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Hi All!

I've been having quite a terrible past few weeks.

I'm on a journey to finally repairing a lot of damage done to me via my FOO.

I guess I need help in this, how do you get in touch with your authentic self, and build a life you want free of dysfunction?  How do you take those steps on this journey initially without breaking down.

I'll try not be ashamed of this, I seriously contemplated suicide a few times over these weeks.  I would walk past the train station and just want to throw myself in front of an oncoming train.  I would think, why not?

I guess these feelings come from fear.  I am breaking away from many aspects of my upbringing.  'Religion/culture' being one of them.  I feel like in this journey towards finding myself, I am breaking.  There is a part of my subconscious that tells me, this is too high of a mountain to climb.  There is another part which says that, I do not deserve to be happy and break away from the dysfunction that has tainted my life.  I'm scared that I won't learn new coping mechanisms, and under the weight of all these insights etc, I'll break.

I feel I have two parts in me battling it out.  One is the dysfunctional side, the other is a functional side yearning to live a life I wish I could have.

If I'm honest, I'm scared.  This battle is monumental to me.  I have moments of extreme discomfort, panic like attacks.  Who am I?  How can I escape?  It's hard to explain.

Has anyone else on here started off on this journey and had the same anxieties and worries?

Thanks for all your help guys and gals.  It means a lot!

I feel like I have some idea of what you mean. I did not grow up in an extremely/restrictively religious family, but I know people who have (for instance, my ex), and there were aspects of their stories that I identified with. It's hard to sum up, but my father always had a large group of admirers around him--many of whom lived with us--and I was raised with an idea that he had special qualities. My mother too. These extended to us, their children, but lot of it was predicated on the notion that we didn't need anyone. We were extremely resourceful and self-sufficient, not coddled, adventurous--because to be otherwise was to not belong. Our identity, our belonging, was contingent on hewing to a whole set of values that "normal" people didn't share. I would say, in short, that there was a cult-like quality to my family. It was all personality-based, not institutional, which in a way made my situation more confusing; I couldn't chalk it up to religion, and I didn't understand how compliant I was, well into adulthood, because there wasn't a name for our system of beliefs. But I do feel like I have some understanding of what it would be like to grow up in a very religious family, and how deep those values go, and how hard it is to imagine a self without obedience to them.

The self is there, GTI. It has just had to be very quiet for a long time. Letting go of the obedient, compliant you might feel like walking a high wire without a net. I won't lie and say it's gonna be easy. But I will say this: your fear is a child's fear--the fear of being abandoned, without the protection of your family. They can't protect you anymore anyhow, so be brave. Take a step. The fear is real, but it's also vestigial.

If I have it wrong and this does not ring any bells with you, I apologize.

Thanks for the reply, I needed that!

To he honest, I wouldn't say my upbringing was religious. It's just that, I had a belief in God etc and now I'm much more inclined towards Atheism.

When things would go wrong for me, I would almost fall back on a belief in God. I would be almost childlike, believing that God had a plan and my deregulation was all part of it, to bring me closer to God. When I saw my ex do that, I saw it for what it was, a coping mechanism used to paper over cracks and not deal with the real root causes. That's how I (and many people I know, my eldest brother included) would use God and religion. My eldest brother still does, and I've seen how it has robbed him of a more productive and fruitful life, and now his children are going through it. Whereas before, our parents were needy and controlling, this God is needy and controlling. So in a way, he is continuing the cycle, albeit in a different way.

I certainly feel abandoned. I feel like a child taking those first steps to authenticity all on my own. No validation, no positivity & no helping hand.

The hard part is that, all of my friends come from dysfunctional families (one form or another) and so they don't understand where I'm coming from.

I had a dream last night. I was reliving the trauma of me and my ex breaking up. In the dream, feelings came to the surface that I have been acutely conscious of. Feelings of loneliness, abandonment & isolation. It is these feelings which make it that much harder to break away from the dysfunction, as I feel like I am doing it all on my own.

 

Just an update!

I've come to the realisation (it dawned on me today), that I might be finding it hard to 'function' and move forward, because I have little to no external validation.

I can't help but feel upset about wanting external validation.  Almost like a sign to tell me I'm on the right track re. my career and the 'positive' steps I am taking to get better.  

How do I self validate?  How do I move away from needing external validation?  Or is it healthy/normal to want some kind of external validation, and to receive it?

Hey GrowThroughIt:

The links below to info. on self-validation might be helpful:

SELF-VALIDATION WORKSHEET
https://www.nvpsychology.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Self-Validation-Skills-2013-Fruzzetti.pdf

SELF VALIDATION:
www.tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-validate-be-part-of-your-support-system/

Thanks for the reply!

I will definitely try these techniques!  Perhaps alongside a T though, as I don't feel I'm in the right place to be able to go this alone!