BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone!

For 6 months I've been hoping to find some place or someone to talk to abour my experiencr- someone who would understand how impoetant the whole story and person were for me without thinking of me as a fool. I've recently stumbled across this site and I want to share my story in hopes of someone telling me what I should expwct from the near and far future, as my life's been turned into emotional turmoil.

In 2015, I met my significant other. She and I were together for 9 months before she made the decision to break up with me. We just recently found that she has BPD so this whole story played out without this knowledge.

We met online one day, both of us in a very low position due to life hitting the worst spot ever for both of us. She found my blog and started to find solace in it whilst there were some serious issues hoing on at home. We're both in our 20's, with her working but living with her family and me living on my own and being a full-time student.

We started talking more and more often, both finding the other an amazing, kind, intelligent, humorous and caring person. She was, to me, the sweetest of souls and as time went by, I only wished that the world didn't hurt her as much as it did.

We found that we shared an incredible amlunt of interest and morals, practically shocked for 3 months about how this could even be real. Soon enough, our 20 hours of texting non-stop turned into calling and we ended up saying that we were in love with one another.

A little background to the person who stood out from the rest (this information was collected over more than a year and is still being updated as we talk): since a very young age, she has been sad and abused one way or another. Her dad worked so that he was often gone for months in a row, without getting into details. Her relationship with him was and is terrible, he is the most negative source in her and her mothers life and still present on a daily basis. As a child, she'd suffered a lot of physical trauma in form of injuries causes by playmates or accidents, aside of the constant living with only one parent and sibling.

Teenage years came and she discovered she liked both genders. Whilst she was 14 and still not really sure of what or who she was, she held hands with a girl she fancied and got caught doing so. The whole school knew, soon her mother too. The school kids bullied her a lot, some even hurt hwr physically. When her mom found out, she reacted by throwing her out on the street. Sure she regretted it after a short while but my then s.o. had taken off to live in her car or at a friend's couch for three months. She came back but rhings were never the same. Her teenage years have been buried in heavy depression, anxiety, substance abuse to make up for the complete loss of happiness, physical injuries that happened because of someone targeting her or accidents like getting hit by a car. You name it... .

By the time we've met, her family was in turmpil. She lived in the same house as her parents who constantly kept fighting as it came out that her father had wished to send an email to someone he had feelings for prior to marrying his wife. She was stuck in an extremly toxic environment and locked herself in for months, trying to survive.

Her past relationships never worked out. One guy cheated on her and made someone pregnant, others were never sustained over more than a few months. She felt out of place, never wishing for physical affection, personally feeling like an asexual as well which often seemed to clash with the second half's wishes.

Then I came in and I was different. I'm an open-minded person, learning a lot about mental illnesses because I partially struggle with anxiety but partially know how many out there struggle. I simply try to understand people as much as I can. I try to be kind, generous and loving and this was so new to her that she didn't know how to act.

At first, 3 months went by where we were like any other couple freshly in love. Open about it, happy about it, talking a lot and calling on a daily basis as to survive our long distance relationship. She came to visit after a month and those were the few best days of both of our lives. Whilst she knew nothing else but betrayal, pain and suffering- I knew nothing else but amabdonment, verbal abuse and guilt tripping. We found each other and thought, this was it, life was giving back after all this suffering.

The second third of the relationship was a bit like the first, where there were many recurring 'episodes' as we called them. Mainly heavy depression and now visible BPD signs that occurred when her parents fought or used her. That's it though,  her family uses her. As their main income source more than any. Her mom also has depression and some signs of potential bipolarism or some other struggle which my then s.o. felt responsible for helping with.

Now, here's a twist. Due to being catfished, cheated on and abandoned, she taught herself how to read people. She is high functioning and has adhd but managed to learn a lot more than others her age. She studied psychology and behaviour, can read a person and who they are/why they act a certain way after just a few minutes. I've seen it happen multiple times so this I confirm. She is incredibly self-aware and theoughout our relationship she has been honest with me about what has happened to her in the past in terms of behaviour.

She used to tell me that if people somehow crossed her, she'd practically delete them from her life. That she used to have massive anger issues during her teens. That last time she visited a paychologist they managed to pin her as borderline emotionally unstable but she ran ogf before they could evaluate further. Also... .

That she feared she'd hurt me. She said she knew she's a dangerous thing and that she's hurt people in the past without intending to. She always spoke about how she nevee understood her emotions, struggled with them her whole life. That she one day could wake up and see her partner as just a friend, whilst another day she'd be all over them.

She once told me about how she was scared that this too would be one of her "so-called obsessions". That before, she used to have to have people she trusted and liked and was really all about them but they suddenly dropped out and it always got her hurt.

