BPDFamily.com

Hi All. First time poster. It has be so helpful knowing that I am not alone in my experience. I have read that it can take up to 18 months after last contact, to heal from one of these relationships, and I now believe that to be true. I developed CPTSD from my relationship. Thought I was doing better when he reached out (had not spoken for almost a year). And not too bright me responded. He wanted to apologize and explain. What took me off guard was, he wasnt even sorry for what he had done... .has anyone else experienced this? he was sorry that I was insecure, jealous... .ect... .I mean really what was the point? After a year of no contact I am amazed how one conversation has brought me right back to square one. Sorry if this is disorganized, it is the way my mind is now. Do they get some sort of enjoyment from opening up past wounds?

They don't get it, and without proper treatment, they won't get it. The very nature of this mental illness is that they can't see their problem. And if they do acknowledge it, their fragile egos will not allow them to take responsibility. Instead, they use psychological mechanisms to deflect what they are doing. Like projection. My uBPDsoontobexw was the queen of that one. She was constantly telling me I was this or that - ALL things that she actually was. Sometimes I couldn't believe she didn't see what she was doing - it was so glaringly obvious! Telling you he was "sorry you were insecure, jealous... ." is a projection of what he is, onto you. That way the whole thing remains your problem and not anything he has to take responsibility for.

Yes I see that. I just cant understand why they have to reach out just to slam you. I saw a quote that reminds me of him.
"You stabbed me, than pretended you were the one bleeding"
Its so heartless what they do. I know it should be comforting to know he is sick, but its almost like they get some enjoyment at our pain. or its a game to see if they can sell their lies to us.

Do you think they are conscious of this? Like do they have to project it back to the person that they felt it with? Like others here, he threw me away like trash in the most heartless way (twice to my shame). You would think his ego would prevent him from ever contacting me again.

Mine would constantly lash out at me, berate me, call me names (all for things that she believed in her mind - always something relating to her sensing or feeling like there was some kind of disconnect between us that would ultimately lead to abandonment in her mind). It could come out of nowhere and I wouldn't see it coming. And she'd refuse any kind of patient attempt to calm her. She'd push and push until she brought me to a breaking point. The more I tried, the more she pushed because she had to prove to herself I would eventually leave her. She treated me so poorly during these arguments but in the end she would always turn it around and grab onto the point she pushed me to and say, "Oh my god, you are so mean! Look how you treat me! You are a selfish, lying, manipulative *&*%!" To this day, she does actually acknowledge she has an issue, but she maintains that it was how I reacted to her that is the real problem. If only I would not react to her when she is berating me, then we wouldn't have a problem.

You would think they wouldn't contact you again after throwing you away. Mine moved out yesterday and in with an ex of hers. And today is begging to come home and asking me to please try harder... .Once again, acknowledging the issue she has but putting the responsibility on me. They just don't get it. They really aren't doing it on purpose, though often they use manipulation to get what they want. It's a big, black, empty hole within themselves that wants so desperately to be filled but can never be filled. It's an eternal quest with no end because they can never see that the work needs to come from within, not from someone else. They can't look at themselves, so they blame us. In every case you read about here, it's always about the other person's "shortcomings".

Is it wrong to say I'm a little jealous that at least yours still shows love for you? Ugh I know that is sick to think that way

Welcome talks to angels

A PWBPD doesn't get pleasure from inflicting pain on their partner, it is a result of getting too close and them hurting their partner to push them away. Even after you are apart for a significant amount of time they are known to contact and be either nice or nasty depending on how they feel; a PWBPD makes up their own reality based on their current emotion of the moment.
You may not believe this but it is best for you if your ex. doesn't try to contact you, attempt a recycle.

lovenature, that is just such an odd concept. Why would he reach out if he was just going to be in a push away cycle?

He could have just been testing the attachment. If you interacted with him (good or bad interaction), that might be enough for him to believe that the attachment is still there. That's why it's important for the Non to exercise some control over these interactions---when they will occur, if at all, what will be tolerated, etc., in short setting and adhering to boundries.

They push people away because they can't handle the emotions that closeness brings. Also, at the heart of it is an intense fear of abandonment. But no matter how close you get and how solid you think things are, the pwBPD never really believes that (or feels that). So they push further to see if you really do have a breaking point and will leave. Or they leave you. But once they are gone, whether they left or not, they see it as your fault, that you abandoned them. So they try to draw you back in to ease that pain of abandonment and rejection. Once you're back in, the whole cycle starts over. No, it doesn't make much sense to us. But this is how the disorder works.

They are like one big contradiction.

Rule #1 of understanding BPD - Don't apply rational thought to make sense of BPD actions.

My BPD can't understand or explain why I left her.  She told people that she kicked me out because I was abusing her.  Even after "breaking it down for her" she still can't understand why I left.  I could have just as easily told her I left because my sports team didn't win the championship and it would have probably made more sense to her than telling her the problem WAS her.

Yes, I've experienced that BS, as well as blaming me for being insecure when blatant triangulation was played out.
They're such sick people. They think exactly backwards of what nons do. Mine told me he was sorry I was insecure and couldn't trust him... this was immediately after I saw on his FB page a new woman. I peeked at her profile, and saw the exact same photos he had sent me from Rolling Stones concert.
Yep! It's traumatizing ... to experience betrayal. But it's doubly disorienting to spin it... then blame us for what they did! These nut cases live in a totally differently plane than norms.
They are like aliens in human bodies! Lol