont really have anything more to say or share with her either. She replied I think because she wanted the goss about her ex friend who she had a falling out with and who was also the one who told me about her new relationship. Ex told me she can't be there to always reply to my messages like she used to but she will when she has the time. But I think I got all the information I need for closure. That unsatisfying feeling I get each time I interact with her reminds me of how much I sacrificed myself to convince myself to be ok with that level of connection.

So yeah, messaging her again reminded me of what I didn't like about her. Not being acknowledged or considering my feelings for what she caused. She doesn't know what she lost. She only thinks I'm 'hot' it seems. Thats not good enough to be with someone imo.

I really should let it all go.
If we stayed together forever I would probably get really sick or resent her. I proposed an open relationship with her at one stage because of how much I felt was missing in the r/s. That didnt work out. She got jealous, and more of the unworthy feeling crept up no matter how much attention I paid her. I made her feel horrible in that sense.

I am happy that she is happy actually. If shes Miss perfect then at least she wont be sad about how she felt unworthy of me anymore. That maybe this person actually really really likes her from the start whereas I didnt like her at the start but somehow now that I am here and had suffered emotionally yes I actually grew attached and feel love for her. I'm just having some sad feelings because each time she interacts with me its not the level I wanted and craved for. We were not a true match in regards to empathy and understanding people but she was incredibly bright intellectually speaking and that was most appealing to me. Learning things. When she said she wasnt enough for me, she was right for the most part. I would feel guilt that I wasn't 100% satisfied with her and convince myself that I could be... since I loved how much I learned from her in a range of subjects. I don't really like dropping people. Maybe just keeping her as contact but not really putting the effort to maintain the friendship,... and if she doesnt initiate much is my way of feeling like I never abandoned her. I feel guilt. I feel like I should have let her go before things got too deep. I knew she wasnt right for me, I always thought about leaving but I fell for her anyway.

I wonder how many the ones she is going to have. I am convinced this one is "the one" to be kept for longer  because shes graduated, has a good job, they can travel to places etc. etc. sounds promising and like a lot of fun for my exgf. She does seem like a good catch though. Seems like a kind and understanding person helping my ex out with her resume and steps to being a responsible adult etc. I was seen as perfect until I triggered  my exes abandonment. I think it all started with proposing an open relationship and she was afraid Ill love somebody else which is a reasonable fear. I truly wasnt satisfied and guilty that I wasnt. Never met any of my exgfs exes so I dont know how things ended with them. If it truly is a cycle then it will most likely end... its either that or its that most people thus far got sick and tired of her after time because never takes responsibility for anything. I feel like Im the person who has hurt her the most.

Curiously1,

You sound like you have your head pretty well together about where you are now and this past relationship. What I find interesting in your post's is that you had some initial reservations about this person in the beginnng, but went ahead anyway with a stab at a relationship with her. That's likely where you need t explore yourself further. There was a "feeling" you had, but you didn't take notice or diminished it for some reason by moving forward anyhow.

This is familiar territory for me as well. I missed my own signals and proceeded without caution as well. Heck, there was a tim in mine that I thought I MUST leave for good and set about doing the whole break up thing, only to get suckered int staying because she guilted me saying I was like all the rest, qitting on her and leaving her. So, I stayed numerous times like this with her, only to have her run off with Mr. Perfect at her first chance.

As I said before, it hurt to watch her runoff with this other guy, but it also felt good that by doing this, it gave me the perfect timing and control to go NC for good. Our relationship troubles were always about me trying to wrest a small portion of control (because my infatuation and crush type feelings I always was n a "one down" position), by forcing the termination I finally proved to myself again that I had enough self respect to leave and leave for good, wishing her well in the process.

Good for her if she's got the great wonderful life she always was set about to get, but shame on her for the price she extracted (likely is still extracting from Mr. Perfect) from me and others getting there.

If she has BPD/NPD the cycle will always repeat. Think of how things went throughout your relationship, do you really think that it will change with someone else? Even if someone stays with a PWBPD and continually tries to do what ever they can to please their partner (to the point of loosing themselves completely), it always gets worse and inevitably fails because the closer you get, the more you are pushed away.
The only chance for a healthy enough relationship for BOTH partners is if there is commitment to years of therapy by the PWBPD, and their partner commits to sacrificing their needs and managing the relationship.
Continuing contact is only causing you more pain. Take care of yourself.

Her sad life story was what kept me around longer... almost felt like I was doing something against my own best interest. She truly acted like a helpless child and I didn't want to abandon her. I also have trouble rejecting people but now I've learnt its ok to hurt others feelings and to not want someone back. I know its weird that I had trouble doing so earlier. I wasn't sure what to do with her (she wasnt particularly my type) however didn't want to be like the rest of the people who left her behind too. I didn't want her to feel unloved so I made it work. I told myself I wasnt shallow (since she wasnt my type) and that she is a lovely kind person it seems. I started liking her personality and falling for her and then things got ___ty after some time.

