Print Page - BPD mother diagnosed with cancer

Hi! Here's a brief history. My mom has always had anger, trust, and other symptoms that I knew were not the "norm". I decided to get counseling in my early 20's and my counselor suggested my mother may have BPD. After the birth of my first child and her giant blow up I knew something just wasn't right. My dad and her divorced and after she went through 3 attorneys the third told her she would only counsel her if she saw a psychologist. She was diagnosed with BPD. I only know this through my dad getting a copy from his attorney. She fits every symptom but refuses to acknowledge it. That was in 2011.
Current day she has gotten better in the last couple years from me setting boundaries, living a few hours away, and her getting involved in church. Then this year in the end of October she came down for a visit and had said she was bloating. When she arrived she looked very ill and about 7 months pregnant. She refuses to go to the Dr but her symptoms were getting so bad my brother and I talked her into going to the ER. After several tests and surgery she was diagnosed with stage 3C ovarian cancer.
My brother and I live about 25-30 mins from each other and our mother is single and about 2-2 1/2 hours from us. We decided to keep her here for treatments since we live here and she doesn't have much of a relationship with her sisters.
Since this started she had a good attitude until about a month ago. She now from minute to minute is going on tangents about my dad, my brothers fiancé (who she's staying with along with my brother). They have a baby coming feb 5th inhave 3 kids under 6 and my husband travels for work. Between my brother and I and the help of our SO's we are doing all the care. She's refusing to drive started telling family we don't feed her. She doesn't want to do anything for heself.
My brother is in denial about the BPD when I tried to tell him a long time ago and thinks she's just acting like this because of the cancer. She has been getting mad about money. She wants us to pay for everything since we have had here here. At first we did but it's added up. She threw a tantrum because she said we didn't get her anything for Christmas. She also didn't give us anything which is fine but kind of strange to get mad at us. My brother and her got into a blowout about it. Since her 2nd round of chemo she's improved and they want to go through with the surgery since the first time they weren't able to take anything. She's mad about getting better? She hasn't been home since she came down to visit and will not drive and is completely capable and has her car here. Today she had a CT scheduled to confirm if she needs another round of chemo or can have the surgery. She refused to go and told my brother she wished he would just give her a gun so she could shoot herself. She also said she will eat a bunch of sugar so the cancer will spread. (She is fixated on sugar making her cancer worse even though the dr said it's not really going to make a difference right now)
She's also refusing to work and doesn't want to to go back to work. So she wants to go on disability but wants us to do all the work for it. She throws tantrums anytime we try to get her to do something herself. Everyday she obsesses about her bills and money. Apparently she has $30,000 hidden all over her house and pulls money from different places when she does her bills and wants to go home to put it in her bank but won't drive. The list goes on. Today since she refused to go to her appointment for her CT I called the Dr and spoke with the social worker. She's going to recommend to the Dr that she goes to cancer counseling. Mid month my brother wants my mom to come stay with my family since the baby is coming. She will need help after her surgery. I don't think it's a good idea. I have very little patience anymore and my house is crazy enough with 3 little kids, a puppy (we got a week before she came down and was diagnosed), and a husband who travels with not a lot of child care options.
This last month I have started drinking a glass of wine to 2 every night since it's he only thing that's calming my nerves with her. My hands are starting to shake when I get anxious. I take celexa for anxiety. I've never really had an anxiety attack but after I had my first child and my mom blew up the day we had him I asked my Dr for something. He prescribed that and it helped a ton. I've continued to stay on it since I felt it helped my mood level me out a bit. I've been on the lowest dose and just asked my Dr to bump me up to 40mg because of all the stress. She did and my day to day is fine. I'm fine until my mom is around or an issue then my heart starts racing and hands shanking. Like I'm anxious I just want her to go home. Has anyone else had a BPD parent that was diagnosed with cancer and went through this?

Welcome Annie630:
I'm sorry about the situation with your mother. Another member had a similar situation with a BPD mom with cancer a couple of months ago. You have your hands full with your children and a traveling husband.

It's okay to say "no" to your mom staying with you after surgery. Perhaps she could go to a skilled nursing facility and after that, get help at her home. Don't let fear, obligation and guilt get in your way. You have to set boundaries for your benefit and the sake of your family.

The links below can be helpful: (Click on the green words)
FOG (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)
BOUNDARIES (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0)

Although Cancer counseling might have some benefit, I'm thinking your mom need some counseling and meds for her BPD.

Can you get some counseling for yourself? You need to take care of yourself. Can you think of some alternatives to drinking wine, for relaxing?

BPDFamily.com

Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD => Topic started by: Annie630 on December 27, 2016, 08:47:17 PM