BPDFamily.com

Hi. I'm the 29 y/o daughter of a man who very much fits the criteria. Our relationship has been strained for years. I've been a fighter. I am married and have my own family. But have struggled with depression and anger myself and have recently been working on that. Dad was recently hospitalized for an emotional raging outburst, and missed Christmas. This has been his first hospitalization that I know of (in my lifetime). My husband and I sought a counselors advice on how to move forward after this hospitalization. The counselor then said, after everything I had described, it sounded like my father has BPD. I've been reading and researching nonstop. I'm reading "Stop Walking on eggshells"... .it's blowing my mind. My mom is an enabler BIG TIME. But also is seeing that. I'm worried about communicating my BPD discovery with them. I also worry that my boundaries set, as far as being around my dad (me and my family), won't be enough for him to care. As it has always been, it's not him, it's us... .anyways. Any girls out there who has dealt with this tough relationship, wishing that he'd cared more and loved more growing up, and finding freedom in this diagnosis as I have. I would love to hear your story.

Welcome Woahwoahwoah:   
I'm sorry about the situation with your dad.  My dad was a rager and chronic complainer.  He never did anything physically threatening, but that mouth sure could sure get a workout  .  He had issues with anxiety and depression, although they weren't discussed until his later years (when he begrudgingly tried some meds).  I've read, "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" and got a separate workbook.  I don't think my dad had enough of the combined traits to qualify for a BPD diagnosis, but he was close.

My sister, however, is the one who caused me to seek therapy and buy the book, which led me here.  She tests out as being a high-functioning BPD.  My sister painted me black, when our parent's health began to fail and our parents died within 4 months of each other. 


Was he suicidal, or was he placed on a psychiatric hold, due to his behavior?  Is he currently on any meds to manage his behavior or getting therapy?

It isn't usually advised for you to tell him he has BPD.  You can't change him.  The only thing you can do is to manage the way you interact with him and react to him. Boundaries are for your benefit and for you to enforce.  Sometimes, a boundary might mean that you need to leave the room when your dad rages, or it can mean that if you are at his house, you leave and go home.  Many times, a firm statement can be made before you leave (in a calm manner).  i.e., "I can see you are having a bad day, we are leaving now and will see you another time."

There are links to is a lot of helpful information to the upper right of this post.  The additional links below could, also, be helpful (click on the green words, or the green address):

It will be helpful for you to read about FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and BOUNDARIES. 

FOG  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)
BOUNDARIES (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0)

The additional links below, contain info. about validation.  Validation doesn't mean that you agree with someone's position.  You don't validate what is invalid, but you acknowledge someone's feelings.  More importantly, you don't want to invalidate. 

VALIDATION (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation)

VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE (http://www.eqi.org/invalid.htm#Two out of three ain't bad)

AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0;all)

Check out the information at the suggested links and let us know what you think.  This can be a good place to discuss the specifics as you start to use some of the suggested skills.

Hi, Woahwoahwoah, I just wanted to add my welcome.   

I'm sorry to hear things are so tough with your dad. My mother is the one with BPD, but my father has his issues, too. When I was younger I thought we were close, but the more I have tried to work things out with him the more I see he does not know how to really love me. I don't think he has NPD but I am a narcissistic supply for him, and he doesn't care about my feelings or my boundaries--only about getting his way (or getting my mother her way). So I do understand a little bit where you're coming from.

Naughty Nibbler is right; it doesn't usually work well to tell someone you think they have a mental illness. So that's one worry you can put aside--you don't have to tell them what you've discovered about BPD.  :) Do you know if he was diagnosed while in hospital? Has he gone home? I agree that the best plan moving forward is to keep working with your therapist and gain an understanding of your boundaries. The workshop NN linked for you is a great place to start. Our boundaries help us take care of ourselves and our values.

How often do you have contact with your folks?

Wishing you peace,
PF