BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

Just signed up a few minutes ago and thought I'd share my story. I haven't had a chance to really even look around here yet, but I'm hoping for the best. I really need some understanding and support.

My story starts about 17 years ago when I met a woman who was like none I had ever met before. Smart, beautiful, so easy to get along with, and within a couple of weeks we had practically moved in together. Still, when I look back I always knew something wasn't quite right.

The first "huh?" moment happened about 2 or 3 months in - she was reading my email while I was out of town, trying to prove I was cheating.  About 6 months in, she accused me of hurting her dog on purpose. The list goes on - and each time, I just wrote it off as "stress" or "anxiety."

Two years from the day we met, we were engaged. We fought bitterly about the wedding details. My fiancee lost her job - she was in a field that was directly affected by the recession after 9/11. She decided it was best she withdraw from the workforce. After all, she WAS getting married to me, right?

Three years from the day we met, we were married. I was blamed 100% for the fact that it put us tens of thousands of dollars in debt.

Six months later we bought a house together. I broke the faux chandelier the day we moved in.  I was the most careless person that ever existed, and because of the debt (that I am solely responsible for), how was I going to pay to fix it, she asks.

Three years after we buy the house, and hundreds of arguments later, my wife announces that she's leaving me. She seeks out an ex-boyfriend, finds out he lives on the other side of the country. A month later, she buys a plane ticket and flies out to sleep with him. It worked out for her. So another month later and she's packed and out the door. Sure, I said, I don't mind dealing with the process of shipping out all your belongings and running the processes of selling the house.

But the thing is, I didn't. I realized that taking care of her gave me purpose. And without her there, I started to crack. So a few months after she left, I started calling her up. Pulling her back. Convincing her I'm the best. And it worked so well that when she inevitably ended her relationship with ex-boyfriend, she came back, just like I had asked.

And then history repeats. She demands a new wedding band, and while she's at it a new engagement ring. We need to take more vacations because she missed her favorite places while she was away. We need a BIGGER house this time, in a more expensive neighborhood. Because I WAS going to give her children, right? And maybe I might consider not forcing her to break up with me again? And be a more stable provider? And stop being so abusive?

I had asked her back. I wanted it. Now how could I go back and say "oops, sorry!" The truth is, I couldn't. So I gave in.

About 3 or 4 years ago we had our daughter. The most wonderful person you'll ever meet. I worry about her every day. She's the biggest and maybe only reason I'm not out the door. I can't imagine spending less than every second with her.

I saw a therapist about 7 years ago who said "you need to read Stop Walking on Eggshells." That was the first time I ever realized that I might be dealing with BPD / NPD issues. I couldn't process what it meant fast enough. I still stayed, I still had a child with her. And the debt problems never went away - I'm facing the very real probability of bankruptcy in the next few months. I have a very well paying job.

So here I am - stuck in the decision-making stage. Stay and make a go at enforcing boundaries and deflecting abuse? Or leave, and figure out a life with shared custody and lawyers but freedom and new things?

Thanks for listening. I am hopeful having found this place. I look forward to my time here.

DB

Hey DaddyBear77, Welcome!  Your story is quite familiar to me, as I suspect it will be for many.  I'm sorry to hear what you have been through and are going through.  I've been there, my friend.  No, the problems don't go away in a BPD marriage, do they?  Your loyalty to your daughter is admirable and understandable, and she is obviously a factor in any decision you make.  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  It's easy to lose oneself in a BPD r/s and important to change the focus back to you, i.e., to make yourself the priority again.  While you're figuring it out, try to take good care of yourself, OK?

LuckyJim

Hi DB, just wanted to say hi. I also registered today and I'm facing the same decision as you. I've been with my uBPDw for 12 years. First 3 years living together, then 2 years engaged, 5 years married and now last 2 years parenting together our 2 wonderful little boys who obviously are my everything.

I haven't yet posted my introduction. I will do it when she's not at home. She'll get restless if she hears me typing too much (anybody else got this problem?). I think they suspect we chat online or do something else suspicious they need to know about. It's a great idea to also keep 2 separate browsers open at the same time so you can switch quickly if she comes into room. This is what my life has become... I feel sorry for all those men who may never be able to even get to computer at home since their BPD partners insist they spend all remaining free time with her. I'm sure there exists such people. In a way we are lucky.

I'm happy I found this site. I know she can never identify me from here so I can be pretty open about what I tell about our relationship.

Look forward to hearing more from you DB! Let us know how your New year Eve went for example?

LuckyJim - thanks for the reply. Yes, I am trying very hard to listen to my own feelings on this and "turn down the volume" on the other stuff: "If I decide to leave, what will she do? She'll be devastated!" "If I decide to stay, how will I deliver the impossible requests she's asking for?"

Krato - as I'm typing this, I hear the floorboards creaking upstairs. I'm prepared at a moments notice to shut down my "incognito" window, take a couple deep breaths, and pretend like nothing happened. I used to spend a lot of time trying to tap out message board posts on my iPhone while I was in the bathroom. The frustration of doing that prevented me from really making contact with anyone. I'm nervous about my first post because it's something that she could read and probably recognize our story, but if it gets to that point, well, I've actually been there before. She knows that at one point I was so convinced she had uBPD that I shared it on a one-on-one session with her therapist. What she DOESN'T know (or doesn't admit), that her therapist went as far as she could to confirm the issues without actually violating any legal boundaries.

Ah, the joys of BPD and NPD - great to meet you both, and looking forward to my time here.

Hey DB, I used to post here in secret, too, which is one way to relieve the stress.  So do what you need to do to keep the channels of communication open, i.e., Make sure to cover your tracks.  To me, the issue is not whether she will be devastated if you decide to leave; rather, the issue is what is the right path for YOU and greater happiness.  Suggest you continue to listen closely to your own intuition, including those gut feelings that may have been long drowned out by all the noise.  You know what I mean, right?  That's the place to start, in my view.

LuckyJim

Hello, and welcome!

Please stick around and keep sharing your story. You will find support and help, whatever path you choose to take.


This your decision, but let me put some perspective toward your choices here.

If you leave, you will have to deal with first a custody battle (which can be protracted), then still deal with your ex until your daughter is grown.

The only way you can completely escape her abusive and manipulative behavior would be to give up on your daughter completely, and that clearly isn't something you are willing to do.

Work on tools like boundary enforcement today. Whether you stay or you go, you will need them. Even as you consider whether to leave or not, consider posting over on the "Improving" or "Saving" boards to work on what you can do to make things better.


Hint: While you are still there, the best question for you is not "How do I deliver the impossible requests?" Try "How do I respond to impossible or unreasonable demands?" instead.