I do feel less guilty now that she is with another person. Like a huge weight has been lifted off me and she's someone elses main problem... once she begins showing more of her less desirable qualities. Regret for not breaking it off sooner but guilt for not thinking she was good enough. I spotted many many red flags right away though but dismissed them has her being "naive" type person and just needy and lonely. That's another reason why I thought it was ok to give it a chance. She just had a huge crush on me and I guess a side of me liked how much she needed me. One thing though is that even though there was stuff she would say I thought were inappropriate Id always think hey well at least shes being honest with me. It takes vulnerability to do so etc. But now I know better. Healthier people open up about certain personal issues later on or try to carry their own weight as much as they can. Not early on as a way of trying to get sympathy and attention. I didn't really know about BPD/NPD and how much the disorder could hurt and impact me once it we were over.

Just been browing old threads about peoples worries about their BPD working out with the new partner. Coming from children with disordered parents, they confirm how miserable their BPD parent is no matter what you do... .and they believe that they themselves and their nondisordered parent were deprived of love and understanding they deserve too. Who wants to be with someone who can never truly be happy and gives everyone around them such a hard time. It's starting to sound really unappealing to me, that they are best avoided romantically and its just sad.

I wasn't the most secure person going into this relationship but I try and remind myself that I am allowed to make mistakes. Being with her meant to try and be perfect but nobody is so there will always be something that the BPD will find to put all the blame on you etc. She had an unrealistic expectation to receive only "postive feelings" from me no matter what she did.

I am honestly just sick and tired of thinking about her and how much time I've spent trying to find a solution to her happiness and wellbeing. Sometimes I am convinced the pain she cause me has completely left me and I'm fully healed because I dont feel much for her like I used to or desire to rekindle things ever again but some days I'm reminded of something she did and I question how far I am in my healing as it still gets to me. But then I think, nah it's ok, its fine to have this now little bitsy pain now and again. Soon it will all stop. When I think about something really positive that I missed about her it's more I think to do with wishing to experience that with someone else again but in a more healthy way. I'll stop thinking that shes the only one I could feel this much love and devotion for. I think I'm starting to feel indifferent in regards to wanting to get back together romantically. I want to stay away from the torturous cycle that will still be a constant in her life most probably... unless this new person really sucks it up.

The fact that our last text message was pleasant and she told me she still has postive memories and doesn't regret being with me at least reminds me that she did feel loved by me. Thats enough for me to know. Even if that is her moment thing to tell me and changes how felt about our relationship again I am holding onto what she just told me as the truth. Its good she has kept some good memories. I thought she completely forgot them. She didnt mention any particular memory but doesnt matter. Whats painful or I guess more sad is that I loved a girl that just doesnt have the real capacity for what I am really after to be satisfied but shes no longer with me so I don't need to compromise anymore.

Just because she doesnt have the capacity to love normally doesnt mean she shouldnt deserve it for someone who could make it work though. Unforunately they will be miserable though or can never make her happy. I realise that nobody can really. Its just impossible and she needs to find it within herself and right now she hasnt chosen therapy. Even if she wanted to change and decided to get therapy while with the new partner, doesnt still guarantee much change. She gave me closure I think. Shes on my good side now.

Feel good about what you were able to give this person, of yourself, which was love and caring in a time that must have been difficult for them. If you have issues with guilt concentrate on why you thought that gift f love from you was conditional (expecting something in return).

It sounds as if you did many nice things for this person and if there were issues on your part, give yourself some absolution as nobody is perfect.

We're all here for only a short tme, each vessels of our own experience's trying to manage the best we can with the tools we have.

Thanks Happy, you've given me something important to focus on.

... mm if I were to reply to someone who had the same issue as me for this guilt I would say...

You loved her to the best of your ability. You can't say that giving her a chance just because she wasn't your particular type when you first met her was a bad thing to try and do. You cared about looking past appearances. You gave that a try and that's good but sometimes things just don't work out for other  reasons. Like deeper reasons that you truly desired in a relationship that you thought would satisfy and be right for you. Along the way she showed you some of these qualities you wanted in a partner. You began to think you were rewarded for giving this person a chance. You were paid close attention to. You felt like you were seen and adored for who you really are and that felt a lot like the love you were after. It was better than you had imagined she be. Then things changed again but that was out of your control. What you expected in return were things such as understanding, honesty, kindness, sensitivity, ability to compromise, and real intimacy and especially during challenging times. Are those conditions or expectations so bad to want in return? Those 'conditions' are what most people want in a relationship should be there for you and you didn't get that. You got blamed or completely dismissed when bringing up basic concerns instead. You were gaslighted and told you were crazy and need help. You were made to feel guilty when she wasn't feeling happy at any given time as if it were your responsibility to generate her happiness. Who can do that and not get frustrated and not wish for better? You lost it sometimes but that wasn't because you were crazy. You made mistakes sometimes but everybody does. You may have demanded too much from her to change for you but it was never intended to cause her to feel harmed or unworthy. You cannot control the way she thinks. You just didn't want to have to do all of the work. She preferred to avoid doing the work altogether and that is why you couldnt be satisfied with her. You felt alone in the relationship and wished you weren't. Feeling bad/guilty for turning someone down is normal. She knew you wanted to leave and beat you to it. You just didnt have the guts yet to completely let her go but at least you know for certain now that she did appreciate the love that you gave her. You didn't "fail" to love someone enough.

Sometimes it's easier to reflect this way.

Curiously1,

Your post helped me too to think more clearly about my r/s with my BPD. Thx!