BPDFamily.com

Had a great week with the kids.  No major incidents.  Yesterday,  she texted me that the kids wanted just the four of us to go to Christmas In The Park; is the last night.  

This isn't a romantic recycle,  it's a return to a secure attachment,  which isn't off the wall considering the kids.  I took them by myself last year,  and I thought this year why not if she comes?

The kids and I spent the day out of town 100 miles away and had just driven back. The anxiety projections started at her parent's house,  where we met.

The food anxiety,  as if they hadn't been fed. My ex knows she gets this from her mom,  but in that home,  she's playing the role.  Minor annoyance. At the car, I had our son change into another coat.  My mistake doing it outside.  :)itto for our daughter,  but D4 runs hot. I leave it up to her to tell me what she wants to wear.  It was above 50F, not very cold.  I was getting blamed. "Put her into this coat! Why are you having S6 take off that coat to change,  he should wear them both!" I kept my cool but was already regretting this.  Her car was blocked in so we went on my car.

Driving downtown,  I had no problem paying to park. She said she parked on the street to save money,  so I told her I'd drive where she told me to.  We didn't see street parking, so she left it up to me.  I parked in the basement of an upscale hotel.  Leaving the basement,  we went up a stairwell to street level.  A homeless person had defecated there.  She shuttled the kids or of their quickly then commented that I should have followed her advice regarding parking. I didn't respond that she had left it up to me to secure parking. .  

It was OK until S6 (almost 7) tripped on a 1/4 inch curb between cement and dirt.  He was more embarrassed,  I thought,  but,  "what happened? Why weren't you watching him?" I told her that he was more embarrassed (I know our son). I carried him for a while and told her he'd be fine within 20 mins.  He was fine within 10 mins. I wasn't going to accept fault on that one.  

So I got to experience yet again the WOE dynamic.  3 years out,  and I appreciate even more the fact that I have freedom to parent as I will on my time, free from the projected anxieties.  

Staying in a BPD r/s, it's said that one had to learn not to take everything personally.  I think I did well tonight by not rising to the bait. However,  I was reminded about how stressful it is to deal with a partner's anxiety day-to-day. Why can't Christmas In The Park simply be enjoyed? I found myself,  as I did in the r/s, observing other families and being envious.  

I know the tools here well, but I felt myself shutting down like I did on the r/s. I didn't trigger her, but I was triggered, and a reminder that I fall back into the same coping mechanisms, which were basically withdrawing,  ignoring, while internalizing stress,  which isn't good.  I knew I didn't have to go home tonight and make love to a stressed out partner, for her, not me,  so I'm not bothered too much by this.  

My point overall,  especially for those recycling, is that at best, both partners need to make changes in order to move forward to something more healthy.  At a minimum,  that's you,  because the other person is who she or he is,  and that's beyond your control.  The only one you can control and change is yourself.  

Thanks Turkish  :)

Have a good 2017.   

Thank you for posting this, it really does help to be reminded for those of us still fighting day to day with moving on.

My ex stopped to get her son yesterday (her son lives with me) She walks in like she owns the place, walks through the house with her shoes on (never allowed when she lived here)
Starts talking to me somewhat civil then asks if I got her text. I asked which one, she said about the truck she was selling.
I said yes I did. You made a statement and not asked a question so I didn't feel the need to respond. Those are your choices now. I have nothing to do with that and I don't want to be blamed for it if it turns out bad.

Then she goes on a 10 minute rant about how I should have responded to that text and she was trying to talk to me and if I cared and the money is going to pay debt in my name and so on.

So yeah, not a good way to start the day yesterday. Except I sit here and it is a great reminder that I cannot handle her.
I too retreated into the same coping mechanisms. I have one or two minutes of standing up for myself before I just give up again.