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I was abruptly kicked to the curb this Christmas after learning my uBPDx fiancé proposed to another women who lives out of state from his hometown of Texas. We had a disagreement after Thanksgiving which I could not understand why he blew it so out of proportion... .obviously, he needed to justify his soon to take place actions with this new woman. Oh, he still text me daily - but I did not see him for two weeks with the one being his trip to Texas and a ring given to a woman he had only been communicating with and building a relationship with via FB... .no prior time spent together... .we live in CA... .

While he was on this trip he did text me one night to ask if I was still up... .I did not reply... .Then on his return we text generalities. By the middle of the week he text me and indicated he missed me... .I thought he was finally ready to get past the disagreement and move on... .boy was I wrong... .

I found out the day prior to Xmas Eve by learning he removed me from FB. I set up a second account and "wham" there he is in full color with a new woman who is clearly not me... .We we engaged right up to Thanksgiving and I assumed until this discovery although after Thanksgiving weekend, he was furious with me because I was upset his son threw my freshly washed dog from the groomer's outside in the rain. We came home from a trip and the dog was scratching to get in cold, filthy and shivering. I was upset and explained I did not understand... .it was not right... I knew his passive/aggressive son did it because he does not like my sweet spaniel and his father backed him up saying his son told him that he had picked him up that way... .I just looked at him and said it was not true... .grabbed my things and drove home.

He has all of the classic BPD traits, but I could never have seen this action coming in a million years... .I now realize it was the end of this relationship for him with so many break-ups and make-ups. The target of his rage against me was my child's father whom he was insanely jealous because we co-parent well together. He wanted to destroy the healthy relationship we worked hard to develop. He must have needed another woman in place before he could get rid of me... .a FB based relationship to replace me... .

The shock of seeing his arm around another woman and the ring on her left hand knocked the breath out of me... .this was a man I loved genuinely and believed based on his assurances and actions felt the same life committing love. I have looked once at their photo that I stumbled across on FB and I will not look, again. The smile on her face did not reach to her eyes and his smile did not look genuine in their engagement photo. It all looked very forced and my first thought after my initial shock was "they do not like right nor like a truly happy couple in love." Oh, and my FB profile still had our happy smiling faces with the light shining in my eyes posted for the world to see... .I really was blindsided.

At Thanksgiving he had been telling his cousin that we were planning to get married during the summer and that I was such a beautiful, amazing woman who had stood by him even after he had put me through some serious hurt due to his own issues. If I had only known then, that there was way worse much much worse hurt to come... .nope, I just smiled and beamed inside as I thought he has made such amazing strides in overcoming his intense fear of abandonment and trust insecurities in general. I was so happy inside for standing by him as proof of my loyalty and genuine love... .in sickness and in health... .

The irony is that he has done this before. While he had another woman living with him here in CA he struck up a FB relationship with a woman from Texas who was his middle school sweetheart... .I guess chaste 7th grade kisses and FB make for a lifetime of love. In this situation, the women living with him was much younger... .it was easier to get rid of her by taking her to visit with her father on Father's Day weekend and then simply never pick her up again... .she did not drive... .So, now he was free to pursue his new idealized fantasy... .he flew to Texas, got engaged and married her all within under a month. His family did not even know and they were shocked and angry. After putting the ring on it, he broke up not even a year later and sent her back to Texas because he decided in his mind that she had been unfaithful and filed for divorce, only to change his mind again and take her to Maui six months later including bringing her things back from Texas after that trip to California... .it didn't even last a week. This time it was for good... .but with a lot of financial monies paid by him... .yes, no prenup... .

When we started dating... .He painted a very disturbing tale about his ex wife from Texas and given his family did not like her, I assumed this was nothing out the ordinary other than why did he marry her when they literally had only spent less than a week together prior to his going back to Texas to marry her a few weeks later? His answer, "Stupidity". He just wanted to be loved, knew a very young woman was not the answer and thought knowing her from where he grew up well it would work... .I bought it... .

