BPDFamily.com

Hi All

The last time I have posted was March 2014. My uBPD wife and I at that stage were seperated under the same roof. I pleaded for us to go for therapy, as a matter of fact, she wanted to patch things up, but I refused to do so if we dont see a professional that can help us. Dont ask me what happened or how it happened, but we got back together and did not see a therapist or any professional. Two years later, September 2016, the day before my 6 year old daughter's birthday, I moved out of the house. I could not take the abuse any longer. I am on a high dose Antidepressant, Anti anxiety meds and see a spychologist every second week.

We have been together for 25 years, we have four beuatiful children and fir 25 years I have never been good enough, could not live up to her unrealistic expectations and demands. The emotional/verbal abuse, screaming, shouting, blaming, accusations, emotional roller coaster, lies, manipulation, isolation, irrational behaviour/thinking was killing me slowly but surely. How could I have stayed with this woman for so long, how could I have cared and loved her for so long, how could I have sacrifised myself/my soul/everyting I was for this women, to have been treated the way I was.

I left my kids with her and I am now fighting her to at least see them 5 days out of every 14 days. I am fighting her to pay half of our debts. I attempted mediation, but she refused every and all offers I presented. The mediator gave up and said she will never be able to get her to agree. I do not have the money to take her to court, so everything is in limbo, she calls the shots as to when I see the kids, every second weekend, as see us living in the matrimonial house and us currently seen as the primary care giver - we have no parenting plan in place. I an at my wits end fighting with her and feels like giving her everything/all just to be able to find myself again. Then I think about my children and knowing how she treats them, make me realise that I need to keep fighting for their wellbeing and mental health. I just dont know how or what to do. We live seperately, close to each other, but she believes that she has the upper hand and the power to call the shots.

I am going through the detaching phases at the moment, I am so angry, I feel like physically killing her for what she has done to me and still is doing to me.

I just needed to vent. Hopefully most of you can relate and even give some hope that this will someday end. I am tired of being alone, depressed, anxious, confused and yes, scared.
Thanks for allowing me to get this off my chest.

Welcome!  I am sorry you have had to deal with such a stressful situation, but glad you found us.

Don't feel bad, I stayed with my first abusive husband for 20 years, then jumped right into a 10 year relationship with an abusive uBPD. I thought I was being a good, Christian wife.

I left 9 months ago and have been battling him through the legal system for custody of our 3 young children. Regardless of the outcome, I will continue to be the supportive, caring parent to our children. We are very close and they know I love them unconditionally and will always be there for them.

Many of us here have been in your shoes and will be here when you need support. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing!