BPDFamily.com

Hi there I haven't been here in a while. I've been trying to sort myself out from the relationship, AA, and depression. I think stopping drinking has helped somewhat, but still feeling down a lot.

I had slowed down with getting rid of my exBPD's stuff out of the house.  I went No Contact probably in mid-October. There are still some issues though that I'm not sure how to resolve.

He is still getting his mail here, seems he hasn't tried to change his address at all.  I have tried to message his friend, I believe he's living in a town a bit away with his Aunt and Aunt's coworker/friend.  I never get any replies from any of the emails.

I don't really want to open the door to communication w/my ex in fear of getting further verbal abuse or getting sucked in again. But I want to tie up these loose ends so I can move on.  It seems I can't change his address for him through the post office. We were never married.  I tried to write "return to sender" on the mail.

I'm a bit worried because for almost the last 2 months his bank has been writing to him saying he's in overdraft and they are threatening to close his account.  I guess he didn't have overdraft protection so all of his autopay things are still going through, and now he's just going into debt for payments, such as his gym membership.  I was able to cancel one thing but not sure what else to do.

I guess a part of me is wondering how he's doing. And I do miss him sometimes.  I could email him to tell him to take care of these things but I'm scared.  Anyone have experience with this stuff?

Thanks!

I think that your number one priority is to make sure that, no matter what you decide to do, you keep yourself emotionally safe.


That's it, then, isn't it? Keeping yourself emotionally safe may look like doing nothing. After all, this is a grown man who knows how to do a change of address, close an account, etc. None of this is your responsibility; you don't need to be "worried" about it. Like any adult, he will eventually have to deal with the fallout of his irresponsibility. (Personally, I was in a parentified r/s with my ex and I know it can be hard to let that "responsibility stuff go; I'm not sure about your situation.  Do what's best for YOUR emotional well-being. You take care of YOU and let him take care of himself.)


Of course, it's hard to turn off all those feelings; that's normal and natural. But being scared of someone who is "verbally abusive" is also natural (and wise).

I think you already know that remaining no contact is what you need to do while you are healing from the r/s. It's hard, I know; but it sounds like contacting him now could send you backwards several steps. You are making progress and healing (congrats on the no-drinking!) - keep that forward momentum going and build a vision of your life and your future that will make you happy.

As for my own experiences: no contact is not a hard-and-fast rule to be kept until the end of time; it's a good guideline to follow when we're healing.

My ex (accidentally) left behind a box of childhood pictures when she moved out - including many of her beloved grandmother. I considered whether or not to contact her about it for months. I finally decided to leave the box on her front steps when I knew she was at work. She texted me a "thanks" later on but I didn't respond. I knew that seeing her or speaking with her would not help my healing, and would likely send me backwards in many ways.

But then: about a year after our r/s ended I sold the house we lived in and was preparing to move. As I did my change of address for my dog's microchip, I discovered that her dog's chip was still registered to my home address. I decided to email her about it - and over the course of our corresponding it became a fairly friendly conversation. It was a conversation I was ready for; I was not tempted to try to re-engage; it didn't send me into a tailspin. In fact, the friendlier tone was a sort of closure to me and I feel like it helped me let go of things on a more positive note.

The point is, in both circumstances, I did what felt emotionally safe for ME. I didn't let my worry or concern for her (which I had by the BUCKETFUL when we were together) override what I needed. I've come to understand that that's not a selfish attitude; it's a healthy one.  :thought:

Thank you this was helpful. Any other stories? Yes and thinking since it's so close to the holidays I should wait. But yeah eventually I will unblock his number. There is a friend of his I have been leaving his stuff with and we are on ok terms so I will probably leave the rest of his stuff with the friend

Yes, be especially careful during the holiday season - I know that at times my emotions have been all over the place during the holidays!