BPDFamily.com

Hello. This is my first post. I've just been broken up with and characteristically "abandoned" by my BPD partner. If it matters, or helps to give context, I'm gay, we're both women. If this is a problem for anyone, please refrain from any nasty comments. I'm just not up to it right now. I'm gutted. I'm bargaining, I'm pleading, I'm devastated. I know I'm not doing anything right for me in terms of being mentally healthy. I know because this isn't my first partner with BPD. Has anyone been here before. I can't believe after all the craziness I went through, it's happening again. I didn't recognize the symptoms until we had an argument and she completely detached. I've only known one other person with this ability. My last partner with BPD. I re-read material I hadn't thought would ever be relevant again. I remember the same lightbulb going on as I read through the symptoms and behaviours. It was like puzzle pieces finally falling in to place. My last BPD partner was diagnosed and began dialectical therapy. We remained friends for a time and then the friendship broke up. My recent partner is brilliant. She doesn't know she has BPD. She threw me out 2 days before Xmas. I spent it alone, watching Netflix and crying. I don't want to abandon the relationship altogether, she has three young children I adore and they adore me. I feel like I want to try and tell her or show her an excerpt of things that would help her understand what's going on but I know that's also part of my bargaining... .Hoping she can just "get it". I knew the signs and I got sucked in again. I'm so angry with myself. I'm 44 and feel like it's too late for me to find someone. Honestly, I'm a wreck. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this to strangers. I've never reached out like this before. I've never participated in a forum. I don't know what else to do. I'm scared and I'm lost and I'm alone. I feel like I'm losing ground, not gaining and I don't want to slip any further. Is there something wrong with me? How could I have more than one BPD girlfriend? Why didn't I see the signs? I'm so sad.
If anyone can help, I'd be grateful.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I apologize for any "Swyping" errors. I just couldn't read this again to check for errors
J.

Hello J

First of all 44 is not too old to find some one else. I hav found that I have a habit of finding partners with BPD. Think about it do the relationships happen fast and furious? Are they easy to get ito? Yes
Also it sounds like you have a fix it type of personality. You are worried about the partners kids. You also hope your partner will get. You are hoping and trying to fix some thing that probably cant be fixed. It took me 26 years to realize this. Take some time and heal and move on. You have your whole life ahead of you.

Hi Blackbirdblue,

   Welcome to the forum - I'm glad you found it. I think you'll find that no one here will have a problem with your sexuality - there are both gay and straight people that post here all the time.  

And if it helps: I am a woman who was in a r/s with a woman, although I identify as bisexual. No one has ever given me a hard time about it.  |iiii

I have been involved with two women with BPD. It's a crushing realization - but also a hopeful one. Once you begin to see your patterns you can begin to explore them. I did it in therapy, which was very useful. I've discovered that the reasons for my choice of unstable partners stretches back to family of origin ("FOO" issues.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain - everyone knows how devastating the loss of these relationships (r/s's) are. Their end is somehow worse than "normal" r/s's. For me (and others here that I've read about), their ending opens up a core wound that stretches back into childhood. I know that's what happened to me - I cried like a baby for months.

There are lots of great resources here that will help you process what you've been through. I found it really helpful to read and read and read in order to make sense of the chaos I had lived through. Eventually, however, my focus shifted off her and towards myself - to discover why I chose the r/s's and continued to stay after things became emotionally abusive.

It sounds like you're already there. Please keep posting, you'll find lots of helpful advice and validation from the members here.

 

(BTW, someone else posted a similar question about a month ago; you may find it helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=303326.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=303326.0) )

Welcome J.

I am sorry to hear about the pain you are going through, especially tough considering the timing.
It doesn't work to try and get them to see their disorder, especially the higher functioning PWBPD, they just project it back to you.
You sound like a kind, caring, compassionate rescuer type who likes to help people, great qualities that are very beneficial if your partner can reciprocate; I believe the healthiest relationships happen when BOTH partners put the other first.



Exact same for me, once we learn enough about BPD we need to learn why we were affected by it.

Dear J,
  Yes,  I went from a breakup with one BPD partner into a relationship with another.  I was enormously vulnerable and he was very good at hiding his true personality. 
  I didn't know anything about personality disorxers or that so many people were floAting around out there waiting for a golden opportunity to use an enabler like me.  I was zo naive, so trusting, so easily manipulated!  It is pretty common to.fall into the pattern.  My upbringing included a perfect storm to set me up for it.
   Good news,  I have come to recognize red flags early on and self-care by just not Allowing those people too close in the first place.  Unlike before, I don't feel obligated to relieve the feelings of others at my own expense.  While I will be there for a true friend (actions, not words)  I do not get too close too fast. 
  So, learn about yourself... .what parts of the little girl inside were lost long ago?  What parts do you reject because someone else said they were unacceptable, ugly or unlovable?  Find them, reclaim them.  Then claim your birthright... .the right to respect and your own boundaries.  It will be ok.