BPDFamily.com

I've recently remarried the love of my life. She has BPD. She left our first marriage after 14 months. I felt tremendously guilty for abandoning someone with illness and I missed her terribly. We crossed paths 7 months later and quickly fell into old habits. I had continued with counseling with hopes that I could adjust my approach to her behaviors. I gave her everything that she wanted, including a remarriage (I'm a big boy and also agreed to the marriage - I wasn't coerced).
3 months into our marriage, all of the old issues resurfaced. We purchased a home (I purchased the home 100% with my savings). On 12/20, 3 weeks after purchasing the home, she contacted an attorney seeking divorce. She informed the attorney that she expected to remain in the new home for 2 years. The attorney, a friend of mine, declined representation and informed me of the email requesting divorce. My wife, the next day, asked me to arrange for additional revisions to the home via the contractor. She then blew up at me when I asked for one of the garage door openers for my car. On 12/22, she emailed me telling me that she wanted me gone, but wanted for me to provide the new home for her for the next 2 years. She requested that I file for divorce. 48 hours later, she emailed me to remind me that she didn't want to divorce, but wanted to work on things.

I'm tired. I love her, but can't trust her. Legally, according to my lawyer, her current request to maintain the home for herself is ridiculous. Unfortunately, my wife could get what she demanded if our marriage were to survive another 6-12 months. This story is only one of many - several per week, if not daily. I don't want to leave her, but everyone - including my friends, family and Christian based marriage counselor say that I have to. I've lost 15-20 pounds and my heart hurts. I'm chasing a butterfly in a tornado.

Welcome Keepcaring:   


I'm sorry about what's happening with your wife, but I think you know what you need to do.  She likely consulted another lawyer and could have learned that she needed to stay in the marriage for another 6-12 months, to get what she wants.

You can't count on anything changing on her part.  I'm assuming there aren't children, so I'll ask if you can see yourself having children with her.  Would you want someone like her as your mother?  Can you see yourself growing old with her, just as she is? 

Sadly, that won't make her behave any better, only lead you to bankruptcy. 

If she left your first marriage, how do you feel you abandoned her?


Your friends, family, Christian counselor and your body are telling you to leave.  Are you still seeing the counselor?  It might be good to quickly explore this issue with your counselor.  How can you refer to someone as the love of your life, if they are abusive to you.  Don't you deserve better?

A piece of advice that I got from a very prayerful church member that I respect a lot,

*Sometimes the marriage vow is used as a weapon (by the BPD spouse), because the BPD spouse knows that you will allow yourself to be abused so that you keep the wedding vows in tact.    

I guess you could say it is like Econ class dealing with inelastic demand of illegal drugs... . no matter what the price you pay(the abuse you take), you will continue to buy (stay married).  The abuser knows that and will continue to push the limits.  

That same person told me, leaving your wife might be the most loving thing to do.  

Thank you - the advice provided echoes what I've heard before. I'm continuing to see our marriage counselor, but as an individual. I feel as if I'm abandoning her because I'm a health care professional and I know I wouldn't even think about divorce if she had a physical illness and not a mental one. She left me the first time, but I filed for divorce.
Lastly, we're in our mid 40's, so no more children. She does have a 17 y/o daughter (high school junior) for whom I care a great deal and can not imagine the pain and confusion that she's going through. I'm desperately reaching for rays of light, but I keep returning to the same conclusion.

KeepCaring:
I'm glad to hear that you are still seeing a counselor on your own.  If time is of the essence, in regard to assets, you might want to initiate legal proceedings.  You can always cancel them down the road, but I'm thinking that if you miss a date (to initiate something), then you have consequences to deal with.

You deserve to be happy.  

PS:  A couple of months ago, there was a pastor who had a thread on one of the relationship boards.  His wife was BPD and she was running a smear campaign about him within the church.  It was a heartbreaking situation.  You can't pray it away.  Sometimes God sends us a message on what we need to do to save ourselves from further torment.  Might the collective advice you have received be that?