BPDFamily.com

If I were ever given the truth, I sure could handle it.
Actually, it would set me free!  If I could only hear
the words, I could finally end it and not look back.
But because he will never tell me, I can't move on.
He insists that he's never been with anyone since me!
Although my gut, heart, and mind tell me otherwise.
Why can't he be a man, and let me have the truth?

I've been this way too. I'm a very analytical person, so to me having the truth helps me more for moving on.
The reason being, for me, is that if I don't understand what's going on I generally play back everything in my head and try to figure out the truth myself. I have relatively good long term memory so I can generally exhaust myself to death with various information of everything she said, and everything on my side as well.  It ends up being exhausting... .and damaging imo.


Thing is, with a BPD I don't think you can ever really get the full truth. It's all about protecting their image, and also protecting their fear of abandonment. Over the years, I've found it's better to just look at it more simplistically.   

Instead of the 'why's', focus on more of the actions... or the 'is'...   It's hard, and takes practice to think in that way... But in reality, sometimes you never get the truth or the 'why'. Even if you get the 'why', could you really know for sure?

I can tell you from experience the truth is no fun and will not set you free.

I was able to hack my exes systems and recover even deleted texts and images. The things that he would say and indicate doing thru them were complete torture.

Since he knew that I had this information he would not hold back on what he did, who he saw when he did it, and all of the sick motivations and explanations for why he HAD to do it all.

Just run away and don't get further involved. What I know makes me feel worse, not better. And has just added further more time in my healing process post detachment. Just move on, the pain you already have will be enough of a sentence.

You are looking for closure from a mentally unstable person. This will create instability within you.

Closure has to come from YOU. Create a coherent story of what has happened in your life. Actively close any doors that could allow this person who has hurt you to get back in. Take steps to build a new life for yourself; a vision of your future that makes you happy.

All of this takes time, but it is doable.

 

He is the one that cannot handle the truth. That is why you will never hear it.

Like Shadow said I am a fixer, very analytical and I play everything back. Always have, hoping I can prevent it from happening again in the future.
But that is logical and logical doesn't work on a broken mind.

My ex was always very good about answering questions and trying to give me closure even though it was very hard on her. I never got closure because every time I brought up the subject there was a new or different reason why she left me.
Stuff I had never heard before, stuff that never happened and some true stuff.

The only thing I ever consistently heard was that I am a good father, good provider, a good person, but a bad husband.
As I understand it that was projecting and what she is really saying is she was not a good wife. But BPD cannot take blame for anything. And she was not a good wife. She was like another teenager in the house.

You are in the same boat as many of us, looking for answers when there are none that will ever give us closure.

One thing to keep in mind is that the "truth" can change from moment to moment.

Ex and I were having a conversation and I was telling him why I was hurt. He got defensive and said, "But I am telling the truth now." I told him, yes, what you are saying is true right now in this moment. In 20 minutes, that truth could easily change. One day he would tell me that he wanted to work on us, blah, blah, blah and that he wasn't looking for anyone else. A couple of days or weeks later, he would be answering ads and looking for a new "friend".

That is why it is so important for you to find closure for yourself. If you rely on them telling the truth, it might not help at all. No matter what ex says, I am in a place where I am going to question it and analyze it. Even when he admits to some of the stuff that he has done, it doesn't help. It is a rabbit hole that leads to more questions. I have to find a way to be content with all of the unanswered questions. I have to find a way to be content with focusing on how I felt and how I perceived things rather than looking for him to tell me things to validate my feelings and perceptions.

How would you feel if you listened to your heart, gut, and mind instead of looking to him for answers? 

How do you think the truth will set you free?

I ask because I have done a lot of bargaining with myself and setting up if/then scenarios where I tell myself "If he would only <fill in the blank>, then I could <fill in the blank>". The truth is that I am putting myself in a position where I am stuck. The beauty of it is that I can now blame my being stuck on him. He isn't going to change. He isn't likely to do anything any different. I have to work up the courage to find my own truth and trust myself. It is a very, very painful thing to do. I can finally see some of this intellectually. I am still having a difficult time actually putting it into practice and getting to the next step.

I'm so sorry to hear. Like others said, you're looking for answers and unfortunately that's robbed from us

I leanrt to not listen to answers from her but to only look at actions and behavior. That's all you need to find the truth.

This ^^^. The trouble with looking to him for the truth in order to set you free is that that scenario gives him all of the power and control and leaves you helpless and at his mercy. That's simply not the case. You are responsible for your life just as he is responsible for his life. He has no power over you which you do not grant. As jhk pointed out, build your future yourself for yourself. You have already given him a portion of your past, don't give him your future as well.

I spent days trying to construct some logic system from what i found when i hacked my exes phone and emails.  The things I found were beyond reproach and far above anything i imagined.

the truth will make you feel extremely worse, I promise. you will end up with more reasons to hate yourself for loving this sick person.  More reasons to doubt your whole world view for not seeing the signs earlier. You will not have some "Aha" moment or epiphany that makes moving on any easier.  In fact, my discoveries made me hate myself 10x as much, hate him even more, and extended the time I've spent getting over him... .

really, listen to some of the wisdom in these recent replies.  Trying to get closure from an unstable person will only inject instability into your life.  This is SO true. I was able to pin my ex down to the point where the truth was static... .would no longer change every couple hours or twenty minutes.  I had all the data.  Deleted texts going back yearsss. and the person this data depicted was many orders more sick, disgusting and insane than what my wildest nightmares could have predicted.

I have seen things i will never unsee.  I became as obsessive over the data in the same fashion i became obsessive and hyper vigilant over his actions when we dated.  I wasted days/weeks of my life trying to analyze the crazy i found.  started reading books and studies on mental health that i did NOT have to read.

I wish i could go back and tell my past self "dont waste anymore time on this person, you wont be able to understand crazy. thats why its called crazy."

I would love to have just let the relationship end as it did, and used that extra time to process and move on.  Instead I feel like the worlds biggest sucker/loser and have many more questions than answers.