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That is the latest. I mean, she has mentioned that a few times before but after we were married of course. Too late to do anything about it then! She mentioned it again the other day... .how at the beginning of our relationship I was moving too fast for her and she wanted to slow things down but didn't want to hurt my feelings so she just kept going with it. HUH?

She was at THE EXACT SAME PACE, trust me. Say for argument's sake though that I was the one that pushed it fast and hard. What is the point of bringing this up after our wedding and certainly NOW? What purpose does it serve? Believe me if I could go back and do things differently I would, like NOT AT ALL.

Is she trying to make me feel like more of a fool or hurt me? I just don't get it.

Any thoughts?

Hello michel71, hope the new year's started off ok for you despite of this!

Your post got me thinking of the r/s I recently got more or less kicked out from.

No theories here, sorry, I just recognise being through similar things although the other way round; my ex blamed me for moving too slow, and this she had the joy of telling me when we'd been together for several months... I wanted to say, 'but look honey, we're together, what's the fuss?', which I also did a couple of times. That of course didn't make any difference. It's actually as if we were never together for real, like the r/s happened on some other plane  ! Like the r/s actually ended before we even got started! Baffles me.

Anyway, I don't think 'they' say these things with an intent to hurt somebody else, it's not a conscious thing I think (although I'm careful with making hasty conclusions, I have to say!). But the amount and rate of the hurtful things they say/do... that's something else. One thing - could it be a childish way of justifying the demise of the r/s... ? Blaming.

Thanks for reminding me of one of the more bizarre near-laughable things about a r/s with a pwBPD/BPD traits  

Stay strong

Hey michel71, those w/BPD are known to rewrite history to fit their current emotional state, so I suggest taking what she says with a grain of salt.  You know you were both on the same page, so don't doubt yourself, OK?  LJ

It is common for people to rewrite history at the end of the relationship. Think about how much time people spend on the forums trying to make sense out of the relationship. I suspect that there is a lot of confusion on both sides whether BPD is involved or not.

I know ex has a lot of confusion about what happened because, from his perspective, he didn't want to leave and he would be more than happy if I let him back in and continued to let him do whatever he wanted without demanding more/better treatment for myself and the kids.

I know that both of us have rewritten things at different times in order to make sense of things. I think it was Gottman that wrote a bunch of stuff about rewriting history at the end of the relationship.

When ex and I got together (20 years ago), we had both been engaged and had recently broken up. He came on really strong. He would come by my work and school and hang out. He would call whenever he could. It was too much for me because I was trying to work and go to school and we weren't even in any kind of official relationship. We were just friends that liked to hang out and joke around. I asked him to back off. He stopped talking to me all together for a while. At the end of the relationship, he tried to tell me that our relationship failed because I had put him in the friend zone all of those years ago. What the heck? Um, no, that wasn't the case at all.

I think he and I have both rewritten history. In his case, I think he is twisting things to make himself look better. In my case, I think I am actually seeing some things that I had previously ignored and shouldn't have.

As has been said, expect to have history revised over and over to fit the pwBPD. 
I can't believe how long I just went along with my wife's ideas and history of all the things in our relationship - to the point that I think I may actually have memory damage or loss.  Plus, I went along with my wife's interpretations and meaning of everything.  For example, I'd get accused of thinking a certain way, or having done a certain thing, or have felt a certain way (according to her) and before I knew it I was busy explaining myself, apologizing, trying to explain how I didn't really mean it and so forth- and this is for things that I did not feel, or think, or do (as I realized later).  It's just that BPD's can be so convincing.  It's not that they are good at lying, but, I think that they are truly convinced of the version in their heads.  They are generally very persuasive and emotional blamers.  They are telling the truth because they feel it so strongly - it's hard to face up to that much force of conviction.  Add to that the puzzle that they are able to make their feelings the reality (the only reality that counts anyway), and a poor, normal, innocent, non-confrontational soul stands no chance of holding onto reality.

I feel better now when I stand firm on principle.  I have learned to look for key words - my triggers I guess.  When I hear her say "you... .(are mad, think such-and-such, feel... ., said... .) I now automatically question the source. Whereas before I'd prefer not to argue, and by nature I don't, I pick up the bait and explain that she does not know how I feel /think / want and so forth. 

It's seems stupid to argue with someone about how I feel, but, I have to defend what's left of my internal truth until I can end this whole circus act of a marriage.  I have reached DGAF in my relationship.  Maybe I'd treat it with more sensitivity if I was really trying to patch things up and make everything better. But, for me, I'd rather make an issue and go on the record to explain my actual feelings and thoughts.  I wouldn't bother in a normal relationship, since we all have quirks and I don't like to argue or make a bad spirit of things.

I agree with Samwize.  It seems like it's way too easy to get caught up in circular arguments while backtracking on details we put there and they just twist them.

I also see that you are trying to detach but letting her words have precedence of what you know to be true.  Whether you moved too fast or not is irrelevant. 
I get that it's hard, but your dynamic will not change unless you step out of it.
If you keep going over the past with her, it will only keep getting turned around, especially if she's holding the black brush that day. Does that make sense?

Totally makes sense YNWA. Thank you to everyone who responded to their post. I forgot that they re-write history. I can tell you that I sure as hell did not re-write history. I know exactly what happened like it was yesterday. She can't and has never been able to get me to question my memory. What she has been able to get me to question is whether or not I am a good/defective person. Thank God I have great friends who have kept me pretty centered.

That reminds me of a strategy that my wife used to great effect against me.  She could easily replay all the bad things I've done, and dress them up to her needed leverage on me.  Yes, the attack on your self esteem and sense of self is very strong.
I was liberated by my own forgiveness of myself, if that makes sense.  Now it means little what she dredges up.

@ Samwize: You nailed it: they are so convincing!  Yet when you step back and think about what they say, you realize that they are usually distorting the facts, exaggerating, stating falsehoods or otherwise being irrational. Like you, I once bought into what she was saying and accepted her weird version of reality.  No more.

Agree w/you on this point, too:


Right.  I don't give credence to her accusations anymore.  Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it!

LuckyJim

 I can relate.

During the FIRST week my ex was even crying that I was dubious about having a relationship together. At the same time, she was insisting that we shouldn't "put the dots over the is".

Completely conflicting statements, I know. I am quite sure they don't realize how much their thoughts are dysfunctional and inconsistent.

Remember, for them feelings are facts... .

a few possibilities:

1. a bit of revisionist history, in which case she felt this way in the moment she told you, and/or was possibly deflecting
2. she feels this way in retrospect - though you say shes mentioned it multiple times
3. shes telling the truth from her perspective. remember that a person with BPD has a heightened fear of engulfment.

her perspective in this case is less important than yours since the relationship is over, but we need not completely dismiss it just because she has a personality disorder.

in my earlier relationships i tended to move too quickly. in subsequent relationships my partners moved more quickly than i was comfortable with, but they had my participation. neither case ideal.

what does moving too fast mean to you, michel71? did you move too fast by your own standards?