BPDFamily.com

Hey guys,

Hope 2017 is being kind to you and you're being kind to yourselves.  It was my exBPDbf's birthday today.  I have been incredibly sad and unsure of what to do.  I really wanted to call him but in the end I settled on sending a text message wishing him a happy birthday and I hope that he was doing well.

He took about ten hours to reply and sent this message and I'm just so confused.  "I'm sorry I just miss our life so much but all I did was hurt you, embarrass you and make you cry.  You went insane because you couldn't trust me and I'm too broken to be fixed.  I hope whomever you're with now is making you happy, you deserve it xx".

I just don't understand.  Every second message he sends is talking about this supposed new man in my life.  I just don't understand how he thinks I'd even want a new relationship right now when I'm still so in love with him.  At the start I tried to convince him of this but he never changes his mind and constantly referrs to this imaginary partner.

Although, yes, a lot of the relationship was hurt, embarrassment and tears it wasn't all of it.  In fact for long periods of time things were really, really wonderful.  It's like he only sees in black and white either he is all too blame or I am.  It's so frustrating! 

All I want to do right now is reply and tell him that I miss him and that there were good moments and of course there is no one else but I don't know what reply I'll get back.  I am resolving not to reply but not sure if this is the right thing. Everything hurts right now and I have spent the day moping in bed.  It was such a ___ty time for all of these dates when I thought I was slowly getting better now I'm back at square one.

Pipedreamer,

I can understand your feelings. It's so hard to be confronted with this reality that isn't real and didn't happen. Yes, it's very frustrating, and it's very normal to want to set the record straight.

The problem is that a pwBPD's reality can be so different from ours, and no matter how often you explain your reality, your ex may stick to his. The black and white thinking is a feature of the disorder, too.

If it would give you peace to tell him that you are not seeing anyone, then I'd say go for it. But I'm guessing that you've already expressed that more than once. And he is still insisting on his version.

Letting go is really hard. Contact is not making you feel better. You need your focus now. 

heartandwhole

I feel for you, I get such conflicting messages as well now.
My ex moved out, she took both crock pots. I asked if I could have one back. First she was pissed off like I accused her of stealing. Then later she texts and says I want the best for you and you can have everything back if you want.


So weird, no logic, no normal thinking. Always extremes.

They don't hear us. They don't believe us. Best to just stay away. Limit contact. He will never believe you are not with someone new no matter how many times you tell him.

So sorry you have to deal with this. I think pwBPD need to believe something to make it easier for them.  My wife questioned / suspected I was having an affair a while back - which is so far from possible there is not a way to describe it - but, she wanted to believe it, or brought it up to see what I would do or say.  I didn't take up the issue with her.  Also, I think they make accusations like this as a way to test you, or indirectly ask a question to get some confirmation of what they want.  The conversation in their head might go like this:
them: "I hope you're happy with the new [lover]."
you: "Oh no, I couldn't love anyone as much as I do you, you are the best. I miss you."  or "I'm not seeing anyone because I still miss you."
Basically, I think they want to know that you're unhappy.

Not responding, and actually being happy inside yourself is a sweet state of mind.

I think some people are so sad, empty, afraid, and an internal void that they fill the emptiness with something that fits their mindset.