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When she was drinking (until she had blackouts) she raged at me, then cried, hugged and then pushed me away.
After she got sober in 2010 she did well, the rage was gone and it was getting better and better.
Over time she got more silent and depressed (i believed from a chemo treatment she had in 2013 and begin 2014). But silent and apathic. She didnt drink a drop. Sometimes a harsh remark out of the blue, for instance when i said i loved her , she responded ... .pfff

In the last months it was a lot of silence and it seemed like contempt while i helped her with her treatment and all.
Who has experience with heavy drinking behaviour followed by sobriety? Just thinking, was it borderline or what did hit me? (Wife left almost 3 years ago when i was at work, moved back to USA and ive never heard or seen her ever again)

Just cant get it!

For me it was the opposite. When my wife is drunk her good side comes out. When she is sober the walls are up and the demon is in control.

Hi Jo,

Your story sounds exactly like my experiences.  My exdBPDbf's BPD seemed to disappear when he was sober and he tried very hard to be sober.  When he drank he was terrifying, rages, rants, then the crying and hugging and pushing away exactly as you said.   He was soberish for about eight months then had a massive relapse which is when he left and he became truly scary.   I'm still having a hard time seperating the alcoholism from the BPD.  Alcohol just made him so terrifying but without it sometimes he would be resentful and cold but mostly okay.  It's just messes with your mind so much.  I hope you're doing okay.

I found that the alcohol just intensified my ex.'s behaviours. Many people show their true colours when they loose their inhibitions. Huge difference though between actual reality intensified, and a PWBPD's reality based on their current emotion of the moment! :thought:

Usually he became much more manageable, loving and less labile when he was drinking. This became almost embarrassing toward the end, where I would actively HOPE he would start drinking. It would always snap him out of a dissociative episode and bring him back to the loving, somewhat childlike state where he was the easiest to manage.

Ironically this was when I got completely sober. So here I am, successfully recovering alcoholic , offering to buy or pour my BPD a glass of wine.

This summer it was a major theme. He would get stuck in his non-raging but unchangable anger state. I would just say let's go get dinner and drinks (for you). It almost never failed at helping the situation. Again. Embarrassing. I would be sitting there at 1pm desperately hoping, on the inside, that he would uncork his white wine.

On the rare occasion it would backfire and the alcohol would fuel the demonic state. Oh boy. Watch out. I'd get beat on relentlessly and screamed at with zero limits.

He also liked marijuana, it didn't really fix his mood. But if he wanted to smoke and it had to wait for any reason, he would become so crabby and difficult.