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Title: Accused of lacking commitment before a discard Post by: Rayban on January 01, 2017, 09:58:50 AM I've read many posts on here lately on how shortly before a discard and/or replacement, the BPD will bring up the nons lack of comitment. It seems like a prelude to admitting that they are with someone else.
In my case, we had recycled many times and in the last recycle, she wanted more commitment from me. She also began dropping hints that she was seeing other people. I think it was just another triangulation attempt. I believe she was telling me that if in her mind I wasn't committing enough, well then she has the right to find the next one (s) who will. This is sometimes accompanied by some offer to remain friends or maintain contact with the non at the very least. Fear of abandonment also causes the BPD to keep the ex around as a back up, in case the new primary relationship goes south. There is also projection and double standards when a BPD questions their partners comitment while they are already seeing other people. What's your take on this. Title: Re: Accused of lacking commitment before a discard Post by: fromheeltoheal on January 01, 2017, 10:29:56 AM Hi Rayban-
It's helpful to think attachments with borderlines, and once one is established, the constant opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment. Could be the "lack of commitment" came out of fear of abandonment, so it was up to you to try harder to make those fears go away, and she used the leverage of other people to try and motivate you. The details don't really matter, the underlying emotions and what behaviors they motivate are what matter. And as you move forward with your detachment Ray, as you shift the focus from your ex to you, it can be most beneficial to look at why you recycled many times, as you put it, and what you made things mean. And when she mentioned a lack of commitment and other people, how did that make you feel? What did you do about it? What did you make it mean? How much power did you give her? A relationship dynamic takes two, and the growth in detachment comes from looking at our part, owning it, and making any changes we need to make, on the way to the amazing future we're creating. What can you take from these latest insights and use right now? |