One time, she shared with me that she is struggling with two voices on a daily basis. The first was telling her that she's useless -tbc

Cont-
That she'd a fraud and not someone to love. That she doesn't know who she is and hasn't accepted herself. It told her that her life wasn't worth living and it ultimately got her to attempt suicide twice when she was 14-16 (the years everyone bullied her for being "gay" and her mom threw her out).

The second voice, she said, was about me and what she feels toward me. It told her that what she feels isn't true, that she'll wake up one day and feel nothing and that she'll just end up hurting me - which she didn't want. That she should end it now to spare me the pain of the future actions she so feared.

She feared this often. Hurting me by being herself. Angey or unpredictable. Depressed, oppressed at home. Whilst I took a step to come out as pan to my conservative family, she never managed to. Our relationship was known to two of her friends an no one else.

Then came the summer. After many ups and downs, we prevailed. We learned from one another, we listened, we acted mature and loving toward the issues the other struggled with. She was stable still but with recurring episodes due to family issues and it all always being made to look as her fault. I can confirm that it wasn't, and that she's someone who is incredibmy kind and generous and always tries to help.

Then came the summer. By June... .things have started to go quiet. She was more and more mentioning how she hates physical contact, how she wants to be alone more often. We only called after work, the only remnant of the daily evening calls we had prior to April. Her work comsumed her, changes happened there that made her world crash. She practically did 2 people's jobs for months to come. It tired her immensly and made her shut herself away often as she wished to just be in silence for a while.

I never pushed her toward anything. What she most appreciated in me was my patience and understanding. How I let her take her pace and never pushed, never expected anything of her. That nobody has ever done that for her before.

Which all in turn confused her.

Summer was hell. Brexit happened, a major trust-breaking fight with her dad happened on the same day and she entered The Pit. She wasn't herself anymore, she was depressed as never in her life, shut in her room. She barely talked to me, which only played on my abandonment issues. Three days later she said that she didn't know what she was going through or what she was feeling, but that we'd get through it somehow.

Week later, she mentioned how she thinks she's having an identity crisis. She didn't know if it was her depression but she felt incresibly crowded. She made me say I love you less, as it made her feel awful for not saying it back. She felt she was leading two lives, nobody knowing about us and her barely getting new friends at her new place. She thought they wouldn't accept her, she KNEW her parents wouldn't. And she wished to stay with her mum as she was the only person she had over there.

She started talking about how she felt lile a hypocrite. That she has no idea who she is, what she feels or wants. That she has trust issues, issues with relationships, dislikes physical affection. That she doesn't know what's going on but something's wrong with her.

A month of this went on until my anxiety was too much and I chose to speak about my fears of her going to abandon me. She was out that day, I couldn't so much about my panic attack so I just acted but... .ruined the day.

Two days later, she said that she'd spoken to a psychiatrist who told her she's likely repressing herself with trying to fix us whilst she doesn't know what's going on. My then s.o. said she suddenly felt she couldn't be attracted to girls and couldn't see me as more than an amazing friend. She felt as if her head was yelling, barking at her. She was feeling horrible and lonely and what she was doing was to save me from all this ___.

That's how the great times ended. I suffered from major depression for months, which also got fuelled by not being able to process it due to Uni life. She got worse of course, getting huge triggered anxiety attacks (which I've learned how to handle over the year and was the only one to be able to help her out with those. Always did).

We knew that life without the other isn't what we wanted and that we'd try to stay as good we were, just without the relationship. We texted daily, depensing on how she was feeling and how I was doing as well. I didn't want to teigger her, knowing none of us was to blame for this situation.

Life happened. It sucked baboon balls and we were both suffering on our ends.

Fast-forward to arounf October, is when she started to be really blunt and rude. She often teiggered fights for no reason, finding the littlest things I'd say wrong as English is not my first language. She'd be mad at me for changing my opinion, whilst I did because I'd learn more about the subject and wished to apply said knowledge. Everything from games to films to life. All was wrong.

I knew it wasn't my fault and I never blamed myself. I look back and I know I did everything right for her, it simply wasn't enough. She sought help after the break up, she got put on SSRI's for her depression and returned to her shrink often to evaluate herself. With her self-awareness and knowledge about behaviour/psychology and the help she received, she was able to control herself a bit more.

As meds go, she hit rock-bottom after 1.5 weeks and had suicidal wishes again. She said she was terribly sorry for what happened, that she was confused and battling with herself. Struggling to comprehend reality and that she didn't know how to feel anything. For me or the world. That love is something she couldn't know. That she hoped I'd understand she couldn't be in a relationship when she didn't know what she needed or wanted. Ultimately, knowing she couldn't lose me. That I was and would always be her person and that she's so sorry for doing this to me. She was so tired, sad, in such pain... .it hurt and hurts me still to know how such a wonderful person struggled because of what life put her through.

