BPDFamily.com

I have known my ex for 3 years now and was aware of his problems before we started dating. I naively thought they were due to drug use and that they would go away when he stopped using. We began dating 1.5 years ago when he had been clean & sober and at first things were great.

It did not take long for this to change. My ex was diagnosed with bipolar years ago but to me he is so clearly borderline I am not sure how his psychiatrist has missed it for this long. Tumultuous emotions lasting minutes to hours, impulsivity, recklessness, extreme fear of abandonment, stress induced paranoia, bouncing back and forth from putting me on a pedestal to accusing me of being the most horrible and selfish person alive, literally every symptom of BPD describes him perfectly.

We are broken up now for good after I simply could not handle being in the relationship with him anymore. I myself am bipolar and suffered a nervous breakdown when I knew I had to end things. Unfortunately I can't walk away from the situation as I work for one of his family members.  I constantly feel trapped between needing to remove myself from the situation and feeling a sense of obligation towards helping his family member "deal" with him. I have extreme guilt over ending things as life has been a living hell for both me and my boss these past few months. I am lost and don't know what to do or how to handle any of this.  I know he doesn't have control over his behavior but I also despise him for subjecting everyone he cares about to his abuse.

Today has been especially bad as I made clear I would not be spending Christmas with him. So far he has mortified me by posting nasty comments/statuses about me on facebook and leaving me long voice mails about how ugly I am inside and out. How do I handle this better to lessen both of our hurting? How do I detach myself from his words so they don't destroy me so badly? Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi marvelless  *welcome*

You're not alone with being in a relationship with a pwBPD. I too had some kind of inkling about my ex's problems at the start of my relationship with her.

It makes sense that you attribute his issues before to substance use.

If it seemed clearer to you than to others that he showed behaviours characteristic of borderlines, it's thought that such things are clearer to those in the 'closest' relationships to the pwBPD.

It's known to be difficult to identify BPD--even for practitioners--so this makes it even harder for partners like us (untrained) to see such things when they happen in front of us. So if you had difficulty seeing the issues--that's alright.

Breaking up with pwBPDs can be very stressful for the non, even with the issues we may ourselves have. The breakup with the pwBPD in my life was probably one of the most difficult experiences I've gone through with relationships.

I'd like to share with you that these relationships are known to be very entangling. I do believe that's true. They feel very "sticky" when it comes to the conflicts and the resolutions. That your work is involved with his family can make it even more difficult.

It's a good idea to start with decreasing your own hurt. Often, as the likely caretaker-figure (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56303.msg518530#msg518530), we're expected to come from a stronger position than the subject of the caretaking. You would do well to start with the stages on the right. Stage 1 is here (https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/01.htm).

Then, I'd think you'd do well to find time to ask yourself what caring about yourself means--then going about to do that. I encourage you to exercise self-compassion during this time.

I hope you have peace.  :)

Thank you so much for your response. You have really hit it on the head about the "caretaking" - my boss expects me to be the bigger person at all times since my issues are less clear to those around me. I have been reading around the site and am relieved to know that my experience with my ex is not at all atypical, particularly the FOG so often described. I hope this will lessen along with my attachment to him.

I think it's common for bosses to place greater expectations on people who can see problems clearer. A boss typically wants to harness all of you--and if you can see things clearer, you're more able to look at solving problems. While a bigger expectation from your boss can cause more pressure on you, I think your clarity is a very good thing. You're then better able to act according to your own beliefs.   |iiii

Yes, your experience is not atypical. It's been--to me--many months and a lot of work with what happened with my relationship. Yet, when listening to others about their relationships, I'm continually surprised at how unique my experience was in contrast to others. This board is a good place to recall how very different yet how very real our relationships were. Find hope, the attachment does lessen over time.  :)