BPDFamily.com

Hello, I would like to introduce myself. I will go by the name Julian on this forum to maintain my anonymity and respect the privacy of my former partner.

My ex fiancée was struggling with mental health issues all through our relationship. This was complicated by the fact that she and I had a long distance relationship for many years. We are from the US, but I was living in another country to study at a top institution.

Eventually, our relationship broke down. I thought about breaking up with her, but did not because she was so scared of being abandoned and because I had promised her, through a marriage proposal, that I would always stick with her. Instead, I decided to give up my school and career opportunity and move home to help her. After I resigned from my position and made all of the arrangements to move, she accused me of doing nothing to help her and not caring about her. We got in a fight on the phone, which ended in her asking me not to communicate with her until I was home. She would not answer my messages or e-mails.

I gave up my dream job and many opportunities, said goodbye to all of my new friends, packed up all of my belongings, and moved home. A day after I arrived in the US, she ended our relationship. It was the worst week of my life.

I have spent the past 10 months hurt, confused, and depressed about what happened. I am struggling to get anything done at my new job. I feel resentment every day that I am working at a terrible job and had to give up so many opportunities because of my decision to help her. I had nowhere to live when I arrived, so I moved back into the house I lived in during graduate school. I feel like everything in my life has been a huge step backwards, and that I no longer have the energy or motivation to try to move forward or improve myself anymore. I have stopped exercising and started over-eating, gaining almost 30 lbs. in less than six months.

I alternate between feeling anger towards her for rejecting my love and support, and anger at myself for the decision I made and for putting myself in this situation.

I have recently found resources and information about BPD. My therapist recommended that I read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells". Many of the descriptions of BPD in this book and the interactions described match my experiences in my relationship. I am not concerned with trying to "diagnose" or "label" my former partner. We have nothing to do with each other anymore. However, reading this book and looking into other resources on BPD has been transformative for me. I was looking for help to understand why the relationship went so wrong and why it ended in the way it did.

I will start looking through what other people have written here. I look forward to useful resources and discussions that may arise from being a member of this site.

Best,
Julian

Hey Julian85, Welcome!  You've come to a safe place to discuss BPD.  I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.  Though I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, in the long run you may find yourself grateful to be out of a BPD r/s. I doubt anything you could have done would have changed the outcome.  You are asking the right question: how did you get in a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place?

There is much to learn from posting on this forum, so keep us up-to-date.

LuckyJim

Hello Julian,

Thank you for sharing how you feel and how you got to this point. Sounds to me like you are handling this process better than you thought would be back then?

Hi, Julian -
I understand how you are feeling. I was with my uBPDsoontobexw for a year and a half. In that time, we moved 5 times (all reasons due to her impulsivity that I went along with, as she had a justification for everything). As a result, I left several good paying jobs and missed promotions that I would have had. I am now broke, was able to beg an old job back (at my old, lower salary) and in an apartment that I can't afford on my own and will have to leave within a month (she is currently in the process of moving out and in with a former ex of hers). Though she is undiagnosed, I'm absolutely certain she has BPD. I'm a strong person, but she has done some significant emotional damage. You're right that it's not really about the diagnosis, but understanding the behaviors that go along with that diagnosis helps to explain why your ex did certain things. And that can help you process what happened. It's natural to ask why. Knowing it's BPD helps explain why. It doesn't change what happened, of course. But it helps with closure... .otherwise your mind can just spin around and around trying to figure out what the heck just happened. BPD happened. You also need to learn more about it so that you can learn to spot the signs in the future and not end up in another relationship like that. I'm so sorry you had to go through it. But you came to the right place for support.

Hi julian85,

*Welcome*

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. That was a very difficult situation, and I can very much understand your feelings of anger and disappointment. In your shoes, I would feel exactly the same way.   

I hope you will be gentle with yourself as you learn more about BPD and your own issues. You did what you did out of love and caring, and in my book, that is not wrong. I know it's cold comfort now, but your heart was in the right place, especially since you couldn't see the big picture like you can now.

Do you have a therapist to help you through this, julian? After my breakup, therapy really helped me to get a handle on what has just happened to me. I felt depressed and confused.

Here is an article that helped me a lot when I first joined the site. Let me know if it resonates with your experience at all:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality)

Keep posting. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

Hey Julian, I believe you are heading in the right direction.

After my breakup, I spent a lot of time here learning about BPD. I had never heard of it. During that period, my focus was entirely on trying to understand my exBPDgf and comprehend what had happened in our relationship. Perhaps that was a necessary part of the process and maybe even useful but, after months and months of that, I realized I was getting nowhere. My attention was stuck on a failed relationship and the fantasy that, if I could figure out what happened, I could fix it and put it all back together again, this time with a happy ending.

My progress toward healing didn't start until I shifted my focus to myself and my role in becoming a partner in my dysfunctional relationship. You might keep that in mind on your journey to regain a happy and healthy life. Possibly, begin by looking into the information on this site and elsewhere on being a "caretaker." Just something to consider.

Hang in there. You've got some heavy lifting ahead but I can already tell you're up to the task. --Monty

Hi everyone, thanks for all your messages. It is great to be part of a welcoming community.

I have been busy so I will keep this update brief; things are going a lot better for me. I've found a new job that I really like, and I've been focussing on taking time for myself right now. I will post more soon.