BPDFamily.com

My wife has BPD, or I do depending on who you ask (she says its me; the psychiatrist says its her). I just thought she was latin (you know - hot blooded - like Gloria in the TV show Modern Family - she's Venezuelan).

Well -12 years and three kids and far too much pandering to her every whim by me (i do love her) the you know what has really hit the fan - Yes I'm no angel, I've made mistakes I'm disinclined to blame her behavior for my mistakes - but rising tension, demands, and a feeling of not being good enough or able to give her what she wanted led to shame, overwork and the seeking of validation for myself elsewhere (work and other people) as I did not feel welcome or even wanted. I could call it verbal and physical abuse, but I won't, I'm a big muscly laboring guy, enough to handle whatever she dished up (and I'm sure she didn't think she was able to "really" hurt me), but my heart is tender and easily bruised - but since I don't show that "her way" it can't be true (or even recognized at all). She has never said sorry in all these years, while I use it almost every time we talk. She has on very rare occasion said "maybe I shouldn't have done that" but I don't know if that means "I f***ed up because had I considered it there was a different and better punishment I could have given you". She is also not responsible for ANYTHING, $100s of dollars in speeding fines- my fault - I made her angry, hit me - same, hit the kids (even when I'm not there) my fault for not doing my share of looking after them and giving her a break. Even several affairs - all my fault for not loving her enough - she had to do it to force me to realize i was losing her... .

So I've been reading, online, books, talking to my psychiatrist and I know you can't ever get a borderline to admit it or look inward, but today in the middle of some examples in a book I came up with an idea - tell her I have BPD and ask her to understand and forgive me as well as help and work with me to reduce the damage. Since BPs are so good at projection and blame perhaps my accepting the blame will feed her into feeling sorry for me and becoming the helpful loving person I know she can be?

any ideas - has anyone tried this?

Hi there she loves menot?

You are welcome here.  

What you describe is hard, and I am sure you've seen, if you've read around the Boards a little, not uncommon. The emotional rollercoaster, and if ever there was an apt description - that's it, wears one down. Pandering to whims that constantly change, as whims by definition do, does not work in the long term. So something has to change, for change to happen.

The change you are talking about, pretending that you are the one with BPD, is a strategy I've not come across here. I don't recommend it, although I follow your logic. You are basing this on a misapprehension of the disorder, I think. You think that it is a way to get empathy, consistency, and understanding from your wife. That focusing on you and your needs will happen because she will see how much more you need than she does. That it will make her feel more important in herself and that that improved feeling will translate into kindness shown to you. Something like that?

If you've been reading about BPD, you know by now that it is essentially a disorder of the emotions. They change frequently and swing wildly between joy/euphoria to darkness or disatisfaction or anger. Sometimes the change is caused by some outside thing, usually misperceived or at least blown out of proportion, and sometimes just by the brain's own chemicals. It helps me to think of it as bipolar disorder with episodes not lasting days or weeks, but minutes.

Since the mood changes are erratic and, of course, confusing for the pwBPD, some outward reason is sought for them. If you look for something with a particular filter, usually you will find that thing. So it becomes easy to blame this on those closest to you and something that they've done or not done. Any other explanation will lead back to oneself and that both doesn't make sense and requires facing one's own demons, which no one likes to do. :)

So pwBPD develop very useful mechanisms to protect themselves from these kinds of insights or thoughts, most of the time. Distractions, self-harming, addictions, rages, or for those in relationships, blaming the partner in some way and acting out. Really kind of like a toddler - which is another way I've thought about it.

A further complication is impulsivity. Since the feeling is so strong, it must equate to a fact that requires an action and that action, whatever it is, is usually instant and certainly not cooly considered but rather hot-headed, as you've mentioned. To be on the receiving end can be kind of exhilarating but mostly it's confusing, hurtful, crushing.

As with anything, it's a spectrum and some pwBPD swing more wildly than others. Some have (usually occasional and short-lived) insight, others don't. For me, after all I've read, the above explanation works and allows me to extrapolate to all the other behaviours we know a BPD to engage in. In other words, if I start with that basis, it allows me to work out all the attendant behaviours and see how they follow really pretty logically.

All this suggests that asking a pwBPD to in some way be responsible for you and your happiness is like asking a toddler to do so. They might be able to, for a short spell, but it will come crashing down quickly enough because the whole apparatus is set to focus on the self primarily, in self-protective mode, and this requires more mental energy than can possibly be expended on another. Asking for forgiveness is the same as validating all her 'bad' behaviours. It doesn't sound like you need to ask for forgiveness in reality, and doing so would essentially be dishonest and misguided.

However, I don't want to poo-poo your idea and leave you with nothing else. The better and long-term more effective way to manage the relationship is to use the tools we have here. You understand the disorder, then you look in detail in what does not work in your communication dynamic. Then you begin to slowly and consistently work on improving that. You decide on and learn to maintain some boundaries. You model responsible emotional behaviours and firmly (though gently) insist on those. Tadaa

I know, sounds easy, is not easy. But it's doable, and we have members here who know that it works. Although, it must be said, it is work and you will be doing the bulk of it. To ensure you have the energy to keep it up, you need to make sure that you are aware of your own needs and have healthy ways of filling those. So, validation and social interaction that allow you mind that  tender heart of yours.

Don't make the mistake of equating of pandering to whims with love. That's not how it works. We give and compromise in relationships, of course, but there need to be limits otherwise we are ignoring what is important for ourselves and that's no way to live or love. Again, going with the toddler analogy, you wouldn't give your child everything they asked for and try to see everything from their perspective all the time. You know there are things that you have to say no to, because it's either not good for the child, your relationship with your child, or for you.  

Have you looked at the panel here on the right-----> ? Will you look at Setting Boundaries and the Tools section in Lessons?

What do you think?

Keep posting, ok? We are here to help each other. We learn from each other, but even more than that, we support each other. And that is one thing that most people involved in a r/s with a pwBPD do not have enough of - support.

I hope you are having a peaceful Christmas day, however you mark it  

~VitaminC

These two videos really made things clearer for me. Perhaps they'll be helpful to you too.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=302605.0