BPDFamily.com

Hello Everyone,

It's been over a year since  I realized how disordered my uBPDm  and uNPDf were and decided to severely limit contact.  My dh was on board with no longer visiting because their home was detrimental to my physical health (asthma).  I had decided that I didn't want to speak on the phone to either of them because my uNPDf would only complain about my uBPDm and take no interest in my life.  I didn't want to speak to my mom because she would get all weepy on the phone.  She can't even read a children's story without crying.  Her voice is very triggering to me.  I decided to limit contact to email or snail mail.  A few times she would call and  I would feel terrible after hearing her voice on voicemail.  Snail mail was easy, but if I sent an email and didn't hear back it would trigger abandonment feelings?  Feelings like I don't matter at all to them.  They received the emails; they just didn't reply.  I know because when I would attempt again a week or so later, I would ask if they received the pictures that I sent of the kids. They did.   After some healing, I was able to pick up the phone this summer when they called and not be triggered.  My husband was so proud of me.  I'm not.  I don't care if I ever speak to them again.  I think that would be best, actually.  I decided I would no longer email them or send cards except for a gift at Christmas because of how triggering no response from them was on email. I sent an impersonal gift- I suppose solely to keep up  appearances to extended family that may see it. It didn't bother me to send a gift.  Then my father calls on the home phone on Christmas.  We weren't home.  My husband and younger son wanted me to call him back.  I didn't want to and said I had already wished them a Merry Christmas (with the gift note).  My father called my cell the day after and said on voicemail  (I didn't hear the phone ring) that they hadn't heard from me in a while and to call when I got a chance.  I didn't want to.  More pressure from dh.  "it's Christmas! you HAVE to"  So, I caved and called back.  No answer... .Not even the machine.  So I sent an email to make dh happy.  I have now spent the last 4 days regretting sending the email because I once again feel shunned, abandoned, unimportant, etc and can't stop thinking about it.  I told dh to stay out of my relationship or lack thereof with my FOO.  To top it off dh didn't call his own mother on Christmas! 

Hi MoreGuilt, 

Welcome back! I'm really sorry that you are having siuch a struggle right now. It sounds as if you feel more content in being NC or VLC, and yet there are those around you who are pressuring you to do something different. Only you can truly know what works well for you and is most healthy for you long term.

As I read your post, there does seem to be this push/pull going on, yet I'm not sure who is doing it? DH and son? Your disordered parents? You? It can be all of these to be honest, because it is truly a great struggle to come to a true sense of peace with where we need to be. It is not an easy choice for you to make, nor would it be for me if I were in your shoes. My uBPDm had so many expectations and I felt them heavily. Then I began to realize that I also projected those feelings of expectation upon my DH too. An ironic twist that irritated me. Now I am allowing myself greater freedom to realize I can choose for myself and not feel pressured to yield to someone else's wishes. Obligation still tends to catch me and trip me up, but sometimes I do better.  :) It is tricky but you can find that place too.

Do you think obligation is driving you to reach out to them? I will include a link for you that may provide some helpful understanding. Go down a bit into the article and look for the section "Attachment Status of Children." You may find some validation for you there although the entire article is good.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/have-your-parents-put-you-risk-psychopathology  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/have-your-parents-put-you-risk-psychopathology)

 
Wools

Hi Wools

I am so much happier since going VLC.  MY FOC has noticed.  I am much healthier and am even working a little again.

I think the push/ pull is from my disordered parents.  I think they pull when society expects them to, like at Christmas, or maybe if someone inquires about me, but they really don't want to be close to me.  My mother announced to me and my siblings when I was about 8, that we all needed to move out when we were 18.  We were all playing nicely at the time. I remember it vividly.  When I was 14 she told me that I was all grown up and didn't need her to be my mom anymore. 

I think my husband and son are parroting societal expectations to maintain contact, especially at the holidays, and then I feel Obligated.  I do better ignoring my husband's advice to call, but my son... .  Will he think it's OK not to call me when he's an adult?  I FEAR the example I am setting.

I felt chronically ignored by my parents growing up.  Having my emails ignored triggers those horrible feelings from people who are supposed to care.

I can very much identify with the article.  Thank you. 

 
MoreGuilt