BPDFamily.com

Lead in ... .I have been working with our kids all week and a little longer to prepare their gifts for mom so they'll be ready to give them to her and to not have to scramble at the last minute. Additionally, I have failed to follow through AGAIN on "big" plans because the dinner reservations I made had to be canceled because we overspent on xmas gifts and other things. I was planning on a much less expensive dinner out but was shamed for not following through, setting a bad example for my son and not caring enough to make it happen. My alternative plans will not happen because they're not good enough. (truth be told, she invited her parents over anyway, so we wont have time to do anything alone) This episode sets off the dragging out of 20 years of terrible birthdays, how much she hates her birthday because I never let her know how important she is. How I never change to suit her needs.  Freezeout for the night. Conversation over.
So, uBPDw has the bday today and our youngest and I wake early to prepare muffins. Also got her favorite coffee prepared and ready to go before she has to leave  for work. Complete attitude this morning and no interaction regarding bday. No thank you. Nothing. But on my way to work, I get a text... ."did you even get me anything for my bday". I did buy a few things for her bday and for christmas with the little money that we have and havent spent on the children. its not alot  and I tried to be as thoughtful as I could with the gifts. I am not looking forward to getting shamed for what I bought. it has happened so many times in the past and I fear will happen again this year. In the past she has drained us down to nothing in our account, then chastised me for not being able to get anything or shaming me for what little I was able to buy. Early on in our relationship and first few years of our marriage... .year round, I woudl buy things when I was thinking of her... .trinkets, cards and flowers. I would leave her notes around the house so she could read when arriving home from work. Small gestures but they were heartfelt. During one year, she mentioned wanting some tennis shoes and for her birthday, I bought some nice running shoes and as you can imagine, i was shamed and wrecked for getting them and insinuating that she was fat and needed to work out. I cant express that hurt feelings and rejection felt from that and the shaming and belittling for buying the small things and doing the small things years ago. So, I just stopped doing all of it over the years. I still hear about all the things I dont do, dont buy, dont make her feel important on "her day". And that bleeds right over into Christmas. Same story with Christmas. "You dont buy, you dont make me, I hate Christmas... .I hate this time of year. I will never bring this up again, you never change, if you were sorry you would change, if you loved me you would buy/show/do". Every year and nothing I do can erase what I've done or not done. I do have gifts I bought that she mentioned wanting but I've already written the script and know how this is going to go down. I so want one christmas where we can just give thanks and focus on others instead of ourselves. Rant over.

You are not alone, if I told you how much I had in my bank account before meeting my wife you probably would not believe me.  Now it is a struggle to even put food on the table.  The shame thing happens to me too so I try my hardest to get what I can.  She will even say not to get her anything because I can use the money for bills but God forbid if I do that, I will hear about it sometime later how she made such sacrifices for me and my family and didn't get any clothes and shoes and makeup.  If I get anything for my son this Christmas, hers better be a million times as impressive as his or she will go into silent mode for ages. 

I think you are doing such a great job and I think it is the little things that matter like leaving notes.  Not everyone will appreciate that but in some ways that means so much more because it is heartfelt.  Anyone with money can go into a shop and just drop money on gifts, but writing letters are personal and special.

Whatever you do she may find something wrong with it, I hope you are able to find some joy this Christmas.