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My husband was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago, which was 2 years after our relationship began.  Our relationship moved too fast for me to pay much attention to red flags. We married 5 months after we met. He began physically abusing me on our wedding night and continued for a year and a half until I had him arrested 2 years ago. After the arrest, he went to a therapist long enough to be diagnosed with BPD but stopped going after the court dismissed charges. But he had been doing very well. There have been no instances of physical abuse since the arrest but the episodes of rage started happening again this summer, with 4 major episodes in the last 6 months. These episodes are still very traumatic for me. Although they are not physically abusive, they are nothing less than emotional terrorism. He's admitted to me both mid-rage and when things calm down that his only desire during a rage is to cause me as much pain as possible, and that nothing else matters but that in the moment. The latest episode lasted the entire Christmas weekend. I have some knowledge and intuition from a degree in psychology and my observations and awareness of his patterns. But when I recently started reading suggestions regarding how to deescalate, I'm left feeling helpless, alone, and completely stuck. The advice all seems counterintuitive, like you're basically rewarding bad behavior and all of my emotional needs become secondary to his tantrum. I understand that the primary focus of any interaction during a rage is to deescalate, so concerns of negative reinforcement is irrelevant. I keep reminding myself not to take his behavior personally and that it's not really about me. I have too much invested in this relationship. We are an international couple with 2 small children. I've weighed my options and would only consider leaving if the physical abuse started again, because I can predict how ugly things would get if I tried to leave and we'd get caught in an international custody battle. I want to make it work, but I'm having a really hard time accepting this. The year and a half of abuse definitely gave me thicker skin and a cooler attitude under duress, but at what point do I stop trying to appease him and start protecting myself? I myself am in recovery with PTSD and postpartum depression and had been doing very well. But during his Christmas rage, I fell to self-harm for the first time in over 2 years.

These are my questions... .and I welcome whatever perspective you have on any/all of them... .

How do you protect yourself and your own mental state during a partner's episode of rage?

How do you talk to your partner about the incident after he/she has calmed down?

How do you encourage your partner to care for themselves when they refuse to eat regularly or follow a sleep pattern?

How can I help prevent or deescalate an episode when I know what's causing it but I can do nothing about it, like my partner's homesickness?

Welcome Aussiegoodwitch:   
Sounds like you are in a tough situation. I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with.  It is a lot for anyone to manage. 

It is important for you to have a safety plan for times when your partner is raging. Best to plan for the worst and hope for the best. He could resume physically abuse at any time. The link below can help.

SAFETY
SAFETY FIRST- CLICK HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf)

These additional links lead to information that could be helpful:

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

HOW TO TAKE A TIME OUT
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0

The link below is to a source in the US. Although the phone number won't be helpful, there is helpful information on the website.

www.thehotline.org/

Has anything worked for you in the past as a substitute for self-harm?  The link below may give you some options to consider.

IMPROVE THE MOMENT

www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

Hi Aussiegoodwitch,

You are welcome here. I am sorry that you are having such a tough time at the moment.

NaughtyNibbler gave you some good links to good information. What is your local support network like? It sounds like you are far from family. Would that be correct? Are there friends to whom you can talk about any of this? It's a lot to deal with on your own, and while we are here for you 24/7, it would be good to have physical people too. :)

How are you today? 

Thanks for the resources. I have a safety plan in case the abuse becomes physical again, and have learned his triggers, patterns, and body language enough to recognize when things are heading in that direction.

I do have a very strong support network locally, and friends who I see and talk to regularly. Unfortunately, over the Christmas weekend I was in a group message with them and my husband looked through my messages after I went to bed, saw that I was telling them everything that he was doing, and that escalated things more. When he calmed down and we were able to talk, he used that to excuse his behavior, saying he felt total betrayal that I would discuss our problems with anyone. He said I can't have those friends over to the house anymore because he is so embarrassed that they know his "evil side", in his words. I will still see them, just not at our house. I also changed my passwords so he can no longer read my messages or look on my phone.

AussieGoodwitch:  

I'm glad to hear that you have a safety plan and a strong support system. |iiii

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your phone.  Hopefully you used a password that he can't figure out.  Perhaps you might want to start deleting some messaging trails, history, etc., that might be triggering to him.

Other than networking with your friends, are you using any other means to manage your stress?  

Take care of yourself and I hope you have a happy New Year.  :)on't hesitate to reach out for support.  A  plan for alternatives to self-harm could be helpful for you as well.  Perhaps you could make a list and put it on you phone.  That way, when you feel the urge to self-harm, you can go to the list and remind yourself of alternatives.

Sounds like you are in a tough situation. I'm glad the physical abuse has stopped, but I worry that with him escalating that it could begin again. Please read the information on "Safety First". It's important to have a plan in the event of DV.


If I can get to correct thigns before he rages, sometimes I try to say, "I have a hard time understanding what you are saying when you yell. Could you please explain that to me again?"

If he begins to rage, I leave the house. I have to. If not, I put myself at risk. It scares me. I have tried many other approaches and none of them worked so I took the step of leaving. I don't leave for long and when he starts to text me I tell him I don't feel safe right now and that I will be home when we have both had time to calm down. Then I stop responding to texts. If he begins to text bomb me, I turn my phone off.


After the sitaution calms down, there is always the chance that it will re-start again so I have to be careful with my words. He is usually through the intial emotion so is more willing to listen. I ask him to "use his words" to explain to me what he was feeling before the explosion. I ask questions to lead him to coming up with answers himself. I apologize for what I actually did do wrong, but will not apologize for what I didn't do wrong. I let him know what hurt my feelings and what scared me (although I'm vague about my fear because I know he will use that again later).


How can I help prevent or deescalate an episode when I know what's causing it but I can do nothing about it, like my partner's homesickness?
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I would say that validating his feelings would be the best thing. He is sad and misses home. Perhaps saying something like, "I'm sure that must feel lonely/sad/you must miss it, etc. I would feel the same too if I was away from my home. Is there anything I can do to help you?" OR "What do you need to help you through this?"