BPDFamily.com

Hello all,
Given I and my NPD husband still live together with my two kids (7 and 10), with arguments on a daily basis, what was your best strategy to avoid conflict? I am getting upset and start argument when he does selfish things I think hurt the kids, but it is possible that seeing an argument between us is even more harmful.
Since there is a little chance we will be physically separated before May, any help with what you find as best strategy to avoid conflict in front of your kids but still protecting them will help.
Thank you!
Freeagain2017

I would recommend separating yourself as much as possible.   Go to a different part of the house.     Spend time away from home, etc.      Kids should not see conflict or they will mimic it.   

Hey, Freeagain.

I am sorry to hear about the chaos in your house. I am still living with my STBxW (uBPD) with our S5 and S11. We do not have daily arguments anymore, but we do have a lot of separation and minimally functional communication. Before deciding to divorce, the thing that brought the extreme crazy dysregulations and fights in front of the kids down to a manageable level was getting to know when I was flooded and taking action on it. Once I began to know the signs that I was shutting down from abuse or anger, I corrected with these actions:
1. Provide brief validation to spouse: "I see you are angry about this."
2. State my boundary: "This conversation is upsetting me. Your feelings are important, but I need to take care of myself now."
3. Reassure: "I will be back in 30 minutes. We can talk about it then."
4. Leave and self-soothe. Take kids with me if I felt they were not safe.
5. Return: Come back when you say you will, and make a decision whether or not to re-engage discussion. I usually found that my wife did not want to.
6. If your spouse is still dysregulating, repeat the steps.

After a while of consistently doing this, they stop acting out because they are not getting the relief that they desire. My wife used to say she didn't want to talk to me because it sounded like I was reading from a script. The important part is that you are doing this for you and your children to not make things worse. Engaging, JADEing, apologizing, agreeing - all of that only makes it worse. If he is being abusive or trying to hurt the kids because of what he is feeling, he is crossing your boundaries. It helps to define those boundaries and get to know them. They are your allies. 

My one word answer is: separating.

I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear.

Before reaching that stage, I tried everything. I set boundaries where I would walk away or ask for a time-out if a discussion was turning into dysregulation. She would respond by yelling after me, chasing me around the house, storming off and slamming doors, and sometimes getting in her car and driving away. There were even times when she would take our daughter with her and use the time to vent about me.

I tried working with her to set a rule about fighting in front of the kid. I even tried getting her to agree to this in an MC session.

I tried working with my daughter to give her some skills to be resilient in these situations, including some joint sessions with her own therapist.

The bottom line was that the only way to get the conflict out of the house was to get my wife out of the house.

I will add that things have been much, MUCH better since we separated (almost a year ago). My wife's opportunities for conflict have been greatly reduced. Not being exposed to this on a daily basis has helped my daughter return to a happier, more resilient baseline. She even talks now occasionally how things are better because she can spend time with either one of us without worrying about the meltdowns.

Accept that you cannot change him.  Likely he is determined that you will not change him.  Likely too he doesn't care what the children see and hear.  Accept that.

Then what?   Determine how you can set more productive boundaries.  Not for him, he won't cooperate.  Strange as it sounds, boundaries for you.  Not that you limit yourself, no, rather you choose to take other actions that are more helpful or at least less unhelpful.

I'm not that good with interpersonal strategies.  (A decade post separation and divorce and I'm still single.)  Can you talk with the children elsewhere at a later time and explain what you feel they need to know?  Validate them on their correct observations and conclusions, reason with them and help them to discern what they really observed and what that means for them, age appropriate of course.