BPDFamily.com

Brief background: In early process of divorce with uBPDw, married 17 years, S11, S5, we are using collaborative divorce team.

Just finished session with mediator/coach. Generally good - we were able to discuss an initial temporary custody plan to allow me to move out of the house by end of this month. We also were able to discuss how to let the boys know what is going on - laid out a framework of how to go about it. STBxw doesn't trust that I will allow her to be present for the kids and not take over - the usual "no one can have emotions; they must all be mine". Sympathy, empathy, truth "I hear that you are afraid I won't be supportive. The kids do need to hear from you at a time like this. I wrote down this ground rule: time for both parents to speak. Do you agree with that?"

But then ... .
Her: "So, once we tell them, is it okay for him (meaning me) to move all of his stuff (clothes and toothbrush) out of our bedroom. He comes in to shower or brush his teeth, and it's my space. I guess I could put a latch on the door."

Me: "I get up early in the morning to leave for work. I shower in our bathroom so that I don't wake the boys. I try to knock at all other times."

Her: "The boys just slept through a fire alarm battery beeping this morning (actually it woke S11 up). I'm the one who has a hard time sleeping. Ha ha"

Coach: "I wouldn't move anything until a few days after you talk with the boys."

Me: "I have agreed to using the guest bedroom to sleep at your request. I don't go in that room when you are in there except to shower. This makes me angry. I am expected to compromise. I would like reciprocation for as long as we are together in the house."

Her: "I do reciprocate. I came down Monday evening, when I felt sick and made dinner because you said you would do it and weren't doing it."

Coach (to her): ":)id you ask him if he was going to make dinner.This sounds like a communication issue."

Her: "No. He was playing a game with the boys. It was 6 (actually 5:20 - that funny BPD way that time works). We usually eat by then. I assumed he wasn't interested in doing what he said he would do."

Coach: "So, maybe dinner wasn't happening when you expected, but he intended to make it. (to me) Was this a problem in communication?"

Me: "Yes. I was planning to make dinner. The game had just finished."

Coach: "You are both going to have to accommodate each other's style and way of parenting. Things will not always happen at the time that or in the way that you want."

Her (to me): "So you mean to say that if I had asked you for a divorce, you wouldn't be demanding that I leave the house?"

Me: "Yes. I would not. I would be trying to work out with you the best plan to make the separation so that your needs and the kids' needs could be met."

Ugh. Writing it out, I see all the JADE. I just really pisses me off that she ___es about being woken in the morning so that I can go make a 1 hour drive to work (3 days a week) to make the money that has kept a roof over her head for 20 years (counting time we dated/lived together). Basically, I am such an inconvenience in her life whenever I do anything that takes care of my needs instead of catering to her. I just hate the selfishness. And, sure, throw the kids to the wolves - why would they need the sleep? They only have to get up and go to school. So yes to clean the dishes, do the laundry, fold the clothes, take out the garbage, clean the toilets, keep up the house and yard, leave at 6 a.m. every morning so that you are home by 5 because I am too burnt out with the kids for the 2 hours I had them after school, give them their baths, help S11 with homework, but I reciprocate that all the time because I cook dinner for the kids and drive them to school except the days that you do. I hate it. I hate living like this. I know I need to be patient, but sometimes I would like to scream at the top of my lungs in her face.

Note to self: you are getting out by the end of this month. :)   Pace yourself for the grind of having to parent with her for many years to come. 

Reciprocation falls by the wayside in high conflict scenarios such as BPD and imploding relationships.  In her perceptions her feelings and moods are the reality, not just her perspective as it ought to be.

Be very careful that any clauses where you expect equivalent reciprocation also have contingency clauses to handle the "all or nothing", "my way or the highway" and "I win or you lose" extreme demands or obstructions.  It will happen no matter how well you try to write the settlement, but try to anticipate the problems and how to close the loopholes she will surely claim.

For example, early in my separation & divorce process my Ex would call and ask for a trade.  Fine, no problem.  However, I soon learned that I had to make a personal rule, to approve a trade I needed to get it in writing and I needed the first end of the trade.  Why?  She would rewrite the trade after she got her time and sometimes even ignore the second half of the trade, my half.  And of course it wasn't worth the high expense to file and complain about it in court.  Not to mention a related problem, when I was the one asking for a trade she'd say No or else criticize me endlessly how horrible I was as a father and to ask for it.

So, follow the most/all communication in writing approach for at least first 2 years, minimal engagement - is that correct?

I am trying to set a schedule that has most drop off and pick ups at school to avoid us really having to engage. We aren't at war, but communication is strained and adds little value and heavy on the blame/abuse standard fare.