BPDFamily.com

Sitting home alone with a cold, listening to the radio. 2017 rolls in in eight minutes. Argentinian singer Mercedes Sosa's 'Gracias a La Vida', (expresses sincere thanks to life both with all its hardships and blessings) just came up. That was too much for me, I broke down for the umpteenth time this evening.
This year has been incredibly intense, with my mother falling ill with cancer in February, with a long uncertain journey towards surviving. She made it but we didn't know anything certain until September, which is not long ago.  

And then the extremely gruelling relationship with my now ex uBPDgf. It's been such a dark roller coaster ride, with occasional rays of light. How did I survive this.

I have so many things to process - the chaos and ecstacy I experienced with my ex, intertwined with my mother's illness and the uncertainty connected to that. Then my mother's recovery. And now the break-up.
There's only one word: overwhelming.

I've had no control whatsoever this year. It's made me feel very very small in many aspects. Right now the hurt inflicted by the r/s and mum's cancer dominates my feelings and thoughts. Even though I know I got out of the r/s in time and that my mum survived.

I wasn't supposed to sit alone today but this cold and exhaustion took over. Still. This NYE is better than last one.
Hope you're fine out there.

Hi Keef,

It sounds like you have had quite a year, well done for getting through it. I am on my own tonight as well as my BPD partner and I need some space from each other. I am trying to look at the positive of being on my own tonight and allowing me the space to heal and get to know who I am again. I feel similar to you with such feelings of being overwhelmed and I feel like in particular I need to be on my own tonight in order to start the new year. I have had a couple of wobbles, and I expect in an hour I might shed some tears, but I have found this forum an incredible support.
Know you are not on your own and tomorrow is a new day like any other, but maybe also the start of something so much better.

Louise

I am with you my friend. Stay strong. 2017 will be much better. Prayers for your mom.

Hello Keef,

I too am alone this NYE. I chose to be alone so I can sort out my issues of starting a new and better life in 2017. You can do the same. I am finding the forum incredibly supportive and informative. I no longer feel alone because of my relationship with an ex BPD wife of 26 years. I suggest you read some of the other posts and information that is offered through this post. Just realizing that other people have suffered the same as me with BPD partners has given me a great amount of strength. I think back and remember all the anxiety and hyper vigilance states that I lived through. I can truly say that I am healing and looking forward to moving on with my life in a positive direction. Thank You to all the people that make this forum possible. Good Luck Keef

Hoping this year's better than the last. A favorite band of mine as a song about that.
https://youtu.be/rk3KH46dy3w

Anyways, I was there last NYE. I'm there this NYE as well. 2016 was the first full year I spent truly separated from my wife, and it was easier than the one before. I felt myself thriving during some of it, but certainly not all of it. Not now. It is a quiet and lonely time for me. Yet it was better than 2015, at least. Here's hoping for more from 2017.

Keef.
I too am alone, right after thanksgiving i moved out after a huge argument about me cheating, not true but her thought is true to her, no matter what facts are true as she reinvents the facts, i spent Christmas alone and will spend nye and my dob alone, time to think of your self, I get that its hard as hell, that does not even do it justice, i do miss her and the girls, remember this place is full of positive responses and helpful support.  Luck Jim sent some meaningful messages my way. Be strong and think of yourself.

In the words of Morrisey - It takes Guts to be Gentle and Kind.

Tonight was 3 full days of non-contact, the longest in three years.  3 days of peace. 3 days of pain and sadness. I spent the night with a good friend at my parents talking about her and me and how I felt. She said halfway through, you are so much calmer than a few days ago. Im still in this, but even this little brief peace has made me feel that much better. 

When we were saying goodbye, I jokingly said "what are the odds on a drunken phonecall or sad drunken diatribe?"  She laughed.  20 minutes later.  Completely unintelligible people yelling something I can assume was mocking or maybe even joking.  I stayed on the line a few seconds, saying nothing, let it go and hung up.
It's somebody else's problem now. It will never be hers. It's only mine as much as I let it.

Happy New Year.