BPDFamily.com

My wife has exhibited BPD behavior for all my time with her and maybe I am co-dependent as I have built my life around her and our kids.
She has voluntarily entered a mental institution 2x this yr with a long depression and cutting behavior sandwiched in between the visits.
She was put on a 72 hr hold many yrs ago due to possible suicidal behavior, has low self-esteem, was abused mentally as a child etc etc etc... so many hurts over her life.
She is now asking for a separation to "explore her recovery" but has said many hurtful things that make me believe this is not a separation, but the fist step in getting me out of the house and setting up a divorce.
How does one cope?  I am so torn.
The logical side of me says walk away... run if needed, file first and get the kids away from her.
The emotional/loving/Possibly codependent side says give her what she wants, hope for the best and pray she comes back better and that we might be able to forge a path forward together.
Am I being a jerk if I go?   A sucker if I stay?
Anyone out there go through something like this?
Most importantly, how do I protect the kids?

Do you have documentation of her mental health state or times she was admitted for observation, evaluation or therapy?

That sort of documentation is something rare for most of us to have in hand.  Build your documentation and keep it safe before it 'disappears' or is inaccessible.

As regards her wanting a separation, why are you the one contemplating moving out?  In a less unequal world wouldn't it make sense for the more dysfunctional person to exit and focus on recovery?

I asked the above question to challenge you to see both sides of the coin, how reviewing and pondering your perceptions can change the viewpoints.  For example, what happens when you jump up a foot?  Yes, you jump up a foot but Einstein would say his view of relativity is that it is equally true that when you 'jumped' you really pushed the earth and the entire universe away from you, well, for a brief moment.  See?  So I challenge you to see that in a separation there are two choices, you move out or she moves out.  See?  Both are possible, but it will take boundaries and alertness to be in charge.

It seems in most cases the mothers are more glued to their kids (validation, entitlement, control, leverage) than fathers.  It's not 100% but mostly.  So yes society may expect the dad to leave without the kids.  But your family dynamic is nowhere near normal.  She has severe enough mental health issues that she's had professional treatment.  That substantial.  But you have to have strategies and boundaries.

How do you respond to her talk of separation?  "I could move out with the kids"?  It's very hard to successfully get the kids to a calmer environment.  Courts and agencies seems to prefer the child have as little change as possible, meaning you as man and father will be presumed to be the one departing.  Why not look look through the other end of the binoculars and respond, "I'm not seeking separation but I will support you as much as I can if you move out"?

However, be aware that approach is vulnerable to sudden and shocking sabotage.  Many here, myself included, at the time of separation faced allegations of abuse, either DV, child abuse, child neglect or child endangerment.  And too often when a woman or mother makes allegations, the system is inclined to side with the claimed victim or target.  So you have to be on your tos so that doesn't catch you unprepared.

Hi dntdelay,

I'm sorry you're going through this

I can see why you are conflicted about how to interpret your wife's intentions.

Whatever you do, don't move out of the marital home before gathering information from a lawyer. You can often do an attorney consult for a few hundred dollars. Go in with a legal pad filled with questions and either have someone come with you to write things down, or take notes yourself. It's easy to forget what was said when you're under emotional stress.

Moving out of the marital home sets up a status quo situation that can carry a lot of weight in court. You don't want to have her file divorce and then be in a position with zero or weak leverage, trying to convince the court you are the healthier parent who happens to have abandoned the same kids you claim you are trying to protect. 

If she wants to work on her recovery, that is great, and if she has a therapist who encourages her to set up an apartment where she focuses on herself while trying to rebuild the family, then that's another way to approach her intention to heal that doesn't jeopardize you and the kids.


I found the best way to protect my son was to focus on his emotional resilience. That meant using all of the communication and relationship skills I learned here and in therapy and apply them to him.

And in large part, that means validating how they feel. It is very easy, very tempting, to explain away the extraordinary abuse and safety issues with a BPD parent (cutting, suicidal ideation, impulsivity, etc.). Having a BPD parent means reversing the natural parent-child role, so that the child feels the need to reassure and validate the parent, instead of the opposite way around (which is healthy). So, your kids need you to be the parent who provides them with validation. Otherwise, they being to erase themselves just like their mom does, and they lose a sense of healthy attachment and the development of a stable sense of self. They need to know that they are separate from their mom, with their own feelings and perceptions.

Have you talked to a lawyer yet?