BPDFamily.com

So, I've been struggling with thoughts of what she is doing.

During the relationship my constant thoughts were to make sure she is ok and trying to help her.  It was never really about how I felt.  Anything I wanted in the relationship was never given.  Although I always catered to her needs and wants.

What I am struggling with now is validating myself. 

I am living with my parents right now.  I feel like I can't do anything right.  I keep finding people asking me why I am being so defensive and wondering how to explain my emotions. I don't feel like I'm being so defensive but they all say I am.

I feel like I have so much to work on, based on what my ex said that she didn't like about me, and my life. The fact that I am still living with my parents is agonizing me. I also live with a step parent who has NPD I believe. 

I keep thinking and thinking about our relationship.

This week might confirm I have been right about some things like her being in a relationship.

Toward the end of the relationship she didn't want to call us any label. I suspect she could be "in a relationship" but not calling it anything.  That's why when I've asked her friends if she's dating anyone they say no. Idk if that's a manipulation for me on her part or not. Like is she doing that on propose to hide things from me?

I just can't stop thinking. I want her out of my head.  Luckily I am at the numb stage right now so not seeing her name on the schedule, and thinking she could be dating someone doesn't hurt, but my brain keeps wondering if I am right or not.

I did something I shouldn't have today. I unblocked an old FB friend and asked him if she cheated on me with him cause my mind just wants to know. He said that she didn't. So that's one feeling I had that isn't try.

How do I know when to trust my gut?

Hi Burnerin:

If you find yourself worrying or ruminating on certain things, one mental exercise is to schedule a 30-minute period each day to dedicate to worrying.  This exercise doesn't require extensive journaling, just making a brief list.  When bothersome thoughts enter your mind during the day, write them down.  After they are on the list, make every effort to NOT think about your ruminations until the appointed time.  This exercise can be found in the book, "The Worry Cure",
by Robert Leahy

The information at the following links can be helpful:

MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;all)

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0;all)


The resources below can be helpful
SELF-VALIDATION WORKSHEET
https://www.nvpsychology.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/Self-Validation-Skills-2013-Fruzzetti.pdf 

SELF VALIDATION:
www.tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-validate-be-part-of-your-support-system/

BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS:
A general book that you might find helpful for yourself is:
"The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris
Printouts for exercises related to the book can be found at this website:
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/

The New Year is in your hands.  You can make it a better year.
 

Hi burnerin,

*welcome*

Naughty Nibbler gave you solid advice, I'd just like to add something that comes to mind with worrying. Set 15 minutes aside everyday and utilize that time to worry. That being said.

Do you exercise? I find working out and weight lifting clears my mind, I feel happier and it alleviates stress.

Hey burner,  I hear you going through it.  My brain works the same way.  But you have said you hate living with your parents, which means you might be realizing that the relationship put you there. The relationship is keeping you there.  Not you.  The relationship.  

Your family is there for you? You. Ask them to help you distract yourself.  :)o you play chess, board games, card games?  Get together.  Play and talk, ask them to turn you away from when you lean back to the relationship.  Ask them to tell stories of when you were little.  maybe go out and buy new sneakers.  Get an entire pizza and eat it.  :)o something she didn't like you doing and smile.

Don't be so hard on yourself.  In frank terms, you dodged the car crash.  You are free of that bullsh*t.  Your gut?  It's telling you already.  You can do this burner... .

Reaffirm and validate by reading this... .

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-broken

Hi burnerin.

There is a technique that might help.   It's technical name is a cognitive defusion exercise.   

In cognitive fusion we are caught up in our thoughts, preoccupied with them, and they have enormous influence over our behaviors.   

The exercise goes like this:

You have a thought.    "I miss her."    Sit with that thought for 10 seconds or so.   Give it your full attention.

Now replay that thought with the phrase 'I am having the thought' in front of it.  " I am having the thought that I miss her".   sit with that thought for 10 seconds or so.

and now replay it one more time with the phrase I notice that I am having the thought in front of it, so it becomes "I notice that I am having the thought that I miss her".

the exercise should help detach and create distance from the thought.

there are lots,  of different defusion techniques.   this one comes from ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and Russ Harris.

I hope you find one that works for you.