BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone! I had an account on here I used frequently up until about six months ago. I guess you could say that I stopped using it because I genuinely never expected to hear from my ex again. Safe to say that I was wrong!

Long story short, my ex was diagnosed with BPD when we were together. Our relationship lasted one year and what a turbulent year it was. Very push/pull, yet we never fought, yelled, or anything. We would simply reach new intimate heights in the relationship until she ran away, but then she would eventually come back. She always placed all the blame for our relationship's problems on herself, but she could never seem to stop repeating her patterns.

We amicably broke up since she was going through a very rough addiction that was ravaging the relationship. We both had full intentions to return to each other, it was just well acknowledged on both sides that she had to get her life together before that ever happened. We kept in touch for a few months after the breakup, but I (incorrectly) kept asking her to speak about what had happened between us and she eventually bolted - no contact, no answers, nothing. I did not know much about BPD at the time and if I knew then what I knew now, I never, ever would have acted in the way that I did. It is my fault and I have apologized many times for my actions since (she accepted graciously).

We have spoken a few times since (we ran into each other on the street twice, spoke twice via text) but that's been it for ten months. She does this thing (as I'm sure most of us are familiar with) where she will initiate plans, then disappear. For instance, one time we saw each other on the street, and she was visibly emotional about seeing me, told me that she loved and missed me, invited me out to dinner, but when I followed up to confirm the plans, she went NC again.

Our relationship was the best either of us had ever been in, we were honestly truly in love. She would always tell me that she never loved anyone more in her life and that I was her best friend, but these things are very bittersweet coming from a pwBPD, as I soon found out.

That's a (very short) bit of background. Now to the current situation –

My birthday was on December 22nd and I woke up with a text from her on December 17th that was sent at 3:00 in the morning. It simply said "I hope that you're doing well. Your birthday is coming up." In typical fashion, I responded the following day, she responded two more times, then stopped responding altogether.

I spoke to a few of my friends about this and they are baffled, but they're also not looking at this through any lens of BPD. She baits then runs constantly, pulling me in to push me away. Do you think that is what this is again? One of my friends also said that maybe she was actually platonically just wishing me well, but at 3 in the morning? When she hasn't initiated contact in ten months? I cannot help but think there might be more of a motive... .Also, if it was truly about wishing me a happy birthday, why not just do so on the actual day? Why try to drum up a conversation? It's as if she wanted me to know that she was thinking about it, that she remembered the day, and was thinking about me. But why?

She is truly my heart and I would love to be with her again one day. Therefore, after all of my research, I will not push her and hope she comes around again when she is truly ready for a commitment. Sometimes I think she does this every once in a while just to bait me, to keep her in my head so that when she is ready, she could come back around. I'm still in shock that she initiated anything.

I heard that she has started therapy again recently and genuinely hope that she is doing well. I'm proud of her.

Any experiences, advice, or thoughts would be very helpful. Thank you  :thought:

Hi silver90,

Welcome back! 


It's typical behavior for a BPD to "check" to make sure there is still a connection.  It soothes them at the time to learn there is that connection when one does respond.  Now... .trying to figure out exactly why at that moment she did reach out... .is a fruitless effort.  How a BPD feels and why they feel that way in a moment is a constantly moving target. 
BPD's have the emotional development of a child... .that's really a key of the illness.  They lack the emotional tools to deal with feelings in a healthy adult fashion, so it's like being in a relationship with a child... .in the body of an adult... .