Print Page - two peas in a pod

   The best friend I have ever had in the world is the woman I call my wife. She and I are quite a pair. She's 12 years older then me. A southern gal. I'm a 40 year old man from northern Michigan. She studied aviation in college and I studied art and filmmaking. Despite numerous differences in our background life, she and I are a lot alike - our odd sense of humor and personalities, tastes in music, movies, our outlook on life and our free-spiritedness. (We’re both a couple of weird Chrisppies) When we do get along we get along beautifully and I absolutely adore her. I truly believe she is a gift from heaven and she came into my life at just the right time when I needed help getting off of a deep dark path I was on. We've been married 3 years. I am coming up soon on a year of sobriety. I haven't went a year without a drink or drug since High School.

   She has drank a total of 2 times since I've known her and according to her she had been 7 years sober when we met, although, according to her, alcohol abuse was in her past to some degree. She doesn't tell me much about her past life. She likes to “stay in today.” Getting her to try and talk about her past when she’s not ready or in the mood to is like playing with fire. So I’ve learned not to go there.

   In my sobriety, as I have become clearheaded and more mindful, it has come to my attention that not only she, but possibly I also, both suffer from BPD. One major difference is that I have been making improvements in my behaviors - before ever realizing this may be my problem.

   BPD was mentioned to me many years ago at the height of the worst years of my drinking. But it was induced by alcohol. That was the thought anyway. In my youth and teens I had a pretty stable upbringing. But years of alcohol abuse since late college had invited a lot of drama and trauma into my world and I was not handling it well. I know that years of drinking and many years of failure, betrayal, trauma and depression had messed my brain up and kindled crazy behavior. I would act out a lot. Fly into a rage over seemingly nothing. I was also diagnosed bi-polar and told I have Asperger’s Syndrome. But so much of these negative behaviors have dulled or subsided in recent years as I have strived to get healthy and quit abusing my mind and body. Today I have a relative peace of mind that was unprecedented in my life.

   Looking back I see I have exhibited a lot of BPD symptoms. (at times I still feel an urge to, but I do not, for the most part, because these are the very behaviors I have purposed to change, with the help of God). My wife and I are both Christians. She says she’s been a lifelong one, and I too was raised that way but fell away from my faith after college and was a lost soul for many years before coming back to the faith. Shortly after I did, I met K. Our faith in Jesus I feel is something we both have going for us as we purpose to live a life based on love, mercy, grace, kindness and forgiveness.

   One major difference however between my walk and her’s is that she is not willing to even admit she has a psychological problem, let alone take steps to manage behaviors - because she simply isn’t aware of them. She will occasionally admit to little goof ups, and maybe ask for an apology (though they always seem somewhat conditional on my asking for an apology too). However, when I call her out on bigger things she denies it ever even happened or flat out lies. I haven't even mentioned BPD to her because I can already imagine the reaction: denial, resentment, defensiveness, anger… She has stated that she related when I told her I have Asperger’s Syndrome and to my surprise, even though she was never diagnosed, she stated she thinks she too may be an “Aspie” and I think there is some evidence there validate that.

   As for treatment for any of these things however, her ears simply won’t receive anything that has to do with “psychobabble.” I have mentioned marital counseling in the past and she wants nothing to do with it. She won’t see a therapist or even a doctor. She suffers from migraines and fybromyalgia and won’t even so much as take an asprin, let alone anything that might help her cognitive functioning.

   In the past she has slapped me across the face several times, threw various objects at me, struck me with others including hitting me with a vacuum cleaner across my back. She’s called the police on me and involved neighbors and friends into the drama to hear her side, not mine.

   In fairness, I must insist that you bear in mind that during some of these occasions I myself was exhibiting BPD symptoms as well, and at times alcohol was a factor. However, it was because of her erratic - often maddening - behaviors that I was provoked and driven to my own abusive behaviors. Things that I never in a trillion years would have thought I was capable of being provoked to do. We have brought out the best and the worst in each other. One time I slapped her across the face because I knew she was going to do it to me again so I made a preemptive strike. I immediately felt bad. Another time in a moment of near blind rage I lunged for her throat with both hands but stopped myself before I could begin choking. A couple of times I have thrown objects at her to fend her off, or I have pushed her away when she would charge toward me to physically attack. We’ve wrestled each other to the floor and I have had to hold her down on 3 or 4 occasions until she was calm enough to let go. Verbally, I started becoming very abusive out of sheer vengeance for the hurtful things she would shout at me.

   Through all of these tantrums, she has never taken responsibility of her actions and always labelled me as the abusive one. When the air had cleared, I figured her accusations were fair enough. Afterall, I am the man and the husband is responsible for the success or failure of a marriage, just as a head coach is responsible for his team or the captain is responsible for his
troops. So for years I figured: If my wife is unhappy, it’s all my fault.

   Still I can honestly say that most times her behavior became so intense it was not at all because I was acting out my own BPD behaviors. Even as I have spent nearly a year now clean and sober and making enormous changes for managing life, her own behaviors haven't improved much.

   I have been able to keep her

BPDFamily.com

Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: wrinski430 on December 31, 2016, 11:50:38 PM