BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I've tried to think a lot about MY behaviors and what I could change, because it's clear to me that I cannot ever change  my uBPDw / uNPDw.

Something I've done quite constantly is encapsulated in the following pattern:
1. I'm accused of a thought or behavior.
2. I deny I would ever think / do something so outrageous
3. uBPDw screams "you always invalidate me" and/or "you're in denial", etc
4. Eventually I give in, and that means lying about my true feelings / self.

That cycle has repeated almost daily for many years.

I'd like to make a bold change here, and I THINK the most obvious change is to tell the truth, be honest, and do it for myself, and not for her.

This is much easier said that done, so if anyone has advice and especially experience with this, I would love to hear it.

DB

What you are doing is JADEing (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining)?  BPD don’t take kindly to that.  They don’t hear what you are saying.  They are hearing a personal attack.  One suggestion is that the Non doesn’t take the accusation or complaint personally and just tries to acknowledge or validate the BPD’s feelings and let it all blow over, so it doesn’t blow up.  Not easy to do, but it helps if the non can view the BPD with empathy, perhaps as an intensely suffering loved one or as a mental invalid, and help the BPD get the feeling out like a controlled burn.  If your BPD is responsive to this slow burning, it should be encouraged.  Some nons can’t or won’t do this and some BPD are unresponsive no matter what the non does.   In those cases, I’ve found honesty is often the best policy for me in the long run, simply JADEing what I need to say without any fear or guilt, especially if I strongly disagree, and then enforcing boundaries and instituting consequences for acting out.  It is always better to be true to oneself, because at the end of the day our life is the only one we have.  Overtime I’ve learned to use a mixture of these approaches to make a better life for myself.

The cold hard reality my friend is that your truth usually does not match up with the BPD's truth. Your reality does not match up with the BPD's reality. And so on and so on. This is the crux of crazy making. Even if you are honest, the BPD will not necessarily believe you. In the end, you must do what you do according to your character and personal values.

This was one of my hot button issues... .

I tried "honesty" aka step 2, denying what I wasn't doing. Like you, I didn't get satisfactory results 

I was raised with a very strong value of honesty, so I never gave in the way you did in step 4... .but I'm pretty sure that you aren't liking those results either.

What worked best for me was saying this:

"I will not participate in a discussion when you are telling me what I think or feel."
(and whatever I had to do to back up enforcing that boundary)

I also expanded upon it with this explanation once or twice... .but as is usually the case, enforcing the boundary (not discussing, not engaging) is far more productive than giving the reason why.

You cannot literally read my mind. You do not know what I'm actually thinking or feeling. If I was thinking what you say I was thinking, you don't really know. Further, if I stop thinking that way, you won't know that I've stopped. If I'm accused of thinking something bad about you, there is absolutely nothing either you or I can do to prove myself either innocent or guilty of this.

I think I've also added that if you want to ASK what I'm thinking or feeling, I could share that. But if I'm being TOLD what I'm thinking or feeling, the conversation is over.

My 2 cents on this.  If your goal is best outcomes, honesty is not always the best policy.  That is why lying is attractive as it offers a way out of difficult situations.  People choose a lifestyle of honesty because they believe it is morally the right thing to do regardless of the personal consequences of telling the truth.