BPDFamily.com

I frequently feel anger toward my ex, but I usually derail it. I have trouble believing that I am entitled to feel angry. I was responsible for putting myself in the situation with my ex. I was responsible for staying in long after the red flags went up. Getting angry at her seems like it's only displacing feelings that are my just desserts. I know this isn't right. This website and the forums have taught me that anger can be wise and rejuvenating. But I don't like anger. I don't like feeling, expressing, or receiving it. I feel guilty about feeling anger. Has anyone else felt guilty for feeling angry?

I could use some help with this, but I don't know where to get started. I was thinking of carrying a notepad and pen with me and jotting down every memory of her that stirs anger. I already have a short list of this sort. Would this be counterproductive? Are there other ways to address anger?

I had often said that this was the life I chose (unknowingly with a BPD)
So I stuck to it. I had tremendous guilt anytime I had bad feelings towards her or the relationship.

It is okay to hate the disorder but it is not her fault. She is broken.
Many times I had thought about divorce before my ex filed and I couldn't do it. I felt like I would be divorcing a retarded child that couldn't take care of themselves.

Thing is, That wasn't the proper thought process either. I was unhealthily attached to her.

You will go through a whole range of emotions on a daily or even hourly basis. It is okay as long as you don't lash out or act on them. Just let them pass.
I woke up angry at my ex for the first time ever today and it felt great. I am almost happy for once.

Hmm, I'd say that anger is normal, it's wise to not supress your feelings regardless of what that feeling is. I bet that you don't like feeling guilt, guilt is toxic, feeling angry doesn't make you a bad person, it helps you to detach from toxic r/s's and it's a normal stage in grieving.

Thank you for helping me over this hump. This is what I needed. I just finished talking through this same problem of anger with my mom, and we reached the same conclusion. My anger has been scattered. Several times I asked, "What is the object of my anger?" I had to admit that sometimes I am the object of my own anger. I'm furious at myself for having ignored the red flags, for having put myself in this miserable position. More often, though, my ex has seemed like the object of my anger. But I see now what you mean when you say that it's not her fault. My mom put it like this: "It's the disorder that prevents you from having a relationship with her." At those words, I felt a great weight lift from me. I can rage about the disorder all I want, free of guilt and confusion. The guilt only came in when I was getting angry at her.

I am grateful for your help and for this whole board.