See he works -- quite a bit from 5 am to 7 pm and goes in on Saturdays for a bit... .He is a hard worker and functions with his BPD at work for which I give him great credit... .so regular and/or conventional means of dating were not working. I was the one Outlier... .he met me at youth base ball games we both attended... .His sole issue with our relationship as mentioned was his highly irrational jealousy over my son's father. I have an excellent co-parenting relationship with him. Our first and only thoughts, any texts or conversations are only related to our child. This had not come easily. It took time, but I knew that our child needed to thrive and we had to put aside our feelings about us as a couple to make that happen. I have zero interest in him other than as a good co-parent to our son. I am happy for his new life, my son's two new sisters, his wife who genuinely cares for my son like one of her own. And her family, who is large and gives him all of the large family experiences that I cannot. It makes me happy for him. My parents are both gone and I am completely on my own. I am good at it, but when it came time to move and I did not have my now ex-fiance around my sons dad helped me make a local move with his wife's knowledge. I literally have and/or had no one else to ask. This man knew all of this... .I was honest... I was just working, taking care of my son and getting him to activities. Trying to do my best. My son's father tried to engage this man, he thanked him for playing a role in our childs life, he was appreciative... .he explained he just wanted our son to feel comfort and love from the people in his life... .he was genuine and never spoke ill about this man ever... .however, all of it was met with a smile and foul anger towards me after... .

I did take action eight months ago and took a good job in Irvine. Primarily to see if he could get a handle on his really crazy irrational jealously about my son's father. I was just learning about BPD and thought I needed to set a significant boundary. I got an apartment, working during the week and spending my weekends with him. But, the issue was always there including him leaving my son and I in Cooperstown NY in the middle of the night during my boys tournament we had been planning since he was 6... .why? because my son's father flew in for one day to watch him play... .there were less outburst's over my son's father.

He professed that he knew my son's father needed to be a part of his life and that he needed to accept that and trust me, but he would be fine to only become enraged, again... .I had to pull back in September, but he text everyday and finally wore me down promising he would get it together because I was everything to him. What I should have seen as a red flag was that all of a sudden he was not rabid in trying to check my phone for texts  as proof of my wrongdoing, that he did not text me and/or expect me to text as non stop as in the past and he did not flip out over my son's father... .I thought he made amazing progress and was so happy with this change in his behavior... .little did I know it was because he had already transferred his idealization to this FB woman in Texas... .what I thought was healing was actually his starting to abandon ship.

When confronted, he mumbled out it was not an engagement ring... .ok... .well promise ring and quite nice... .I did not get a ring until after we had dated 9 months... .she got one on his first trip to she her... .it is all a bit mental. Then he explained that we were in this situation because of my son's father and my allowing him to control me... .I told him to stop making side excuses given he was with another woman, but still was professing feelings for me and to my knowledge we were still a couple and engaged... .what the hell? I asked him if it was his choice to be with someone else why still be in contact with me... .he remained quite for over a minute and said "I don't know". I told him I was done.

I have had no contact with him since. He tried to call me once, but I am certain it was only because he was being called out on his BS... .I did not answer... .He took my car off his auto policy, but emailed me after the fact. I spent today getting insurance. I have a lot of items at his house... .things of value, but greater things of sentimental value my grandmother's recipes some over 100 years old... .I am just walking away. If I can find someone to contact him on my behalf to arrange to get my items that may be a possibility, but I cannot ever go back to that house myself.

The hardest thing is to go from a life with contact, texts and phone calls to nothing... .silence that is deafening... .and the knowledge that the person you believed to be your best friend was never that ever... .you just meant nothing... .and those words of love, loyalty and life commitment were just that words... .you were good for awhile no more than two years though and same rages as with his ex... .also two years... .I am trying to heal, but the hurt these people shovel out with no feelings of remorse is devastating... .I always thought he would get over what ever craziness he felt about my son's father and that those break ups were just a part of him and I was the patient, loving partner just waiting for him. He always came back... .this time he is not coming back and I have to let go.

Deen

Hi M_jordan 

Discovering another relationship by a partner through an investigation through FB can make us feel hurt and betrayed. When there's a sharp difference in the amount of time you spent versus the amount of time the other party spent creating the relationship with the upwBPD, then it can make these feelings of hurt and betrayal much worse.

I can only imagine, if I saw my ex partner, while freshly "broken up" with her, to see her engaged to another man--this would knock the wind out of me too.

It helped me when I found other partners of pwBPDs going through the same thing. My ex started her replacement relationship before the "end" of her relationship with me. When I heard stories of how other pwBPD partners moved from one relationship extreme to the next in a very short space of time, I didn't feel so alone anymore. It helped me to see that it much less an indication of my performance than it is the other person's. This was comforting to me.

I hope you're feeling better and I hope you share how your recovery happens for you.  :)