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Title: She moved out earlier this week, saw her at our son's bday party today Post by: c_craig_k on December 22, 2016, 07:53:47 PM Won't repeat myself so if you'd like more background it is here.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=302982.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=302982.0) Today was our 10yo son's birthday party, which was held at my exBPD's sister's house. Nothing dramatic happened, I'm really just kinda reporting/journalling it here. Everything was fairly good, but at one point we were alone in a room and she locked eyes on me and started to smile and glow. She eventually asked about coming to stay the night back home with the children and I tonight. She just hinted at it, really--I don't think she wanted to outright ask--either out of respect or cunning. I don't care to characterize it, really. Anyway, I was able to brush it off. The voice in my head listing all "the good things" about the family being together did start running, but it wasn't persuasive. She showed me a crazy text from her mother about her needing to find and love Jesus above all, as if that would cure her mental illness. (No knock to Christian readers, but the text was just weirdly tone-deaf.) We kinda laughed over that and I felt warm and friendly toward her without any desire to "be" with her. I wasn't looking forward to coming home to the house with just me and the kids, but I know her being here would be insanity. She's been doing DBT and EMDR for months and has recently started twice a week, she seemed I really don't have any hope for us being together, which I kinda consider a miracle. I used to think I'd always have that hope simply because we have children together and we became so close over 17 years. I don't have that hope at all now, and she really isn't a good partner to be honest. I think she'll get better and better with DBT. I don't know what "cured" means for people with BPD, but I think she has as good a shot as anyone. Having some distance from the romantic relationship and losing hope about it has made the breakup of the family very weighty and real. My family is broken apart and kids are being passed back and forth. When I hadn't given up hope on the marriage I guess I was able to push away grieving for my family. I'm flat and depressed about being a single parent. I've been a family man for a long time, and I've been the primary parent for a long time. It's nice to have someone with you at the beginning and end of the day. I know there will be many challenges in the divorce and parenting arrangements, and her mental illness and ancient grudges will flare up and she'll make some insane demand, insult me, or say something monumentally insensitive, but it was a good day where I felt detached without being angry; warm without exposing myself to her at all. Title: Re: She moved out earlier this week, saw her at our son's bday party today Post by: rfriesen on December 23, 2016, 12:07:29 AM Having some distance from the romantic relationship and losing hope about it has made the breakup of the family very weighty and real. What does that weight feel like, if you have to describe it? I had a much shorter relationship with my ex than you with yours, but I distinctly recall at some point after the breakup (and still today to some extent) feeling the weight of time like never before. Flashbacks from grade school even, and my mind kind of doing the mental gymnastics of figuring out how it all led to the place I was at. Don't mean to hijack your thread with my own ponderings -- but the way you described the breakup as "weighty" really resonated with me. Excerpt I know there will be many challenges in the divorce and parenting arrangements, and her mental illness and ancient grudges will flare up and she'll make some insane demand, insult me, or say something monumentally insensitive, but it was a good day where I felt detached without being angry; warm without exposing myself to her at all. Sounds like you have great perspective on it all -- so, yes, go ahead and enjoy the good days and warm moments :) Title: Re: She moved out earlier this week, saw her at our son's bday party today Post by: c_craig_k on December 23, 2016, 07:56:28 AM What does that weight feel like, if you have to describe it? I had a much shorter relationship with my ex than you with yours, but I distinctly recall at some point after the breakup (and still today to some extent) feeling the weight of time like never before. Flashbacks from grade school even, and my mind kind of doing the mental gymnastics of figuring out how it all led to the place I was at. Don't mean to hijack your thread with my own ponderings -- but the way you described the breakup as "weighty" really resonated with me. I specifically meant the weight of the family part more than me being with my wife--kids not waking up in the same house as both parents, etc. My girl is still asking when mom is coming home. When I thought that my wife could decide to be committed to the family and we could ride it out through the first year or two of DBT treatment I wasn't really feeling this weight. After admitting she can't manage that kind of relationship with me the full weight of the implications for our family hit me. Particularly at this birthday party. Title: Re: She moved out earlier this week, saw her at our son's bday party today Post by: Hisaccount on December 23, 2016, 08:07:38 AM I had a lot of guilt over the kids too, and it did change them a little, but it wasn't a bad thing.
We found out I am a much better father and parent without her around. I am more fun relaxed, laughter in the house. The kids are more relaxed. My oldest son is my best friend at 22 and that is something that I didn't have with my father and I grew up in a "perfect" home. So don't beat yourself up. This is for the better. |