I stayed. Because I got better and because I knew that I wanted to be there for her.

After about 5 clashes and one major clash that resulted in her simply throwing everything she had against me (I made a "thank you for everything you did for me" post on my blog and it ___ed her up when she for some reason opened that page one night), things have been going south -tbc

-cont.

I didn't like being manipulated, guilt-tripped or made lash out for nothing because I knew I'd had done nothing to deserve it. I learned to give ehr a day or three of NC for both to recover. We care about each other very much and we always tey to find balance in it all, however bad.

When she had the midnight crisis due to her meds, she said she hoped I wouldn't be living on the hope that there would ever be an us again. Fast-forward a month, she was suddenly saying every opposite thing to when she was happy and in the relationship with me.

Suddenly, there wasn't hope for love. She wanted to be alone for the rest of her life but was so done with how the world treated her choice. That they all seemed to say "you'll find someone one day". She said that she had accepted our break up and the fact that she was not okay. She had been suffering from depression still, hearing voices, dissociating from reality and watching herself from 3rd person view, forgetting a lot of things as well as being angry and sad all the time.

Sometimes, she'd reblog something out of the blue that said "I'm so tiref of this pain, I just wish it to stop".

Well, that ___ty year was coming to an end. Family situation was still ___, they still fought a lot. Her Christmas was about surviving that and not knowing what to do. After some clashing with me earlier that month, she and I had a calm and mature conversation about how we felt at this time.

I explained my posotion, mt recently diagnosed prologed fatigue due to Uni and how whatever I did didnt have anything to do with her and our past. She on the other hand told me things like she won't be moving out from her fam's hpuse because she wants to be there for her mom. That her mom wouldn't make it by herself + with her dad. That she survives this ___ so that at lwast her mom can be happy and safe. She told me that she knows now that she doesn't fit into a label or box of these as well as that she wants to be alone, without a relationship. That it is where she's now.

Ultimately, after some jokes and understanding and New Year happening... .she told me that she's recently been diagnosed with BPD. That she knew the right thing to do was to tell me (she'd always keep me updated on the big issues concerning the psychiatrist visits, bless her) because it would also make it easier for me to understand why things were as they were.

And that's when it all went full circle. The entire year got a flash of knowledge and I finally knew why it all worked like that. Still, I'm conflicted.

Because she's worthy of trust, love, understanding and kindness but doesn't know it. Because her current stste is bad and I know nothing happens in the near future. I can count the entire 2017 off as a therapy period since she is about to start it in 2 weeks. It's supposed to be a talk-based therapy that she directs a lot since she's so self-aware.

And this is where I am now. Awake at night and not knowing what to do or where to go.

We had a wonderful relationship but I know she struggled daily. She always did, however good the days were. I don't blame either of us. We did what we could. I'm shattered over how it ended because it just made me define my own issues even more, but I just want her to be happy.

I wish she never had to endure what she did. Heck, I wish we could just do what we planned to do - to move away from our toxic families (dads especially) off to Canada, have a house and two dogs and just be for once in our lives.

I want someone to read this, hesr my story and tell me what they think. I have been looking to tell someone all this and what has happened because it's such a deep and non-typical story. I love her, I always will. She deserves that but I know that we don't stand in the same place anymore. I'm aware that my health comes first if I'm to help her and that she may be very difficult to deal with quite often.

Still, I managed over a full year of this. It does mean a lot to me to be there for her as she's been there for me like nobody else. She still is, if able, even though she's enduring all this ___.

She isn't feeling good. The thing that keeps her happy, that takes up all her free time, is gaming. I can relate as it's been like that for me before so I encourage and validate her as much as I can in thi gs that make her happy. I've validated her at work, in life. I am but a human and I do sometimes lose my way too, especially these past harsh months when she's acted the other way (angry, fighting, triggering) but we always manage to make up after a while.

A part of me wishes for us to be able to work out in the future. Not now, not in a year. All of me wants her to get help and get better and I know this entire ___bomb of trauma she's endured can take years to work through. Her current state of mind is "I don't want anybody" and I know I can't compare it with what she used to say as BPD doesn't work that way. But she still wishes to be my best friend, she still cares a lot about me and you guys can see how much she means to me. I come here because she's worth all this, and I can see that.

I know she can't see it. I know she's struggling so incredibly much daily. I wish to get some tips on how to deal with this, how to be able to help her whilst maintaining self-health and if anyone can answer this (with good basis in the story), what do you think our future looks like.

Many thanks. Thanks for making this a place and for calming me down a little. My mind suddenly feels a bit... .quieter and relieved... .