BPDFamily.com

Hey all,

Happy holidays!

Today I had a moment of clarity. I fully acknowledge that I have a huge problem with codependency and that it is and has been a huge fault of mine. Until today, I just couldn't get it. I kept wanting to shift the blame to my exBPDw, but now I know it was me that crafted a bad, unbalanced relationship.

Granted, I still believe that she treated me poorly and that I don't deserve that--but had I not been codependent, I would have rejected her before the relationship ever started.

The point is... .I am never going to be able to have a healthier life and positive relationships until I figure out and accept who I am and what I want. I need to address my hangups and insecurities and dig deep enough to unclog whatever the heck is holding me back from being a unique and secure individual. This will also help me not be so needy and controlling of others. I want to free myself and feel happy being me.

So. Does anyone have any book recommendations, etc?   

Thanks!

Hi thrownforaloop 

I enjoyed this one. It seems like it might be what you're looking for. It has some explanation of the dynamic of nons and pwBPDs in the sense that it addresses the roles of both parties and why things were how they were.

I think it will help if you want to pursue a healthier life and get some clarity as to who you are. I enjoyed the compassionate but not patronising impression the author gives. If you understand why and how you did what you did in your relationship, I think it gives you an indication of how to prevent a repeat.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203887.msg12271876#msg12271876

Happy holidays!  

Hey and happy holidays  

Congrats. Yes I also think a lot of us, who end up with the same type of persons every time, have some work to do.

It takes two for tango. Personally I do have tendency to codepend a little, but since I'm aware of it, it dosen't really complicate my relationships. But being with a partner with a mental illness are more challenge for us than others.

I'm a leader and I have no problems in my social and work relations, almost the opposite, but when it coms to my privat life I can't figure out to set boundaries. I'm afraid to trigger/hurt/upsett and so on and so on. When I look back on some of my relationships I wonder why I even enden up with them! In retrospect I see that my feelings maybe just was a friendship, but since i really cared about the person I couldn't say no and set the boundaries and suddenly I was in a un healthy relationship i couldn't  end.

So when I went tot. NC on my last ex. It was really a big thing for me. And I feel proud of myself. It haven't been easy since she is really sick (PTDS/BPD) and in tot. denial. (read my earlier posts!) But for ME it's been really healthy and produktive.

So put your foot down and state your boundaries in a calm and simple matter. Learning by doing.

Good luck with your progress and remember life is a lesson and a journey with ups and downs. The challenge is how you handel it!  

 


  

Gotbushels, thanks for the book recommendation, I'll be excited to check it out.  That sounds very useful!

Cosuffer, thanks for your response.  I wish you goodluck on your journey too! 

Pia Mellody "Codependency"

"Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie.
Another book I found helpful that has some relevance to codependency is "overcoming perfectionism" by Ann Smith.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life  Margalis Fjelstad 

Codependency No More

I think this book is kinda the one that coined the term or brought it into pop culture, and is very much worth reading, but I would pass it along with one grain of salt.

The book describes the problem very well. When it comes to a solution, pretty much the only one offered (again, and again, and again) in it is "Go to a 12-step meeting." Those meetings really do help some people a great deal. They also fail to help a lot of people. If you don't like them, or try them and don't find them right for you, just skip over those parts in this book, and pay attention to the rest of it.

Even without liking 12-step meetings, there is a lot of good stuff in that book.

thrownforaloop please let us know your thoughts on whichever book you decide. I found that the book review section (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0) was a good accompaniment for reading. If you have anything you'd like to share about your reading, I hope you'll consider posting about it. I found conversations these conversations very helpful to discuss with other members.      

Forward, Susan
When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal

Roth, Kimberlee
Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

Lawson, Christine Ann
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship


The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them
Aron Ph.D., Elaine N.

Forward, Susan
Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters


Martha Stout
The Sociopath Next Door

Zeff PhD, Ted
The Highly Sensitive Person's Survival Guide: Essential Skills for Living Well in an Overstimulating World (Step-By-Step Guides)

Stop Spinning, Start Breathing: A Codependency Workbook for Narcissist Abuse Recovery
Ballard, Zari L



The Siren's Dance: My Marriage to a Borderline: A Case Study
Walker, Anthony


No Contact Rule: How To Get Your Ex Back After A Breakup, Make Him Come Running Back To You With Love And Affection (The Survival Guide On How To Win
Stevens, Audrey L.

The Gift of Fear : Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence
Gavin De Becker


The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life
Anderson, Susan


Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives
Mellody, Pia

The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook: Practical Strategies for Living with Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder
Kreger, Randi