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So I had posted before about my uBPD who I am separated from.  I had known that it would be tough for us to attempt going out to holiday events (without being able to tell her it's one of her severe triggers). But even that conversation failed, so it was a tough night.  But I knew separated I would get a late night drunken phone call.  I was slightly wrong. It was a 4 am text with a song link for The Beach Boys Christmas. At first I thought she sent it by accident and wasn't going to respond, but know that there are a few buttons to push to send that link.

It was her drunk, alone, grieving her mom. So I spent till 6am, validating, understanding all through texts, sharing songs back and forth. But in the middle, there was a text where it turned. She started going back to last Christmas, where I had to leave because she was going hysterical in a drunken rage because her emotions where too much for her.  I hadn't read anything about BPD then, I thought it was me, because she told me.  I was a trigger and didn't know it.

But back to last night.  She began texting with saying I left her and I made her unable to grieve her mom, because she was so busy dealing with our relationship.
I felt that guilt, and validated it because she isn't wrong. I didn't add my piece, I didn't argue. I ran out of validating terms and was just listening and knowing this wasn't about me.  The difference last night was me again.

But while I know I got through last night, there will be more of them.  And through all of this, there is no validation for me.   

I've written this long post to get my feelings out, and I can't because all I want to do right now is make sure she is ok. Because she made me feel guilty that her feelings were so heavy, they could have possibly been hers.

This push and pull from last night is mild compared to others, because I managed it.  It didn't end her attacking me, yelling screaming, getting physical because I put the distance between us.

But I feel awful because I am alone, on Christmas.  And I don't know if I can keep on in this relationship putting my needs on hold, to feel this way.  I felt ok last night, went to bed, and was calm. 

But detaching, leaving this, is just confirming that I was going to abandon her anyway.  But by staying I am probably abandoning myself.

And my inner push and pull is going at it.   

I hear you, ynwa. I'm sorry—I know how difficult it is to find the right path amidst so many emotions and challenging behavior. I felt that I abandoned myself in my relationship with pwBPD, too. Maybe I just wasn't up the to challenge? Maybe I put myself first, finally? I'm not sure. But I knew when I knew and then I took action.

The back and forth is normal, I feel. Can you allow those feelings to flow without pressuring yourself to do anything about them?

heartandwhole

Thank you Heartandwhole,

Yes I am sitting here crying, trying to calm myself.  Trying to put my head around the idea that this is the best course of action. Writing my feelings and literally doing nothing.  I am my own trigger, and I would only trigger her into a worse response.  She is with her family, and I respect them and love them to not make it worse on their end.

And I cannot engage my friends and family because it is their Christmas, and I am aware if they need me.  I am also aware that I need to feel this, and the panic is passing.  My thoughts always return to the idea that if I am feeling this much, lord knows what she is feeling.

It is tough to be alone on a major holiday. While you need some time to think and feel your feelings- is there any way you can get out and be with some people. I know you don't want to burden your friends/family with relationship problems, but you can drop in for desert and say hello. Is there anyone you think would welcome you if they knew you were alone?

Some churches and soup kitchens host Christmas dinners and events. Maybe find one and lend a helping hand? Being on the giving end of Christmas is a wonderful feeling.

Got friends who don't celebrate Christmas? Maybe join them to go do something.

Although your ex "blames" you for not processing her grief, you know this isn't true. You are not able to control someone else's grief. Even the best expressions of kindness from friends and family, while comforting, can't change how the grieving person feels. Don't blame yourself for this.

Do something good for you this day.

Yes, I can go somewhere today, and in my overwhelmed moments using the term ALONE is not correct.  I FEEL alone, and honestly know that getting through those moments are important.  She will not be understanding or ready to deal with my needs, especially if I am upset or even slightly angry.  That makes me feel alone.

My friends know I'm dealing, most of them have known her longer than me and accept me.  But it's fair that they should spend Christmas with their loved ones.

Until a couple weeks ago, I had gone three years without opening up.  Never really dealing with the abuse and failing relationship, waiting for her to go back to normal.